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Thread: need help on MIL(real long)sorry!!!

  1. #1

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    Unhappy need help on MIL(real long)sorry!!!

    im goint to try adn make this as short as possible,
    from the start-
    me and my partner had not been dating long at all before we found out i was expecting and i did not no his parents but once they found out we were they offered to build us a granny flat type place real nice.
    (but honeslty i cant help but feel like his mum is only doing it so her lil boy doesnt move out and ditch her since she has real low self esteem and he is the only one that helps her out) anyway though,
    I moved into the house with them until our house would be built which i was promised it would be done before i went into labour i am due in about 1 month and the slab hasnt even gone down yet. so MIL took it into her own hands to set the nursery up in the spare bedroom didnt even consult me just did it her way. (that annoyed me straight away cause she has her ways of doing them and i think that there bizarre and there so old skool.)
    but i dismissed all of that because of what there doing for us and im not a spoilt lil brat at all i truly appreciate everything she is doing when it comes to this granny flat. but now she is starting to get on my nerves cause she seems to think that the woman is pretty much the mans slave now in this day and age its not that way anymore i am no mans slave. will do however anything my partner wants and i forgot to iron his work shirt this morning and she had the BIGGEST B*tch session to him about me being slack and not ironing his shirts? WT?
    (sorry its long)
    my mum lives 6 hours away and reckons i need to do something about it but i dont no what? if anyone has any advice i am open to anything and everything?


  2. #2

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    I remember a post a lot like this one a few months ago... can't remember if that was you though, but I'll try and find it and post a link to it here.


    ETA: Other post is here... http://bellybelly.com.au/forums/issu...wered-mil.html

  3. #3

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    i found this after i had posted mine and had bit of a read my situation is such an awkward and sticky one and half of the story i left out cause of how long it would have been but thank you very much for that.

  4. #4

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    Hi,

    Well definitely not the best situation! I can completely understand how annoying that must be and I don't agree with her behaviour but as you said it is her house which limits your options

    1. You could be completely honest and see her reaction (she may understand and leave you to change the room, or maybe you could work together - she is maybe just very excited and wants to help and doesn't realise it's annoying to you?)

    2. You could move out (If you can afford to it might be the best option having a new baby is hard and you have to create your own structure which would be hard in someone elses house, also have you ever lived alone with dp? might help your relationship) If you think you can't afford it look into centerlink, you might be eligible for rent assistance etc on top of parenting payment once bubs is born. If you don't work you may also be eligible for new start allowance depending on dp's wage - you wouldn't have to actively look for work due to being so preg to receive this

    3. Do nothing and put up with it.

    Maybe none are the best but still they are our options as far as I can see. Hope that helps

  5. #5

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    Aww to you darl.
    I know what you mean about not being together long before finding out your expecting... we celebrated our one year anniversary only a few days before alexander was born. But it's really all the sweeter when you do get through these difficult and testing situations.

    As for your MIL it's a really tough position you're in. I know the rental market is quite quite catastophic just about everywhere at the moment, but I think maybe the best option is for the two of you to get out there on your own and have time together to find yourselves, so to speak.
    Or how about your mum? Can you move closer to / in with her?

    Obviously it's great to be somewhere that makes finances a little easier on us and it really is great what she's doing for you, but I'd say it's going to be a uncomfortable and cause unhealthy relationships if you are having problems and are so close to them IYKWIM?

    As for the nursery / bubs room - just make your own changes. If you want to position things differently then do it. Of course let her add her touches - that's part of living with them you're taking "advantage" of their hospitality (so to speak - its the best way i could word it) and in turn you sort of are obliged to succumb to her excitement. And of that's the way it is, then it may be best just to add things and idea of your own.

