I go to Triple P classes, Raising Boys seminars, Sleeping workshops, Food Cents programs, Circle of Security courses, some other thing I'm doing atm that I can't remember the name of and have people out to tell me what I'm doing wrong but every single thing I go to tells me I'm doing the right thing most of the time and that's all anyone can ask for right?
But what about the minority of the time? The times where you are just so worn down and worn out that you just can't do it any more?
I don't let MrT go to bed crying, if he is crying, my job isn't finished. He wants more boob, a bum change, cuddles, chat, play, different position, dummy, music, has a sore tummy, wind or just something that I have no idea about. All of those things I stay up and try to fix so I can put down my happy baby, awake or already asleep, and try again, hopefully with him staying asleep or happily laying there and eventually dozing off. Sounds simple enough and is easy enough most of the time but then *insert shark music* it's one of those minority times that, try as you might, you just are not strong enough to be a positive parent.
Take today/tonight for instance. Had a great sleep last night, woke feeling positive and before both the boys, MrJ wakes up and we have cuddles before MrT wakes for a feed, I feed MrT while MrT makes himself brekky and eats up, MrT is back asleep, me and MrJ get to spend heaps of time together, snuggle up and watch a movie together, do some jobs together, MrT wakes up, MrJ is awesome at keeping him entertained while I hunt around for a snappi and I come back to MrJ singing "Hey Diddle Diddle" to MrJ and we sing songs together while I change MrT as he is giggling and laughing away, then off we go to drop MrJ off at my Nan's as I head off to Session 2 of the Triple P program where I catch up with my support worker, MrT is being the star and talking over the presenters leaving me laughing hysterically, go visit a friend in the area afterwards as MrJ doesn't want me back yet, pick up MrJ and he does a run and jump hug at me lol, get back home and MrJ wants another movie while I feed MrT, feed MrT, feed MrT, feed MrT, MrT wont stop crying, go through all possible causes, MrT still crying, MrJ fighting for attention, persistant crying and vying for my attention from the pair of them, put a stop to it by announcing bedtime as I'm at my wits end and it's close enough anyways, MrJ cleans his room as I feed MrT again, have cuddles with MrJ as I'm feeding MrT and MrJ hops in bed, I attempt to stop feeding MrT and instant screaming each and every time and nothing but boob will make him settle back down (.... And here is where is goes wrong...) I start feeling angry, frustrated, stressed, anxious, useless and am getting rather tense, MrT is and has been fussing at the breast for most of the time we have spent feeding and it is making the feeling worse especially with him constantly pulling off and then screaming about it before I have a second to react and replace the breast and I just can't keep going. The thoughts in my head are damaging and I'd rather not be near either of the boys as I fear that I will be placing them in danger because I am just that upset. MrJ is asleep, I put MrT down safe in his cot and walk out, MrT is screaming to high heaven.
Now what am I supposed to do? If I am near him at this point, I would be afraid that I could hurt him, if I am not there to comfort him, just to be there with him, for him, I am hurting him. I cannot walk away and go back and try again, his crying is upsetting me too much to be able to calm down and I can't walk away to where I cannot hear him because he deserves to be heard and seen to when he is upset.
I can't explain exactly how I feel but lost seems to fill in a lot of blanks.
Most the time I can find the strength to pull through and be there. The other night, I ended up placing him down on my bed, punching the absolute buggery out of the wall and just screaming, left him laying there with him still screaming but even worse now because I upset him by my outburst and just sat there on the edge on my bed, head resting on his bassinet and just seemed to block everything out for a while before finally coming back and calmly picking him up, rocked him, fed him and placed him down in his bassinet where he happily fell asleep. Tonight I just left him crying in his cot and went into my room as I was afraid I would have another outburst again. He cried for a little while (not even 5mins), drifted off, woke and cried a lil again (for maybe a minute) and went to sleep and has been asleep ever since. It doesn't always play out that he'll stop so soon, sometimes he'll just keep screaming and I can't get just a few seconds of quiet to come back down, when I do get that little break, I can go back calmed a little and hold him until he is asleep or ready to go to sleep.
Kinda questioning why I'm even asking what I'm supposed to do because I feel like the best thing for them would be for them not to have me as their Mother anymore because I'm wrong and broken for not being able to do the right thing, for not knowing what the right thing is TO do. I feel alone.

What IS the right thing to do?