thread: When the man is ready for children but the woman is not...

  1. #1
    Registered User

    Jan 2011
    2,075

    When the man is ready for children but the woman is not...

    This isn't about me really...but...

    We are the first couple in our group of friends to start a family.
    We were catching up with said friends and us girls were discussing who would be the next couple etc. ALL the girls were like "not me! Dh would love to but I'm not ready/sure/want". The guys then piped up and said they'd be happy to be the stay at home parents, which the girls laughed at.



    Am I odd in the fact I wanted to have children early? Am I old fashioned or am I missing something?
    I understand everyone is different and circumstance play a part etc but I just had never thought of the possibility a woman would be delaying a guys plans for a family?

  2. #2
    Registered User
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    Jul 2008
    a slice of paridise, victoria
    2,680

    im not sure your age but nope.
    i was 19, and newly married when i had my frist and 21 and 3months when i had my second. most people didnt want kids. now the guys are kinda talking about it but the girls are like "no it'll reck my body" n all that. i think each person knows when their 'time' is as such. but i always wanted kids young.

  3. #3
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    Sep 2007
    travelling
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    I'm just having a guess, but I'd say that your girl friends may already know a few people who've had babies younger? If they've already seen it close up, they may've seen what it involves. Some people are ready for all that, others aren't.

    Men can be pretty blind to what having a baby really is like. Sure they can stay home & do all the cooking & cleaning etc, but they don't have to carry the baby for 9 months first. It sounds shallow, but they on't have to risk 'ruining' their bodies with stretch marks/birth etc etc.

    Its not that horrible, & its not all roses. Some women do choose to wait simply for selfish reasons like their bodies, or their party nights. It can be that simple.

    If I'd been better prepared, I'd have waited at least a little bit longer. I was 17/18. I'd have had a few nights out & been selfish for a bit longer.

    Like I said, everyone is different. These things matter to some, but not to others

  4. #4
    Registered User

    Oct 2009
    Bonbeach, Melbourne
    7,177

    No, I don't really see it as a male or female thing. You're not weird, but neither are the guys who want a family either, I just see it as a personal preference. I don't know if it's the way we've been raised or something, but I know a lot of girls my age who have no maternal instinct at all at this point, who don't really care one way or the other about kids, whereas their male counterparts already have the number of kids they'll have picked out. I think it's great.

  5. #5
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    Feb 2007
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    When DH and I were younger he was always the one wanting kids and I was the one wanting to put it off. I don't think there are any rules about which gender is ready earlier. The minute I felt I was ready DH was so excited and already had names picked out. BTW he did end up being the SAHD from when DS was 12 months (or earlier) to pretty recently - just before DS started school.

  6. #6
    Registered User

    Jan 2008
    Brisbane
    5,039

    I don't think it's odd. I also think its great that people know they don't want kids yet. I think too many people have kids before they are ready.

    It is sad when couples aren't on the same page tho

    I think it's lovely you have started early

  7. #7
    Registered User

    Mar 2007
    6,900

    IKWYM. I am the first of my friends by far to get married and have kids. I feel like I'm old fashioned. I always wanted to be a SAHM but atm they are all focused on their career. I feel like there are a lot more people my age doing what they're doing rather than having kids. And I'm not even that young anymore! They all seem to be on the same page with their partner though.

  8. #8
    Administrator
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    Jun 2003
    Ubiquity
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    I was the first of my friends too and I was 20 when I became pregnant with my first. And I had some pretty weird things said to me. It's normal. You aren't weird at all.

  9. #9
    Registered User

    Mar 2009
    2,269

    It is interesting. Personally, I wasn't ready and had it been more of a choice, I would have waited and might never have had children. I had my first at 21 (single parent) and my second at 24. I only met my now DP at 23 though, I think I would have liked to have had time as just a couple and think about children closer to 30 (never could have happened though as we have always had my beautiful DD1 and in the end, I'm glad we rustled up a sister for her quick smart lol). I love my girls and there are heaps of benefits to being young, I'm glad it all sort of worked out this way.

    I also think in some cases it can be easier for a male to want children because they don't have to go through the physical changes. I don't just mean pregnancy and birth either, my DP is already talking about the next but the thought of extending my breastfeeding another few years (been 3yrs so far and my baby probably has another couple to go so adding another few onto that) is a little terrifying to me! I'd love another baby in theory but the memories of all that entails is a little too fresh still. It can also be easy to say things like they would be happy to be the stay at home parent if it isn't a reality they will ever have to face. I can't say whether any of that is relevant for the couples you mentioned though.

