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Thread: Issues for young dads

  1. #1

    Default Issues for young dads

    I don't have a problem with age and parenting - in fact, although I know it's more "trendy" to have babies when you're 30+, I never wanted to do that. I always wanted to be a younger mummy, and don't think an age of 25 puts us in the "younger" category.



    My DH, however, is complaining that he'll very much be a young dad. He'll be 25, nearly 26. That's not that young! I suppose because we do "grown up" stuff, like going to National Trust parks and whatnot, we see the parents who are about 40 with their little tots and pushchairs, when we go to the shops then we see the younger parents, but neither of us like hanging around the local mall all day. I've tried to point out the positives: he's young enough to play with the children without his hip replacement playing up (DH's dad has a hip replacement); the children will remember him with hair, something his 30-year-old brother will never have; we don't need thousands and thousands in the bank to have children; they'll have moved out before we retire so at least we're struggling at the right end of our lives; employers often look more favourably on married men with children, because they won't call in with hangovers half the time at work; he spends four-five hours laughing at a bird with diarrhoea and a child would appreciate that too...

    Any other reasons why it's great to be a dad at 25? Maybe some men can help with this one if they see this/you lovely ladies ask them. My dad was 28 when I was born (well, 27, 28 the week after I was born) and I know it's great to have a dad who can lift you up on his shoulders, take you out places, it's great to have grandparents, it's great to have great-grandparents, people don't run screaming when you go out in shorts... but DH's dad was 40 when DH was born. He says he doesn't want to be that old, but he just can't see the advantages of us having children this young right now. Could be because he's been in a grumpy mood again of late, but I'd love some more reasons to give to him.

  2. #2

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    Well, there are lot's of younger dads out there! Any chance that it's not the "young" part, so much as the "dad" part? I think a lot of guys kind of panic when they realize that they are definitely committed to the parenting thing! The baby IS COMING, and they are going to be dads! So it could be that you will not be able to "reason" with him about this feeling, just reassure him that it will be OK, and he will be a great dad.
    That being said, there are so many wonderful things about being younger parents that you can pass along to him. Energy level is one major issue. Older parents, I think, do not have the energy or stamina of younger ones.
    And children bring so much richness to your life - why put that off? A baby brings some of the biggest challenges and biggest joys of your life. Parenting causes "soul growth", if you know what I mean. You will be given opportunities to laugh at things you never would have otherwise, and to notice things the way a child does, and to see things the way that they do. You will have a little person who thinks that you make the world go round, and that you can solve any problem that they come to you with. Why would you want to wait for that? They will of course, make huge demands on you too, but this also will teach you patience, compassion, sympathy, and self denial. These are character traits that make you a much better person.
    Older parents are often fairly set into a routine, and children can be a much bigger disruption then as well. Younger parents can often be more flexible, which is necessary!
    Of course, there are many older parents out there who are doing a wonderful job of parenting, and age certainly doesn't determine whether you will be a good parent or not, so I hope that no older parents reading this will be offended, but over all, I would definitely recommend becoming parents at a younger age, rather than older.
    Maybe it would help your DH, Ryn, to have some discussions with other younger dads? If all he is seeing is 40ish parents, no wonder he feels out of place! A a few new friends might give him the support and encouragement that he needs.
    Anyways, I hope that he comes around soon, and you can feel like both of you are eagerly anticipating this baby together!
    By the way, my DH was 21 when our first was born, my BIL was 20 when his DD was born, and all of our close friends have had their first kids in their early 20s. Our parents also, both got married around 20, and had their first a year or two later. So for us, it's pretty normal and doesn't seem young at all. So I really think that having some friends in a similar life situation to yours might be a real help to your DH.
    HTH!
    All the best.

  3. #3

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    Just wanted to add one more thing - my parents had kids in two "groups" kind of, the first 6 of us from when they were 22 - 32ish, and then 2 more around 40, and they often comment on the difference in energy level from when we were little, to how they feel now with my littlest brother and sister. I can remember going skating and sledding with my parents and it was great! We went camping more, and played "tackle Dad" and they just can't do that any more! Also, we older ones notice that they don't seem to have the energy to discipline the way they used to!

