I hear you!
Agree with everything so far!
I hate those type of sleep training books. Love Pinky McKay's 'Parenting by heart'.
Reminds me of a conversation I had with my Nan before DD was born though about CIO. She did it with her kids. When she had her first (about 55 yrs ago) she was living out of town with no phone and no contact with anyone. She said doing CC was just instinct, she just 'knew what to do', and it's 'the only way'. WTH?? So no one was influencing her and this was her instinct?? I can't relate bc my instinct is to comfort my baby asap when she cries.
I totally agree with the previous comments about the lack of village and the absence of the opportunity to really 'observe' babies and kids growing up. (BG, I think you've probably got such a relaxed approach because of your experiences and exposure to such a wide range of babies and children growing up).
We all live in seperate little (or big lol!) homes where the privacy of the family and what goes on behind closed doors is paramount. This means that things like abuse go underground/unnoticed but so do things like parenting practices. So everyone feels a bit more isolated. Sure there's usually some family members or good friends around to talk to but it's hard to construct a true IRL village these days. Talking to others is just getting snippets imo, it's not the same as living and breathing the collective raising of children. That's where the marketing and magazines and books and TV shows come in. There is a market for parenting information because everyone is living in their own little box. When we do hear about what other kids are doing, it is so easy to compare to our own. This wouldn't happen so much if children were being raised by the village - we'd all have much more exposure to a wider range of kids over a longer period of our lifespan (perhaps our whole lifespan) so our own children would just fit naturally into that continuum.
ETA - I've been thinking about this since I posted and while I stand by my comments above, I'll have to be honest and admit that I love books. I always have. Love reading. I own way too many books (fiction and non-fiction) - more than I'll ever get time to read. I've also spent a long time in formal education and study and gathering information is important to me (although not to the exlusion of listening to my instincts when it comes to DS). I'm trying to say that I think there are books written on just about any topic you could think of. So as a society, we do look to books (or 'expert opinion') in lots of areas to inform us or learn new things. Parenting is an emotional journey though in a way that learning to cook or learning about Ancient History isn't. I have learnt some useful things about parenting in the books I've read, but I've chosen books that generally fit with the gentle approach I'm taking. So maybe I have let my instincts guide my book choices? I have found the comments of other parents or well meaning people to have had more of an impact (in terms of me doubting what we're doing with DS or his development, especially in relation to sleep) than any of the books have.
i agree with what has been said about seeing so many kids - it has helped me to see what i do and don't want to do as a parent. i have seen some children with horrific family lives just thrive with a bit of care and attention that they were missing while they were in their home environment - i could understand at a rather young age that kids needed to have their needs attended to and it WAS an instinct. i'd jump in and pick up a baby that was starting to grizzle because it felt right. i hated having the kids in the house growing up cos it was a major invasion of my space while trying to study and stuff - but it did teach me a lot about raising children, what i did and didn't agree with etc. i don't think, apart from the time i was living on campus for uni, that i've ever really had any time where i haven't had children around me in some capacity - day care kids, friends kids, nieces/nephews - and now E.
thankfully, even though he is probably from my parents generation age-wise, my DH is also very much an instinctual parent. i think that helps me to believe in myself. when i'm having a bad day and wondering how to "fix" things, he is able to help me talk things through so that i'm no longer so stressed about it. we're able to discuss why we believe DD is doing what she is doing, how we as her parents can work with her to get past whatever hurdle it is (at the moment, she is exceptionally frustrated as she can't crawl so he is sitting on the floor with her to encourage her and be there when she is upset - to help her past the frustration etc)
we don't have a village apart from the one i have become a part of on bb - all our friends have much older children (some have older grandchildren as we have friends over a wide age range) - it means i pretty much have no choice but to trust myself!
The turn of this conversation has taken a timely turn. We're looking at relocating this year to a more rural area, where I'm going to have to establish new networks from scratch and this whole 'village' thing has been playing on my mind. I have one where I am now, in a vague sense. MiL around the corner, neighbours close by whose kids DS plays with, brigade families I can count on if I need etc. Because of this impending move, I recently upgraded my BB membership to Life (very grateful for being RAK'd, though!) because in my new place, especially in the new days, I'm gonna need my portable village for moral support at any given time of the day.
establishing networks can be difficult - i'm thinking of giving it a few more months so that DD is a little more mobile (and doesn't get squooshed by the older kids) and taking her to the local playgroup. there are other kidlets around her age here, but not easy to get to know people (most of them have been here their whole lives so know each other - i'm an outsider having only come here recently, started having kids later etc)
if you can find a local playgroup you may be able to find kids similar in age to your own. perhaps even getting involved with the brigade in your new area would be a good move.
Looking at the areas between Warragul and Korrumburra (ideally not further south than Strzlecki). As soon as we're in our shed (we'll be building) I'll transfer brigades, but I'll get in touch with that brigade before that point.
I can switch ABA groups, look up my nearest adult horse riding club (will have parents in it!) andd will definitely look up playgroups
I'm lucky in that I already have these broader affiliations.
ahh not too rural (but in comparison to my understanding of the dandenongs i guess it is)
having those sorts of affilliations will help a heap - at least you'll have something in common with people to start out. that's where i struggled when i moved out here - i married an older guy, so all his friends were older. his brother had just died and there was a fight about his estate, so the town gossip decided to label me a gold digger (gee thanks!), i was childless so wasn't able to make the break into that "set" of people back then - and now, i'm established with the friends we have, and am struggling to move outside that to make contact with others. maybe once i'm back at work, i'll start to expand my world a little more cos i'll regain some confidence in myself again. online i'm quite confident in making friends - IRL - hell no!
Yeah, not 'rural' just 'more rural'! The hills aren't rural
Gotta love a small town mentality Yep, I"m more thankful than ever for my semi-formal contacts and joining interest groups! I used to keep myself to myself until about 10 years ago - moving my horse from Warragul to my area opened up my world and my confidence. I've got some family friends in the Warragul area, too, so it's about as far as I want to move. We'll have our friends come to visit when we move (the closer friends, cos we'll be in a shed!) and then when we have a house we'll have a rush of friends come over for a while before it all dies off and we have to go in to them again. That and the ABA group will be where my kids will see kids of other ages. When we move it will be peer groups again, really, through playgroup and other activities that are grouped into ages.
Reply With Quote
Yep, I"m more thankful than ever for my semi-formal contacts and joining interest groups! I used to keep myself to myself until about 10 years ago - moving my horse from Warragul to my area opened up my world and my confidence. I've got some family friends in the Warragul area, too, so it's about as far as I want to move. We'll have our friends come to visit when we move (the closer friends, cos we'll be in a shed!) and then when we have a house we'll have a rush of friends come over for a while before it all dies off and we have to go in to them again. That and the ABA group will be where my kids will see kids of other ages. When we move it will be peer groups again, really, through playgroup and other activities that are grouped into ages.
Bookmarks