Not pregnant blues, any advice?

[Maggie]

Hi Guys,
My husband and I asked friends over on Saturday. On the phone my friend said 'oh, by the way, did you know that I'm pregnant?'. I didn't know. She and her partner don't live together and last I'd heard my friend was debating whether or not to renew her own lease or move in with her boyfriend. She told me on the phone that it was 'an accident'. I instantly regretted my invite. She knew what my husband and I were going through and to hear that she was pregnant without even trying or necessarily wanting it really hurt.
I struggled through the evening but loved DH when upon greeting them that night, he said 'Congratulations! We hate you of course but congratulations!' It was said as a joke but I was glad that he spoke some of our hurt and I'm sorry to say it- resentment.

I probably won't be going out of my way to spend too much time with them now. Not because they aren't great people, they are, but because it's extra hurt I don't need right now.

Given what we're going through I think we're all entitled to that.

Maggie

[dreamrise659]

Hi Everyone,

Maggie I could so relate to your comments about your friend falling pregnant by accident and the resentment (I think it's great that your husband made the joke... do you think they understood it?

Hi Guys,
My husband and I asked friends over on Saturday. On the phone my friend said 'oh, by the way, did you know that I'm pregnant?'. I didn't know. She and her partner don't live together and last I'd heard my friend was debating whether or not to renew her own lease or move in with her boyfriend. She told me on the phone that it was 'an accident'. I instantly regretted my invite. She knew what my husband and I were going through and to hear that she was pregnant without even trying or necessarily wanting it really hurt.
I struggled through the evening but loved DH when upon greeting them that night, he said 'Congratulations! We hate you of course but congratulations!' It was said as a joke but I was glad that he spoke some of our hurt and I'm sorry to say it- resentment.

I probably won't be going out of my way to spend too much time with them now. Not because they aren't great people, they are, but because it's extra hurt I don't need right now.

Given what we're going through I think we're all entitled to that.

Maggie

My ex girlfriend got pregnant on her first attempt with that donor (but she had tried once with another donor and once through a clinic). For me it felt like it has been easy for her (and I paid all costs associated with the 2 private donor inseminations - travel, hotels etc.) For her successful attempt we actually made it into a family holiday (our donor lives in NSW and we are in Victoria) and took time off work to have 10 days away so by the time we got home she only had a few days of her 2 ww left. It meant that she was able to completely relax during that time and I think this was part of the reason it was successful. When I started attempting AI with the same donor I couldn't afford to take much time off work and never got to turn it into a holiday. I was stressed the whole time as it was always a last minute rush to get to Sydney for insemination and I do believe this effected my chance of success. As a result I have found it difficult not to be resentful of her and her son.
She is now talking about trying for number 2 in September/October. I have been honest with her and told her that I don't think I will cope with seeing her much if she did get pregnant again and I still hadn't had success in my own journey. I acknowledged it sounds selfish but I am just being honest about how I feel... I am already struggling with feelings of resentment towards her and if she had another child easily it would just compound them.
It is hard isn't it... we want to be "good supportive friends" but sometimes it's not possible.
I concieved my 13yr old daughter by accident and I realise that some people might resent me for that. I was 22 when I got pregnant. She is the best thing to ever happen to me and I am eternally grateful for her. I think I have always been acutely aware of how lucky I was to concieve her and I assumed it would be just as easy when I decided to try for another... how wrong I was. I kept all her baby stuff because I always knew I wanted another child and I can't believe someone's friend asked for their baby stuff because you won't be needing it! Until you are completely comfortable giving up that dream don't give anything away because giving that stuff away is a way of giving up your dream.
Years ago, before I had started my TTC journey but was thinking about my options, I was friends with a woman who had been going through IVF for years. I shared her hope, her tears, her resentment of other staff getting pregnant easily - like one woman who had a 9 month old and announced she was going to start trying for number 2 that month and then the following month announced she was pregnant again! Completely insensitive to what others might be going through.
Just a few weeks ago I had to evict a housemate because she hadn't paid her rent for a month. She then told me she couldn't move her furniture because she was pregnant. She had told me she was lesbian when she first moved in so I was confused since she had never said she was trying and she knew that I was going through IVF. Anyway I said "I didn't know you were trying?" and she said "I wasn't" - so obviously she's not a lesbian at all (maybe bisexual). That hurt so bad because it felt so unfair that this irresponsible woman who smokes and drinks and can't even pay her rent to keep a roof over her head, could get pregnant like that... it seems unfair because I wonder how she will be a good mother.
I know I will provide a great life for my child (as I have for my 13 yr old daughter) and I don't understand why it is so hard for some of us who would be good parents and so easy for some who won't be good parents.