    I know a lot of people believe that if you take on the role of a SAHM that it is your duty to take care of everything around the house, etc - thankfully my DF and his parents are not like that and are always encouraging him to help out more. With a newborn that's the sort of positive encouragement the both of you need. If it bugs you so much maybe it is worth speaking to her about it? I know it's hard to try and dismiss the scare of IL confrontation so maybe try and think of a sneaky and creative way to let it pass into conversation. Ie - how women are now allowed to vote, work in stereotypically male workforces, and get paid at a rate similar to men, part of reaching "gender equality" is men having to do the housework too?

    I don't know hun that's my best suggestion.
    Take it easy, these last few weeks of pregnancy can be very tiring and you need all the rest and stress-less days now before your baby comes along.

    Best of luck

  6. #6

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    This sounds a little familiar. Im currently pregnant with my second and with live in the granny flat PIL built for us when i feel pregnant with my first. I think the whole protectiveness of their boys is quite a common thing and because you are technically under her roof then its easier for all to abide by her rules iykwim?

    We are moving out hopefully by the end of this year. I think DP will notice some changes when we are out on our own as i am not his mother, and dont except being treated like it. So im hoping things will change for the best and he will take care of his responsibilities.

    HTH

    Simone

  7. #7

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    Oh gosh I feel for you girls.
    DF is bad enough with not doing anythign for himself and we live 900kms away from his parents.
    I think I would go insane if we were in your position.
    to both of you.

  8. #8

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    Abort!!!
    I have a mother in law like that, they only get worse I found.
    Having a babies a huge job in itself without being judged for it or what your doing!
    I lasted 3 months with my mother in law, who worked full-time, but she still has to do everything for her little boy. If she visits us now she'll wash dishes, mop floors and put washing away.
    It's not that I don't like the help it's they way she does it, now I hide the washing if she turns up.
    The best advice I can give is to break way and get out!
    Hope all goes well!

  9. #9

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    To be honest I think you need to sit down and have a chat to DH and try and get him to say something - she is his mum. SOmething like, thanks so much for your advice, mum, but that's not the way we do things.

    If that doesn't work, I'd suggest you chat to her and say that although you appreciate that's the way she does things and it has worked for her, you feel differently.

    Remind her that it's your bub and you are so excited. Maybe say you can't wait to choose everything for the bub and how great it is a mummy can make choices like these

  10. #10

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    i am so glad im not the only one in this sorta situation i felt like i was the only one going through this and it sucks so bad to cause all my friends and family live 6 hours away all i want to do sometimes is runaway back to my home town but dp said that that was not an option at the beggining cause of his work so i am sacrifising my needs for him and putting up with his mother. it sucks and im so close to my mum yet i have to live so far away.

    sometimes all i want is for my mum to be here and me and tell me everything will be okay.cause i feel all alone here is brisbane.

    thanks to everyone who replied i really appreciate it.

  11. #11

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    Well i don't mean to sound so 'morbid'... but would you, and your baby, be better off close to your parents and your friends.
    It is going to be emotionally unhealthy if you feel isolated and depressed because the people you want near you are so far away. Of course it will be very hard without your DP, if he chose not to follow but surely if he has experience he can get work somewhere else? That and sometimes he will have to make sacrifices too?

  12. #12

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    No probs From someone who has a MIL like this, please take it from me...you do need to be firm about where you stand from early on. Otherwise it gets worse and worse! Mine has now been semi trained but still butts in in the middle of me disciplining my child for example, I am saying - No don't do that, it's naughty and she is butting in with don;t do that etc etc GRRRR

  13. #13

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    thats one thing im afraid of her butting in when im trying to discipline him? and i no i would be much better of close to my family but im to scared to leave i love my partner and im really afraid that if i moved he would feel obliged to move and then later on resent me for making him move? i just dont no what to do cause he plans on taking over the family business in a couple of years, so to me that pretty much means that if i had any thoughts of us moving to my home town to be a family just got thrown out the window. so im trying sooo hard to make the best of my life here in brisbane as much as it sucks at least i have my man still.

  14. #14

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    Hi,

    Have you told you dp how you feel? Where were you when you got together? And where abouts in Brisbane are you?

  15. #15

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    Hun your not alone...you know where i am.

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