Should I wean? My Heartbreak

[MeredithD]

Wow, has been soooo long since I've posted on BB just due to lack of time.
But am now in desperate need of some support.
My DS is now nearly 13mths old and still happily B/Fing.
We had difficulty conceiving him due to fertility issues with me (I just don't ovulate!) and then a couple of m/c's.
Breastfeeding came very easily and has been a joy to both of us. I feel particularly blessed that my body CAN do something right naturally without medical intervention.
My heartbreak comes with the desperate longing for number 2 child (and possibly allow time for a third after that). My little biological clock is ticking louder than ever and I don't want to wait to much longer given my age and previous fertility issues. BUT, despite my hope for a miracle return of AF naturally - no luck. After much research, I decided to go back for a round of fertility treatment (ovulation induction with FSH/Pregnyl) whilst still BFing (doctors didn't ask and I didn't tell!) I did reluctantly wean DS down to just one feed in the morning prior to this. Sadly the cycle has just been abandoned. I was not responding to drugs at all and then to many follicles but really low hormones.
So who knows if just my body being stupid or related to even the small amount of BFing?
So my dilema now - do I cut him off completely to give another cycle a fair go or continue to feed and forfit hopes of conceiving again any time soon.
My DH doesn't understand at all how hard this is for me. He just thinks stop the BFing -"how hard is it? Just stop!" But its so much more than that. It breaks my heart to consider cutting that bond before we are both ready but I also really, really need to have another child. How do women make that break and survive it?
I don't want to regret any decision longterm. Just looking for some support or advice?

[Phteven]

what a difficult choice to make.
I love breastfeeding and it's going to make me sad when I have to give up so I understand why you're hesitating.
Have you spoken to you FS about it?

[Michelle71]

Meredith I am facing the same decision. It has taken us so long to get the breastfeeding sorted and now I am reluctant to wean any time soon. But I also know that inhibits my chances of conceiving naturally (or like the other 2 pregnancies - with clomid) I too am getting older and would like 3 live babies but time is of the essence. My cycles haven't returned yet either.

I guess I don't have any advice for you - just understanding and empathy. Your answer will come when one desire overwhelms the other. In the meantime - you should be so very proud of your breastfeeding achievements. And you are still my breech delivery hero

Chloe's advice about asking your FS is a good one too.

[Epacris]

Meredith, Oh that’s such a hard situation to be in. I can totally relate to having a DH that doesn’t understand. My DH is wonderful but most things to do with BFing, he just didn’t “get”.

I can’t tell you what to do, only you can decide that. I gave up BFing a few days ago with great sadness, my DS wasn’t as interested in BFing as your DS. Already things are much better and I’m not so sad and we have the loveliest cuddles. And we’re TTC#2 so I’m looking forward to BFing again hopefully one day soon.

I guess what I’m saying is, if you do stop BFing you will still have a wonderful bond with your DS, you will be truly happy and excited about TTC, you will get to BF again sooner (hopefully) and the sadness of saying goodbye to BFing will go, especially if you keep busy (as you do with a little one).

[Edensmumma]

Meredith i just wanted to say i am glad you and all of us have a place to come and share.. situations like yours are common and heartbreaking and so bloody hard...
i am still BF and am crazy crazy to conceive again, but i dont have the added pressure that u have, but i feel for you... i know i will be sad when Eden weans and i couldnt bring myself to wean her, but i know her feeding is prolonging bub 2 being conceived..
big big hugs to you darl, i hope you get some answers and some peace of mind soon...
I'm sorry i have no advice just hope that u can have everything you want without having to give up all the things you love.. i think you'd have to be lover of BF'ing to really ever understand the true magic of it

[sushee]

Hi Meredith,

I faced the same decision when Charlie was 11 months old. We wanted to do an FET and because it was unmedicated, my FS agreed to let me try without weaning. Unfortunately despite having regular periods, it was looking like I wasn't going to ovulate, and my FS suggested I wean. In a rush of desperation, I did in fact wean Charlie at 11.5 months, only to find my cycle cancelled anyway.

In retrospect, I wish I had not rushed to wean. Charlie was not ready, and after all we'd been through. we were finally relaxing and enjoying our BFing relationship. I too felt the biological clock ticking, but the price I paid (the loss of that special time with my son) was too high a price to pay in the end.

Looking back the thing I regret most is not that I lost time on the TTC wagon, but that I gave up something I will never have with Charlie again. If I had my chance to do it all again, I would have waited until he was 18 months/2 years before deciding on whether to wean if he hadn't already done it himself. He's almost 2 already, and that time went faster than I thought possible. I still mourn what could have been.

And more than that, there are no studies that show that FSH doesn't cross BM, so while I know it's a temptation to not tell FS that you're still BFing, I would definitely seek his advice before attempting another cycle. Your longing for a child won't wane with time, I know, but it will survive a few more months of you putting your and your son's BFing relationship first. And remember, even if you wean, it doesn't mean you'll immediately start Oing again. It took me close to 6 months to get regular cycles again, so you may wean and it might be for nothing after all.