  4. #4

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    Thanks for the reply.

    Oh, I know what you mean about the energy levels! Especially when it comes to grandchildren later on - I'm so pleased my parents were more active with me than DH's parents were with him, and so pleased my mum can get down on the floor and play with Liebling, something the in-laws can't do. Although that's not an age thing - my 80-year-old grandma is younger than my in-laws, and my favourite great-aunt has lupus, so could never get on the floor and play, but she's still younger than the in-laws who mostly choose not to have fun rather than are too old for it.

    Whilst I know "younger" parents, they're not our age now! All our friends are either single or happily child-free, although I noticed one of my friends had a book entitled Taking Charge of your Fertility on the bookshelf when I was visiting her and her husband, so fingers crossed we won't be the only ones for long! All DH's friends are still single and out drinking most nights, which DH has never liked doing.

    He's mostly upset about the fact that he's not earning as much as he would have liked. When would he ever have earned that amount? We put off having babies over a year longer than I wanted anyway (I wanted to start a few months after our wedding, and would have pushed the wedding forward if I could have!). Oh, I'm just getting upset with him again because he is so... well, he's just so grumpy about everything. He'll suggest we go baby shopping, then get mad that I get excited about it while we're in the shop. He even got so upset that I put together some furniture on my own (because he was grumping about it) that he's doing the cot by himself when he gets home from work, before I get in. DH's dad also put off children until he was "financially secure" then was made redundant when DH was young and found his age a barrier to getting another job. At least we don't have that problem!

    I reckon it's because his brother was 29 when niece was born. I don't get that argument though, because DH got engaged at a younger age to his brother (20 compared to 24), married at a younger age to his brother (23 compared to 25), bought a house at a younger age (24 not 25) and even got a permanent job at a younger age (23 not 28). So what's wrong with a baby at 25, not 29? *shrug* I know it's a thing about his brother, but he hates it when I know it's that (part of the reason we were engaged so quickly, I believe, was because we met a week or so after BiL announced his engagement - I also think that's the reason DH suddenly decided that renting for two years wasn't an option and we HAD to buy the summer after we married).

    I am really hoping there's a nice couple about our age on the antenatal course we're doing. The only chap I really know IRL who's having his first baby around the same time as us is in his mid-late thirties, so not much of a back-up! We really don't know anyone our own age who is having a baby, which I don't think helps, but I do know my uncle was very young when he had his three so we'll see him at Christmas and I know my DH thinks that his three are sweet, even though two are teenagers now, so maybe that will help.

    Oh, I'm just sick of having to be happy to chivvy him all the time cos whenever I get upset he just tells me off. He's always been like this, just I can't be doing with it right now! Sorry, I guess I just needed a whinge - but I would love as many ideas as you can throw at me!

  5. #5

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    Well, I hope things are a little better for you today Ryn. I know sometimes it can seem overwhelming when you don't feel like DH understands, or is on the same page as you. I'm afraid I don't have any wonderful suggestions for you, except to say that it really sounds like your DH is afraid of breaking the mold set by his parents and brother, and becoming nervous about being a father (I think that the age thing probably isn't really at the heart of it). He needs to be his own man, and make and take responsibility for his own decisions. But that is a personal change for him, and you can't make it for him, or say any "magic words" to make it happen. I have a feeling that it would help to do your best to make him feel like he CAN do it, and he will be a good father, (maybe even a better dad because he is younger!).
    It feels backwards, I'm sure, because you're the pregnant one, and he's supposed to be supporting you, and making sure that you're OK, but hopefully soon he'll be OK, and you'll have encouragement and support for yourself again from him. I guess that's part of what marriage is right - give and take?
    By the way, I think I remember you posting elsewhere that you attend church, but DH doesn't feel comfortable coming with. Is that right, or am I getting confused? Are there any young couples in your church with little kids? Maybe you could meet for tea sometime? Otherwise, the antenatal course is probably a great place to meet some couples in your situation.
    Is there any chance that you guys could take a weekend away together and find away to (carefully and gently!) talk about your hopes, fears, concerns, etc?
    Does your DH have any close men friends, or family? Does he talk to his dad, or his brother? Would they have encouragement to offer, or would they be more likely to tell him that he's right to be nervous, and he was foolish not to do what they did?
    Anyways, those are the best ideas I can come up with, and like I said before, I really hope things sort themselves out for you soon, cause it's miserable to feel alone in any way in a marriage. It's not your fault if he feels this way, so don't feel guilty about it!
    All the best!

