How to support a friend going thru IVF....

[Bella29]

Thanks girls, I really appreciate all the advice

We spoke last night and she was trying to apologising for bursting into tears on me. I just told her it was completely understandable that she was devastated and I would be too, and tried to reassure her that the hormones she still had in her body must be completely outta wack and she shouldn't feel bad about feeling like ****. I do get that I can't possibly understand what she is going thru. That is why I am asking all of you. I have told her I know I won't understand but I just want to help in anyway that I can.

I do think there is a tendency in me to want to make it better for her, but that too seems somehow selfish of me. I know she just needs to be sad at the moment and be free to grieve. I have been touching bases with her relatively regularly every week or two, just don't want to be the pregnant friend who can't give her space... So mostly I send txt that way she can ignore me when she needs too.

She is such a lovely girl that she has been really happy for my pregnancy and supportive. Even tho I am sure that there are times she just wants to punch me for being pregnant and not her, I know I used to feel that way sometimes when I wasn't even ttcing because I wished I was in a place in my life where I could..... Ahh it is just hard sometimes isn't it.

Well I guess I will just keep plodding on as best I can and trying to be as supportive as I can and hope she forgives me if I say the wrong thing.

xx Bella

[Maruschke]

I would say to be there as a friend but not to give advice. Remember that it truly does suck to be in the position your friend is in. I often get jealous / hurt by other pregnant women even when I am not pumped full of hormones for the next treatment cycle...

[OceanPrincess]

I think you are doing a great job. I'm going to steal a quote from another thread... Pumpkin Zulu wrote this in response to a question about being a "story topper", but I think you could apply it here too...

I learnt in my doula training about something very much like this. It is actually our natural response (and especially when we may feel uncomfortable/sad/awkward) is to try to relate to the story or situation with our own past experiences, ie "that happened to me/someone I know". Although it's our natural response, many people do find it annoying and sometimes hurtful. Relaying your own experiences as your sole response can also cause the person you're talking to to feel dismissed (like their experience isn't 'bad' enough or worth mentioning). It also stops any form of dialogue from continuing about that person (from my examples POV, the client) in a way which focuses on them and their story.

"My birth with my son was very hard."

"Oh, my friend had a terrible time giving birth too, x/y/z happened to her, but she's just had her second and it was a completely different experience."

See how, even though what the friend said was not necessarily that negative, they related with a story instead of focusing on her friend, and how that has changed the direction of the conversation...maybe then Friend A would ask how the next birth was different, say how nice that is for her etc.

"My birth with my son was very hard."

"What happened? What are your feelings about the birth?"

This way, the conversation is directly about Friend A and her thoughts about the birth. Those were my own examples, and I know it works slightly differently in a doula/woman combo rather than a friend/friend combo. I do find myself relating to people this way sometimes still (A: "I just got back from overseas." Me: "My friend just got back from overseas, they went to Spain, apparently it's beautiful.") but I try to balance my responses out...so maybe relaying an experience and then asking how they feel about theirs. I feel for real life interactions that is the best approach

I guess the reason I wanted to share this with you was that I often do this to try and relate... whereas often people just want you to listen. So let her talk to you, unload, dump stuff on you, and just listen to her.

Which it sounds like you're already doing

I think you're a great friend.

[Bella29]

Ocean princess, thanks for that. It is a timely reminder. I do think I do that sometimes. I am sure we all do, but I know right now she needs it to be about her, when we are talking about her and there is enough space in our friendship for when it is my turn to talk about where I am at to just do that too. So thanks I will try to be mindful and use that technique. Communication is so important, and I don't want to screw this up.

[OceanPrincess]

Again, it sounds like you are doing a great job.

Can I story top? Hehe... I've got a friend going through IVF for #2... I had to employ this technique myself, I wasn't that close to her when she had #1 but this time we are closer, I texted her after her procedure to harvest the follicles to ask how it went and she rang me, so I then proceeded to bite my tongue and say only things like "Ok, what does that mean? How do you feel? What happens now? Are you ok? What are your thoughts on that?" for a good forty minutes or so.

It was hard... but she said at the end "Thanks for letting me ramble. I really appreciate your support." so I felt like I'd achieved my aim of being just a supportive friend!

Keep it up

[MummaSue]

I just want to add that there may be times when she DOESN'T feel like talking or want to talk to you. It's such a rollercoaster and being around pregnant people can be really really hard - because they often just can't relate to the situation. Just let her go with that and don't take it personally. She'll come around.

You sound like an awesome friend though, very considerate of her feelings

It's a sucky situation for you both xx

[Keta]

I just wanted to say that your friend is very lucky. I know for me the most valuable thing has been when I told a friend recently what I was going through and she said 'I have no idea how you feel' and then just let me vent. The thing I find hardest is when people try to make me feel better as then I feel guilty for making them feel uncomfortable. I hope your friends dream of a baby comes true very soon.