[MeredithD]

Thankyou all for the support. I know no one can give me the "magic" answer.
For those who asked, I did initially talk with FS about continuing BFing but she was a no to it, although mostly for reason of unknown risk to DS (she doesn't know I tried this cycle whilst still feeding). She also, like many, does not "get" the incredible difficulty in actually weaning.Sushee, I did my own research into the risks of fertility meds to DS (there is even a very recent ABA talk on the subject) and felt very comfortable that the risks to him were very low, probably no more than if i was cycling naturally. Thankyou for your story -I sooo understand how you must feel. I am worried about regretting the choice to wean especially if I don't get pg but then I might also regret not trying sooner rather than later. I don't want to lose the opportunity to have another child if that is possible.Just wish I had the crystal ball!!
Michelle - so lovely to see you still in here. We have shared similar journeys and now look - our boys growing up to fast!! How are you leaning at the moment - wean or not?
I really hoped cutting right back on the feeding would do the trick but looks like I will be in the small % of women who need to wean completely for ovaries to work. Well, at least I hope they WILL respond if I wean.
Now I'm rambling, this is all so hard but I am glad i came back in here. Its nice to communicate with some women who understand. Most people would just tell me to wean and get over it!

[BellyBelly]

Hi gorgeous.... if you do decide to wean, some great advice here:

https://www.bellybelly.com.au/baby/weaning-your-baby

It's a tough decision... only you can decide what you think you will regret most and whats most important to you right now - only you have the right answer for that one sweets. x

[MeredithD]

Thats my line of thinking too atm Shannon but the actual reality of not letting him BF anymore is much harsher than it sounds

Actually, truth be told, it will be harder for me than him i think

[sushee]

For me in this situation, long term I would probably regret the fertility side of things rather than the breastfeeding side. When I am old and my kids are adults, the impact of how long they breastfed will be less than the impact of if I didn't have one of them at all.

I was actually convinced that that was how I would feel too, but it didn't take me very long to regret giving up BFing. I think for me, it's because I didn't go on to have another child, and likely won't. It's a lot of pressue to put on yourself to ensure you get pg again, if you're worrying about what you've sacrificed to get there.

I'm sure the right decision will come to you, hun. Just don't rush into it.

[Barb Glare]

Hi,

It's a tough decision. You have breastfed long and well. Breastfeeding is a special gift that we can give our children. It may be normal, but in this culture, it is a particularly special gift. On the other hand, giving your child a sibling is a special and treasured gift as well. Weaning, for your little one at 13mnths may be fairly painfee. There are other little "special times" you can create for the two of you - the bedtime story, or special baths with mummy, doing things together and long walks in the sling. If you decide to wean, feel really proud of what you have done! None of us have a crystal ball to see where the other fork in the road will lead. If you wean, be understanding of yourself - you will grieve for that special time. My other suggestion? Buy yourself a nice, expensive, special piece of jewelry to remember your breastfeeding experience by. It is something you will only do a few times in your life. Celebrate it!
Warm Regards
Barb

[BellyBelly]

Meredith, I don't know if it will be any consellation but I have recently been through weaning too, for my own reasons -I was tired, exhausted and had glandular fever. We used Elijah's third birthday as a trigger, and I HAD to stick to my guns. But he is older and it was so hard for me - I almost gave in. He started hitting me, getting angry at me and crying alot. He wanted to be with daddy and not me. Now he has become a daddy's boy but it's normal at his age. It breaks my heart too - it was so hard. So you could feed until he is three and still have the same guilt... please don't be hard on yourself hon, I think a very special present is in order too. What do YOU really want? x

[Michelle71]

Meredith - I am not planning on weaning any time soon - I only just got it sorted!!! It is my intention (all going well) to feed to 12 months and reassess. The way it is going I won't get to wean for a while anyway. He is a boobie monster who feeds every 2-3 hours day and night

[MeredithD]

Thanks Barb and Kelly - guilt and grief are defnitely the strongest emotions I am/will be feeling. You do have a good point Kelly, I guess not much will change that even if I wait longer or even if he self weaned (that might almost be sadder). Cutting out the night feed has been fairly easy (for him). I just gave him bottle of milk prior to BF and increased the volume every day until he really just suckled for couple of mins for comfort. So yes, he is and will be fine, But I still miss even that feed a lot, maybe even more so that he is not looking for it iykwim.
What do I want? hmmm have to think that one over

[MeredithD]

Sorry Michelle, missed your post. Ahh yes, i remember the days of 24hr attachment to boobies.
It will ease, i assure you!

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

Well done to get to 13 months and still be breastfeeding, thats great!! I don't know what I would do if i were you, its such a difficult situation, but if you decide to discontinue breastfeeding, you shouldn't feel guilty because you got him to the first year.

Can you talk to a doctor about this, perhaps the doctor(s) who helped you concieve your son? I know breastfeeding is meant to stop ovulation, but it doesn't always. I've been breastfeeding exclusively for a little over three months and I got my period today. *Shrug*