  6. #6

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    My DH gets a bit angry too sometimes because he feels that being a young dad is a lot of pressure for him to provide and whatever. It only happens on the rare days that he's had a bad day at work or Faith is being quite a pain.

    I tell him that all these older dads won't half the same energy and whatever, I'm not saying that the older dads have none, but because he's only 20, he can race around with her for just that bit longer and she loves it. She never wants it to stop. I tell him that he might be more in tune with our kid(s) because of the less of an age generational gap, yknow what I mean?

    Another thing I do that seems to have increased his confidence is when he suggest taking Faith somewhere, like to a playground or down the shop or whatever, I always I bet she would love that! I tend to hand over the reigns a bit more and let him see for himself that its great having kid(s) at a younger age. When we are ready to retire, our kid(s) will be full blown working, not in the middle of school and we have to find another way to support them.

    I'm probably all over the place, yknow. I told my DH that being a parent would be challenging, and becoming a dad at 19 would be even harder, but we've taken it as it comes and thats really the best way to handle it.

    I hope that made sense.

  7. #7

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    Thanks girls.

    Well, had a big rant yesterday so feel a bit better now, if a bit upset DH has today off work too so it's not my slob day, it's with him IYSWIM? I like time to myself! I haven't met anyone my age with children yet... but I'm really hoping to at the antenatal classes! The girls at Church with babies are usually 4-14 years older than me, so no-one really that close in age. DH is really feeling that gap! As I said, it would help a lot if his friends were even thinking about settling down, but his best mate doesn't even have a girlfriend so it's not looking too likely.

    Actually, I'm looking forward to playing up the "mummy and daddy don't do cool" bit - my dad loves irritating my sister by getting words wrong, like "widgie" instead of wedgie, and I can't wait to start that! Just to see the look on my sister's face. I know, I'm a big meanie, but she's so easy to wind up and when she calms down a couple of minutes later laughs the loudest.

    I am looking forward to having a few years pre-retirement to have money for me and DH; I'd rather have money at the end than get to retirement and find I'm still paying for weddings and University and whatnot.

    I think he's ignoring the issue because he doesn't like his job, so is job-hunting. He never tells me much what's going on, so it took half an hour to prise out of him what he's doing with work today (he's stressed... that's it). Anyway, let's hope he gets a new job soon with less stress and so we can enjoy parenthood a bit more!

  8. #8

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    Glad to hear things are better! I don't know about you, but stress between me and my DH makes me absolutely miserable. Mine has been working about 12 hours a day, 6 days a week, for the past 3 months, (we're building our own house, along with his regular work) and it has been getting to me lately that everything else seems to come first, before me and the kids. But I thought about it a lot yesterday, and decided that he's doing his best, and I'll have to be patient and just help him get through this, cause it's not going to last forever! He just can not take time off when he's got a project on his mind (aside from Sunday) and I can't change him, so I'll just have to love him through his "faults". It was really making me frustrated and upset and unhappy, but we had such a nice evening last night - the kids went to bed early, and we had time to talk and cuddle, and I feel GREAT this morning, and he does too. It's amazing how much difference that makes in my day! The weight of the world is off my shoulders!
    Anyways, I hope that you are feeling the same relief that I am. I guess that's why I took an interest right away in your post - 'cause it sounded like you might be feeling kind of like I was.
    Hope you guys had a good day together! All the best!