Lori
DD 13
Started donor search Dec 06, Started donor insemination Jan 09, Started IVF Feb 10 - 1st IVF -BFN and no frosties

[Maggie]

Hugs to you Dreamrise- I'm starting to realise that there's little that's fair in life.

[worrywart]

Hi Dreamrise, Thanks so much for sharing your story. Whoa. There is a lot of unfairness in that. I think it is totally fair enough for you to keep your distance too. I am bit confused, I mean, isn't he your son too? I mean, if the two of you had him together, even though it was she who had the pregnancy. I imagine it just didn't work out that way?
I'm sorry to hear it, and wishing you all the best of luck for your own pregnancy to come (fingers crossed),
WW
ps Sometimes I think it's like a job application and some of us have to have a CV as long as your arm, with several degrees, and some others just get ushered through the door as though they are boss's daughter. It's bl**dy unfair.

[dreamrise659]

Worry Wort,

I like your analogy to a job application... maybe my former housemate "knows someone who knows someone"!

In answer to your question:

I am bit confused, I mean, isn't he your son too? I mean, if the two of you had him together, even though it was she who had the pregnancy. I imagine it just didn't work out that way?

My ex and I had both started our own seperate TTC journeys before we met. Once we got together I put mine on hold until after she was pregnant (I started trying when she was 6 months pregnant). We had alot of problems in our relationship so by the time her son was actually concieved things were on the way out. Before she concieved him we had discussed the fact that she was going to do this on her own if she had never met me, so her journey wasn't about us and our relationship it was about her and her desire to have a child. I supported her throughout - went to the medical appointments and antinatal classes etc but I always felt more like I was being a supportive friend rather than a partner or parent of the unborn child. (we had ceased being intimate a couple of months before he was concieved - so I guess if we were a straight couple who didn't need AI he would never have been concieved anyway). When he was born I secretly hoped I would somehow bond with him but I was also scared of bonding in case we split up and she took off with him (as legally it's not always clear cut with same sex couples about child access etc and I know a few women who have been denied contact with their non biological child). Since our relationship hadn't been good for a while I felt the chance of us splitting up was fairly high and I needed to protect myself emotionally. I still helped take care of him and also looked after him when she was in class or had appointments etc but to me he never felt like my son... he felt like the son of a best friend who was a single mum and who I was helping out. We finally split up when he was 9 months old. To start with I babysat him 3 times a week and saw him around 3 times a week with his mum (so saw him just about every day). Even though I didn't feel like his "parent" I still felt a connection to him and when she threatened to move 300km away and take him away from me I was heart broken. We spent alot of time, alot of tears and a lot of work patching up our friendship but I guess after that threat I have been even more reluctant to allow myself to get close to him. She claims that she still thinks of me as his other parent (though at various stages of her pregnancy and his life so far her actions have shown otherwise and those are the things I struggle to get over). Nowdays I only see him about twice a week with his mum and babysit him once a week for a couple of hours. I find it very hard to label or define my relationship with him... because I don't feel like an equal parent with her but I also feel like I am more than just a family friend or an aunty etc. And I struggle at times because there are things I would do so differently if he was my child (like even the way she organised his 1st birthday party etc - just put the invite on facebook and didn't go to anything like as much effort as I had planned to or as I did for my daughter when she turned 1 - and do every year for her birthday) but I feel like I can't say anything because it's not my place to do so. I also struggle with his behaviour and the way she handles it. If he was my son I would be letting him know that screaming the minute he doesn't get his own way is not going to mean I will bow down to him... but she gives in and he has developed quite a temper and already throws amazing temper tantrums (at only 15 months of age). There are so many parenting decisions that she has made that I don't agree with but since my role is so unclear I don't feel like I can even discuss these with her.
So in answer to your question - in Victoria now 2 mums can both have their names put on a birth certificate (as of the 1st of Jan this year) and Qld just changed their laws to allow this as well and NSW and ACT changed theirs earlier. So legally I could be considered his mother now if she wanted to have me added to his birth certificate... but since we split up 6 months ago that will never happen, and I wouldn't want it to either as I feel like it would be making a mockery of those laws since I have never felt like his parent and I have friends who are very much equal mothers to their children and I think these laws are made to recognise people like them.

Sorry for the long winded answer.

Lori
Started donor search Dec 06, Started donor insemination Jan 09, Started IVF Feb 10 - 1st stim cycle - chem preg and no frosties