    It can be hard when couples don't agree, leaving one party to wait for the other but I also think it pays to make sure both are into it from the get go. Parenting is hard enough without feeling like you're doing it for someone else and not yourself. Children are a big commitment, lifelong and I think people are wise to wait until they have that urge because there is no going back.

    Different strokes and all that. Nothing abnormal with having children young, nothing abnormal with waiting. You only get one life, have to live it for yourself and not what anyone else thinks you should or should not be doing. I can't remember having any comments about my age though even being the first of my friends.

  10. #10
    Registered User

    Apr 2009
    Epping, VIC
    2,546

    I was the first out of my friendship group too.
    I was 24 when I got married and 25 when I had DD.
    A good friend had her baby 3 months after me.
    My DH is 5 years older than me, and was ready for marriage and kids on the first date!

    I don't think there is any right or wrong way, just different priorities and feelings.

    Some of my male friends are approaching 30, and are still doing the same type of thing we were doing at 18.
    They literally have not changed (or grown up) at all.

  11. #11
    Registered User

    Oct 2007
    Middle Victoria
    8,924

    You are not odd, and neither am i ! but i certainly wasn't ready for kids when i was in my teens or early 20's. At this time, i also can't see me continuing to procreate in my late 30's or 40's, but can understand how that is the best time for other women.

  12. #12
    Registered User

    Nov 2011
    Perth
    1,090

    You're not weird or old fashioned at all! Everyone has different priorities in life. There are pro's and con's with having children younger or older.

    I've always wanted to be younger mum. I think the pro's outweigh the cons. My mum is 42, she is fitter than me and we have a fantastic relationship because there really is not much of a generational gap. We do so much together because she is able. A lot of my friends mum's are in their 60's, and while they're close, it's different. They don't do the things I'm able to do with my mum. They don't relate because they're from a very conservative generation. I want to be able to do things with my kids. My dad is 53, I'm closer to him than my mum probably (just our personalities I guess), so definitely not older but still a got a bit on my mum, but he's fit and he'll be able to go down to the park and kick the footy with his grandchildren. DH's parents are 54 & 50, the kids are 32, 30 and 28. So we both grew up similar so were on the same page. Also, DH is 30 and we do not want to leave it any later! We use my parents as a guide, as my dad was 30 when I was born and 36 when the youngest was born.

    If you wait until you're 35/40, and your kids wait till they're 35/40, you're going to be a pretty frail boring grandma! (general 'you' btw). I guess I have a lot of focus on grandparents as I never had any around growing up and I'd love that for my children.

    As for other younger girls who prefer to party and wait to have kids, good on them for being honest! At least they're not having kids, dumping them with grandparents and partying. The men should respect that, especially if they're around the same age. If they were pushing 30 like my DH I'd understand the desire. Most couples I know it's the man wanting children. It's not weird at all but I do believe there is a bit of naivity involved.

  13. #13
    Registered User

    Apr 2006
    Perth
    4,203

    I don't think young or old is weird or abnormal. A lot of the time its circumstances. A lot of older mums (ie me) aren't in a position to have children earlier. I didn't meet my DH until I was 35. I was ready for kids earlier but the men in and out of my life either weren't the right ones or there were other things working against me/us, so it all happened much later for me.

    Younger women might have a career that they have spent years studying for and only just begun, and want to pursue before taking time out for children. The good old thought that as far as women go you're born, go to school, get married to a 'good' boy from a 'good' family and have kids is thankfully a dead and buried belief for most. If you want a career you should definitely pursue it. Hey, even if you want to be selfish as some have called it and spent your 20s partying then you should do that too. Having said that, if you're young and you and your other half want kids now then go for it. What is right is going to be different for all of us, but nothing could be worse than having a child before you're ready just to fit in with either some social norm or with your partner's wishes.

  14. #14
    2012 BellyBelly RAK Recipient.
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    Feb 2010
    Under the rock
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    i was the 1st from school era friends to have a kid, but 5th person/couple to get married, i think that is an anomaly with my friends tho cos people are always shocked that so many of us are married. there is one other couple my age with a DS a few weeks younger than our DS. most people i know, married or not, DH's age or mine are still going out like they have just turned 18. i think it depends a lot of the particular sub-culture you are raised in, as well as your parents experiences and views but it does vary from person to person as well. as lady neon said, good on the girls who are saying heck no to kids atm rather than doing what other people want from them.