  9. #9

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    I wish we could talk and cuddle! DH doesn't do that - he barely touches me any more. But that's because he really doesn't fancy me now I'm pregnant, it will be better when my body is all nice and normal again. I can't wait for that either, I hate feeling this fat.

    You poor love with your DH working 12 hours a day. That would upset me too: even though I know DH is doing stuff for the family, I'd rather he do it with the family a bit more! As you say, you just have to love the faults as well as the good things... even when you can't remember what the good things are!

  10. #10

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    He doesn't fancy you now that you're pregnant!?!?!? :eek:
    Oohh, Ryn, that's brutal! Of all the times that you need your husband's love and attention, emotionally and physically, being pregnant is probably the greatest! (at least, that's the way I felt.) I needed him to still find me attractive, and to tell me that I was beautiful when I felt like I was huge and fat.
    Is there any chance that your DH is feeling isolated and overwhelmed by the whole pregnancy/parenting thing? It might not be you at all, just his insecurity about the whole situation. He might feel like he can't touch you, or that you are not interested in any physical contact anymore. Can you talk to him? Can you ask him for a date, and then order something in, and stay at home and sit on the couch together and talk? It sounds like both of you are getting hurt, and it won't get better unless you talk. Maybe if you tell him that you will just listen, and not comment or respond to anything that he says - at least then you will know what's inside his head, and how he is feeling. Then maybe the next night, or in a couple of days, ask for your turn.
    There are also some great books for dads-to-be, with varying styles - some are serious and factual about pregancy, and some are pretty funny. Maybe you could find one that might appeal to him, and see if it helps him know what to expect and how to best help you, and how to cope with the whole thing.
    I have had times too, where I felt like everything my DH did was thoughtless, but we always work it out and things are better than ever after that. Once you've felt the "cold" for a little while, you appreciate the warmth that much more! Ryn, honey, it sounds like you really need to spend a little time talking to your man, 'cause you don't sound very happy, and my guess is, he isn't really, either. Pregnancy puts a big stress on a relationship, because it changes the way that you relate to each other. You were simply lovers before, and now you will be parents. It can be hard to adjust to the change, but believe me - things will be great again. Please talk to him! Let him know (in a loving way) that you are feeling alone and you need him, and try to get him to open up to you about his issues.
    Maybe I've overreacted a little, but those would be my feelings, if I felt like my DH was not looking forward to the baby with me, and if he didn't support me in my needs, and didn't seem to want to touch me when I was pregnant. I really hope that you get a chance to have some time with your DH and I'm sure you'll be able to remember the good things about him again.
    All the best.

  11. #11

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    I am just going to conclude that my DH is the same as his dad when it comes to this - stupid, rude and tactless. He's pretty thick about some things anyway, so I WILL relax about this!

    The interview he had yesterday was for pretty much the same job as he does now, just with more normal hours (ie not starting at 7.30am), in a "friendly" environment, for a bit more money and appeared to be less stressful. And he gets to see a project through, not just work on someone else's project then hand it over a couple of months later. So he has a second interview for that and he should find out soon, although I believe he's on the "preferred candidate" list from what he said.

    He is getting a bit better with me, we had a bit of a cuddle last night (after I nagged for that for about an hour!) watching a film, but he's still not realising that I can't run about after him like I could! I want him in a maternity suit and to give him a diauretic so he has to run up and down to the loo every five minutes, and I'll ask him to make me a coffee while he's up. Well, serves him right! And I'll get him to do a big task, like all the shopping, in the suit, because that wears me out!

    He just keeps saying he's stressed at work and he'll be better with a new job. Yeah right, he's a high-stress person. I'm the one who has a job interview at 8+ months pregnant and is going to lose her job, I really don't see how his job can be that much more high-stress! As he says, at least when I'm made redundant I will still get maternity pay and I can look for a decent job; I'll have a few months for that. I suppose we both know I'm so over this job now (which is a shame, because I used to love it) that being made redundant isn't that much of a bad thing, because I would have quit anyway! He won't talk to me about his work because it's all "secret" stuff. He does tell me more than maybe he should, but he doesn't like to talk about it. He prefers to shoot stuff on the computer, which I can live with so long as it's not all night every night.

