Argh...

[fatgirlslim]

AF came today.

F*** F*** F***. I don't know why I even bother being positive or trying to convince myself that "this could be the month!" I just set myself up for total and utter devastation.

How does life go on??? Seriously??? I feel so desperately alone right now - EVERYONE around me is pregnant, or has just had a baby - and I am literally going insane! I don't know if I can even take this anymore!

I just spent 2 hours on the floor of my shower bawling my eyes out uncontrollably after I saw a picture on F****** facebook of a friend of mine - who accidentally got knocked up whilst travelling overseas - cuddling her little, beautiful, perfect baby boy.

We've been TTC since January 2006 - no success at all - now know DH has 2-4% morphology - so will most likely have most success with ICSI. We've had the pre-appointments - but I am so, so, so scared of actually going through with it... the money... the fear of it not being successful... the fear of wondering how the hell I will cope with the shots and hormones.... and I don't even want to dare think about how I'll cope emotionally with a BFN... or if it just doesn't stick...

How do you learn to cope? How do you learn to deal with your emotions? How do you SURVIVE?!?!?!

L x

[misskate]

:hugs: i dont have anything to add but i just wanted to support you.... it must be a tough time and trying to get answers to those questions.... im sorry that you have to go through this

[Wantababy]

Hi Dear,

I know what you are feeling and a big hug to you. Even we have been trying from 2006, everyone around me fell preg or are currently preg and i was just standing by their side seeing them cuddling thier babies or talking about how good it feel to be pampered being pregnant and so on.

this year in April we decided to start with IVF, financially we were not sound we just had enough for 1 cycle, but we kept praying and started the process in June. as things does not go according to our plan, i sufferred with hyperstimulation symdrome where i ended in the hospital for 10 days in HDU unit...and they had to cancel the ET for that cycle.
i kept crying as to being young , chances of hyperstimulation was next to nil but maybe God had another plans. out of 24 eggs only 4 could make it(so we were completely lost and as normal person i felt i was the cause).

1st FET - i was very positive, took lot of care with the embreyo quality been close to A quality, we had negative, and again i cried from morning till i went to sleep that day.
so next cycle we decided not to tell any of our friends what we were doing and after the transfer i did all my normal activities, i lifted a heavy box, i usuallly go for a hr walk on weekends, and i rememberer i kept thinking how to proceed with next IVF, as we have to save money and we cant do it immediately....my TWW was just planning and i completely forgot about the embreyos in me... and by Gods grace we got our +ve, but from last 3 weeks i am on complete bed rest as i was close to MC...

hang in there girl and try to think something other, i know its difficult as this was the first month i did not think about getting positive but planning for months ahead and was planning for holiday(visiting India), and here comes our miracle baby having its own plans.

[farmgirl77]

you survive because you have too, and because you can despite all the tears, grief and sadness. You survive because there is always a small flicker of hope, no matter how hard it gets, that you will one day hold your baby, and all the injections, $$, mood swings etc will be worth it.

You have the strenght to do this.

FG

[fatgirlslim]

Ohhh... thanks guys!

I had a bit of a meltdown the other night... but your messages made me cry - and reminded me that I am not alone...

I think that I might actually book in to see the counsellor @ Repromed - maybe it will help to vent at/to/with someone that's not my poor husband... I'd love to be able to come up with some 'tools' that help me stay in control during a meltdown

Feeling better at the moment... I know that one of my best friends is booked in to be induced in the next couple of days... trying to G myself up for that sms message... trying to hold myself together...

Thanks again!

L xx

[ZigZag]

We've been TTC since January 2006 - no success at all - now know DH has 2-4% morphology - so will most likely have most success with ICSI. We've had the pre-appointments - but I am so, so, so scared of actually going through with it... the money... the fear of it not being successful... the fear of wondering how the hell I will cope with the shots and hormones.... and I don't even want to dare think about how I'll cope emotionally with a BFN... or if it just doesn't stick...

Hi. I'm just starting out on this journey myself and have all the same fears you mention...still don't know if we'll go ahead with IVF/ICSI....DH has same 4% morphology and low results across the board. To add to it they've told us he is just about to run out of sperm and we haven't got a lot of time up our sleeve because he want from 15% to 4% within 5 months!!

Anyway, just wanted to send you and hope you find the support you need. I don't really know how I haven't lost the plot by now but basically I keep myself busy with loads of exercise, work and family life....I've been purposely open about our situation but as time goes on am finding that is more a hindrance than a help...funny that really. I did it because I thought it was better than bottling it up but now that we're much further down the track, people don't realise that some of the things they say are hurtful.

Should we make the decision to not go down the assisted fertility track and decide to stop with any further additions to our family, I struggle with how I will actually mentally and emotionally do that.

Anyway, hope your assisted fertility journey is a successful one. Will you be doing a cycle this year?

[murraycod]

Sweetheart I just want to let you know that youre not alone, and we will get through this together X
I too am just about to go through IVF with Repromed, in January, and am terrified of BFN. Each month it seems to get harder. I can't give you any advice on surviving, only can say that some days are just robotic and others a blurr for me too.
Hun we will do this, and we will succeed. Dunno how but we will X
Take care, and I will look out for your posts to see how you are going X

[fatgirlslim]

heya!

thanks so much for your kind words of support! i am doing ok! i even got that terrible "blah and bah would like to announce the birth of blah..." message from my friend and was able to prevent a meltdown!

zigzag - not sure what i'm gonna do - might start a cycle this year? late december - but not 100% sure!! see how the finances go! the last update i read about the medicare rebate kinda indicates that i dont need to rush into it this year for fear of little/no rebate.

murraycod - we'll have to keep eachother strong (and SANE!)

L xx