Hi,
I haven't been on the forums much but have read posts from others over the last 13 months of doing IVF. I live in a remote area with no-one else nearby doing IVF, so it is reassuring to hear from other people, and I appreciate it. I'm also single, so it can get overwhelming sometimes.

Although I have only been on IVF for a short time by lots of the accounts on here, I am starting to wonder how long I can live like this. It's sending me a bit crazy. I'm 34, with very low ovarian reserve and blocked fallopian tubes, doing IVF with donor sperm, and I have had 3 (high dosage) ICSI rounds which failed - though the last one was a chemical pregnancy so it kind of felt like progress after 2 negatives and a cancelled FET. I started IVf because I knew I really wanted kids and I took the AMH test at 32, to find out if there might be any future problems, assuming there wouldn't be. It was a shock to hear after the test, 'If you want to have kids EVER you need to start now, and even now may be too late'. Not enough time to hang around and look for a partner, so I just got on with it. Anyway I have embarked on IVF as a single, and throwing everything at it, and kind of desperately committed and motivated.

But it's been a tough year and the toughest is turning out to be how to forward plan, especially when the negative thoughts start to kick in. It's like you have to freeze your life because changing one thing might affect your capacity to drop everything every 8 weeks, take time off work and spend all your savings on another IVF round. Each round of IVF I feel like I've not only bought a lottery ticket (similar odds) but that, instead of paying $2 for it, I'm spending thousands on the ticket, still with as low a chance of success! I feel like a crazy woman. Also, because I live remote I need to fly to Melbourne and take 10 days off work each round, so it's tricky in lots of ways. I like where I live, and have a good job and support, but I could move if I had to. It's just a worry that I would uproot myself at a time I need to be relaxed...

Anyway, what do other people think about forward planning with IVF? Does having your life on hold drive everyone nuts? I'd consider changing jobs, move to the city, I'd like to buy a house, I'd like to meet more people or start a relationship, I'd like to do lots of things but anything that involves potentially taking a pay-cut (I'm paid well because of working remote), or even being unemployed for a few months just feels not possible while I'm doing IVF. But then who knows how long I'll be on IVF for?? Do I stay in a holding pattern for 2,3,4,5 years, because having a family is the most important thing in my life? But what IVF doesn't work after all that? What do I have to show for the last few years, and what will I be left with if I don't keep my career/ relationships healthy? I wish I knew - like when you study - 'This is hard now, but in 2 years it'll be done and you'll have a certificate! [or equivalent]'

I imagine waking up in 5 years in the same freeze framed life, still trying for a baby and saying 'Where the hell did my life go?'
I know I should be being positive and assuming I'll have a child in 5 years time, but gee it's hard to keep telling yourself that. Well I find it hard anyway, lately.

Thanks for any comments, it's good to hear other people's thoughts.