    Anyway, I'm going to say I'm having too much difficulty getting out of bed this weekend: I'll spend my weekend with a book and get DH to vacuum, do the washing-up (still there from yesterday as I did all the cooking) and finish the clothes washing, which I'll organise tonight. I'll also make DH go out and get us take-out tonight, or he can do all the dinner stuff.

    Pregnancy books - I've tried to show him mine and he doesn't look at them, but I have bought him a baby book for Christmas so that should maybe make him look at it. Who knows? He's not much of a reader anyway, but watching TV shows about pregnancy doesn't work either. This is the man who thought I had a brain tumour rather than was pregnant after my blood test because I hadn't thrown up. I ended up asking him if he'd rather I have a brain tumour or be pregnant - he was a bit surprised at that one! I'm not really the most rational person any more!

  12. #12

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    Well, how was the weekend? I hope you got some rest, and maybe even got a few things sorted out with your DH. Try not to punish him, though, 'cause that won't get you anywhere. I know it can be frustrating when you feel like all you do is give, and you don't get a whole lot back, but if you stop, things will only get worse. Sometimes it takes others a little while to respond, but have faith that your DH will, in time, respond to your affection, patience, and support, and will also learn to give you what you need in the relationship. Communication, in a loving, non-confrontational manner, is essential, as is empathy. Try to put yourself in his shoes, too - he probably has not a clue about pregnancy, or the needs and feelings of pregnant women, and the learning curve, combined with the pressure of looking for work (men often feel an almost panicky need to provide more for their family when they are expecting their first), and the idea of becoming a young father, is probably a little overwhelming for him too. (not to belittle your needs, of course, but don't forget his either.) Withholding your support from him will not get you what you need, nor will nagging, but when you give him what he needs and gently communicate what you need, you might be surprised!
    How's work going? Any new options for when your maternity leave is done? Any chance you can stay home after your baby is born? I'm home with my daughters, and I find it worth the sacrifice to be able to stay with them, but I do love it. Of course, it doesn't work for everyone, but maybe you could consider it - it would end the stress of job hunting anyways. By the way - how long is maternity leave in England? Here the laws have changed recently, and you get a year, which a lot of mothers really appreciate. The other nice thing is that the government has also begun a "child care" program that gives $100 a month for every child under six to allow parents to determine how their children will be cared for - either at home, or in a daycare.
    Anyways, I hope you had a great weekend, and that things are going well for you. Only a few more weeks of "fatness" left to go, before Liebling is in your arms!
    All the best.

  13. #13

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    Thanks for asking about me!

    The weekend was quite good - I made sure I didn't argue with DH at all, even though I could have done (my mother upset me a lot again). I fact, I went out of my way to seduce him, which went OK from his end so all is good!

    Maternity leave... well, as soon as I go on it, I'm going to have a job interview for my "new" job, which is twice as much work as the old one for no extra pay, so I don't want it! But that's OK, no-one would employ a girl on maternity leave. I can take 6 months paid and 6 months unpaid, plus all my holiday for this year and next, so in total I'm off from Christmas and returning 1st March 2008 - 6 months unpaid and one month on half-pay, the rest on full pay, or almost full pay. If I don't get my job, then I still get my 6 months fullish pay, month half pay and I'll start teacher training in September.

    We get "tax credits" to spend on childcare, but no financial help if we don't go back to work. I can't even add my tax-free allowance to DH's any more if I don't work! (Ruddy Bliar...)

    Anyway, DH had a good interview on Thursday, he has another on Wednesday (OK, I teased him about that because it's at his brother's workplace and this girl Nicky "really wants" him because of his brother... I killed myself laughing and did a 3 Billy Goats Gruff thing of "you don't want me, you want my brother, he's so much bigger than I am" - DH doesn't have much of a sense of humour any more) so I hope it will all go a bit better. He's also happily car shopping; we just have to figure out how to pay off 5-6k of hire puchase, then trade our car in and we'll have no car debt then, plus we'll have a car with back seats! I'm hoping my parents can lend us the money for a couple of weeks, which means I really have to bite my tongue around my mother, but having no car debt will really help our finances. OK, so we'll be over-paying the mortgage as soon as that happens, but even so we'll have some "extra" money so don't have to worry about the cost of baby clothes.

    I also get the baby to kick stuff - for some reason DH prefers watching an empty yoghurt pot jumping up and down on my tummy than he does feeling kicks, so we do that now. He's still not interested in pregnancy stuff, but then again I'm still waiting to get that really huge, really pregnant-looking bump. I can still (just) fit into a size 8 skirt, although I can't breathe out too far in it!

  14. #14

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    So happy to hear that your weekend was OK! Too bad about your mum, though. (Sorry, I don't know the history there, but I know that everything a mum says comes through twice as loud as words from others - extra helpful, or extra hurtful. Thankfully my mum and MIL are both the helpful sort.)
    So the seduction went OK from his end? Not so great from yours?
    Why on earth would you bother going for an interview for a job you're not interested in? Or does it have future possibilities? Anyways, I would put that all far from your mind until after the baby. Just focus on finishing up your current work, and preparing for labour, birth, and adjusting to your new role. That will certainly be plenty to handle for a while! BTW - what would you teach if you decide to go that route?
    How's the car shopping coming? I guess maybe that's your DH's way of buying "baby stuff" - it's just "manly" baby stuff. We had a panic with that when our first was born too - we drove a pick-up truck before - no back seat. And we sold it for less than we owed on it, which really stunk, but we got a good, reliable little used car which has been very good to us, and is now all paid off. The debts can definitely be stressful , but we found it amazing how every month we just made it through, and everything was fine!
    About the tax allowances and stuff - our government gives a fair bit depending on your income. I know of one family that had 4 little ones, and their dad didn't have a great job, and between the "supplement for working families" and the tax credit they were recieving $900/month, which now will have increased to include the child care supplement. But our taxes are pretty brutal too. Income tax is 25-30%, and then there is a 6% government sales tax, and a 7% provincial sales tax. So you win some, you lose some.
    Out of curiousity, what is health care like in England? Here all doctor's visits and hospital care and midwife care are covered, as are all vaccinations and meds given in hospital, but not dentists, chiropractors, optometrists, or physical therapists, or prescription medication that you pick up yourself. A lot of people have supplementary health insurance for that. (not us )
    Too funny about the baby kicking the yoghurt container. I used to get a kick out of watching my book jump on my belly.
    Lucky you still squeezing in to regular clothes! I'll bet you'll get your pre-baby shape back pretty quickly too! No fair!
    Anyways, hope all goes well with your DH's interview on Wednesday, and that he's much more cheerful and pleasant to be around for the duration of the pregnancy.
    Have a great day!

  15. #15

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    Oooh, lots of questions!

    My mother... well, bless her, she told me I didn't look big enough (she's not seen me since August) and told me my memories were wrong. She thinks I'm a "mini-me" of her, so gets very upset when I do something that shows I'm not, be it feeling kicks "too early", not "looking pregnant enough" or just disagreeing with her PoV.

    I actually haven't enjoyed myself in the bedroom since I became pregnant - not a psychological thing, as I noticed it before I knew I was pg (found out at 8 weeks). However, I like to know that DH finds me attractive, and that's one way of showing it. He's not a very verbal person (which is why he refuses to discuss this topic with me too!) so I demand demonstrations of his adoration!

    The job interview: they're re-structuring my work; if I don't apply for my "new" job then they don't pay my maternity leave, or rather they pay me SMP, which is half of what I'd get if they make me redundant. So long as I have something to wear I've given up caring because I don't want the "new" job, I just want their money! I'd teach biology/science if I did the teaching route (I'm actually a medical geneticist posing as a PA!) so have started to gather up all the books my boss doesn't want - picked up one today on male hypogonadism. That'll look fab on my shelves!

    Car shopping: I know what car I want. Something small but high, like a Suzuki Wagon R. They're quite cheap to buy second hand and to run. DH is looking at a Toyota Yaris, which means I'll have to bend down to get the baby in and out of the car. Which I don't want! We already have a pram that I can't wear my 4" heels with, and I love those (wearing a pair today - very tricky with a sports car and being over 6' tall). It will be better financially: the current loan is 500 a month, just under, and we wouldn't have to pay that, so could manage quite well for my year off without that being paid every month. Even if we kept the loan for another 6 months, we can afford it OK. Well, OK-ish.

    I won't start on tax credits: just tax us less in the first place! I really hate having to apply and beg the government to give me my own money back - but we are entitled to about 15 a week, so I'm going to make sure I claim that once the baby is here. It's a lot of money to be claiming back... makes me think we should be taxed A LOT LESS. Sorry, bit of a bugbear with me! We have 17.5% VAT (on things like food, tampons... yes, those luxuries), pay... gosh, tax is sliding, but it is about 25% of my small income in tax and NI, then another 5% on a pension, then I pay back my student loan. (Quick, must hide the soapbox from Ryn!)

    Health care is "free" here (paid by NI tax); it's quite good but as I work for the NHS I'm going to slam them for making me re-apply for a stupid job I don't want whilst on Maternity Leave! We get free prescriptions if we're under 18 AND in full-time education, over 65 or pregnant, we also get free physio but there's a long waiting list (unless you're staff); we have to pay for our own maternity girdles though! Even though we pay a tax for a "free" health service, we still have to pay for dentists and opticians. Cost me a small fortune when we were trying to figure out what was wrong with my eyes (still no answer), but at least I had all my dental operations before they stopped being free. I would recommend health insurance to anyone; you can see the doctor 6 weeks earlier than with the NHS (or even a full year earlier in some cases), you get nice food in hospital, your own room, a nursing team who aren't too over-worked to spend time checking you're OK... there's no way I'd want to go NHS for anything. I'm lucky that I'm healthy, I've only needed one operation and that was done privately.

    Anyway, DH is still avoiding baby things, making an effort to NOT come to my antenatal appointments (I have one today he could attend as I made it for when he'd be home, but he chooses not to)... I suppose maybe when we have the car sorted he may be more interested. Or gets a job, but he's told me that he'll be bringing in an extra 300, or he might be doing, and that he wants "play money" with that. I'm more than happy to let him have some, but I want some too! We've gone for years without impulse buying things and every now and then it's nice to be able to buy a new film without re-adjusting the budget for the next six months. Or just buy a new t-shirt when you want to!

    Thanks for talking to me so much about this - it has really made me re-appreciate my DH a bit! I'm still upset he wants nothing to do about the baby, but it is good to talk it out and not upset him with it all.

  16. #16

    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    1,624

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    Sorry about all the questions - just had lots of things popping into my mind that I was curious about.
    About your mum - I can totally see how that would be bothersome. Maybe she feels insecure or something about her own feelings and memories of pregnancy, and so needs you to validate them by having the same feelings and experiences. Probably best to just smile and nod and go on with your life. Easier on your blood pressure anyways. So you didn't look big enough, eh? Next time, maybe add a little stuffing under your shirt and walk around with a great exaggerated waddle. That ought to make her day.
    About the bedroom - that's miserable! Just one more reason to be counting down the days! I wonder if your DH is feeling like he's not satisfying you, and that's why it seems like he's not so interested now that you're pregnant? Wouldn't life be soooooo much easier if men talked a little more!!!
    LOL about the male hypogonadism book. That would make a great coffee table book. Or maybe you could start recommending it to male friends...
    Teaching - highschool or university? (BTW, those are my favourite subjects. I was in nursing before I was married. Didn't finish, (long story, kind of) and wasn't too interested in working 12 hour shifts, but I loved the learning, and was at the top of my class.)
    Car shopping: good idea about the higher car - we've got a little Honda, and it is a bit of a pain to get the kids in and out. Make sure you get one with lots of storage room! Heavens only knows you'll have to carry around lots of baby stuff.
    About budgeting: Been there. Still doing that. Not so much fun when it seems like everyone else can spend their money in a zillion different ways, and you can't. I would really recommend looking around for some good second hand shops for your baby stuff. Over here, they've really become popular, and since so many people are only having one baby, and since they go through the clothes so quickly when their little, the clothing is in brand new condition, and costs 1/4 of the new price. That has saved us piles of money.
    I really hope that your DH comes around to being a great, supportive husband and father, but I guess everyone's got their faults, and we've all got to learn to be understanding. Communication is a learned skill - keep trying to teach him!
    I've enjoyed the discussion myself, and if you ever need to vent again, I'll gladly listen.
    All the best!

  17. #17

    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    2,614

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    I dont really think it is a huge deal what age you are when you become a dad or mum, as long as you'll be there to take care of, support, love etc the kids. My DH is 34 now and will still be 34 when bub is born next year. I dont think thats very old.
    A man who used to work where I work, retired last year . Dont know his age but I am guessing he would be around 60 or so judging by what he looks like. He and his partner have 1 year old twin girls. I always thought that it would be terrible for your teenage/early 20's children to have to care for you when youre alll old and stuff. Maybe its not so bad though?

  18. #18

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    Oooh, both DH and I had the joys of elderly grandparents (in my case, great-grandparents) who needed looking after; neither of us liked that, even if it wasn't full-time. I'd hate to have it be my parents.

    34 isn't old - in fact, that was DH's "cut-off" age for any more ttc because that's young enough to enjoy babies, young enough for them to move out before retirement... but I keep thinking that I want my pre-retirement years to be a bit more selfish, not still looking after and paying out for children! I know that sounds really mean, but you have to pick a selfish time, now or later: we both want later, but I think DH has forgotten that! Oh, I can't write that without sounding dreadful, but I know me: if I have selfish years now, I'll resent the children. Same as when I went to Uni: I really resented my budget, having spent time working and being able to get new clothes/CDs/films whenever I wanted. I really missed having my nights free of study too! I don't want to spend time grumping over this. Plus I just didn't want to not have children, and the sooner you start the earlier problems can be dealt with. DH was always less bothered about the infertility issue; he didn't mind being childless forever as much as I did. OK, a silly worry in hindsight, but I am glad we started earlier rather than later.

    Car - well, the pram is 90x60cm when folded, so we'll need a decent sized car! Hmm, have to call the in-laws tomorrow and set a date to buy that so we can take it along to the car showrooms.

    Baby money/budget - that's fantastic: the in-laws want to spend the same on us as they did BiL and SiL: they spent a fortune on a pram (the very ugly Bugaboo) so because our "travel system" is half that price I have more money for baby clothes! I'm going to buy as much as I can in January in the sales but not go overboard: I know we'll have to wait to find out the gender, then everyone buys you baby clothes, so I'm going to buy the minimum and hope I can pick up some cheapy bigger stuff once the baby is here and growing. There aren't that many baby clothes in charity shops - I know because I love looking at them! Only old toys that don't look quite so safe any more.

    Teaching - I'd do senior school. Actually, there's a really good private prep school (ages 4-13) near us that has 2 weeks for half-term and longer holidays than usual; I'd love to teach there. I know I'd love to do A-Level stuff, but 2 week half-terms are very tempting. I know I have to work in them, but still! I can be at home with my children then.

    Quickly on jobs - DH has his second interview for the first place this afternoon; wish him luck! His brother's work really wasn't his cup of tea, but always a useful bolt-hole if we need it. I really hope he gets this new job! DH is already planning what I can buy with it (clothes for him, pay off more of the mortgage each month... plus he can buy his car parts) so it would be really good if we could do that!

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