I feel so sad....

[mystit_2000]

This is my first post and really don't know where to start. I guess what this is all about is my concern of losing my partner and disappointing my children again. There is so much to say but can't say it all but I'll try and put it very briefly.
I have just recently had a baby girl with my partner, Gemma is 6mths old and so loved by all of us. I have also 3 children from a previous relationship. Since my pregnancy with Gemma, life with my partner has gone on a down-ward spiral. My partner wasn't very supportive in any way of my pregnancy or hormonal times, or to show his loving. He would say that he loved me yet somehow made me feel guilty and responsible for any upset i may of had or if anything had gone wrong. Admittedly, I'm not perfect and have made some mistakes, usually my mouth shoots off before I think, but I don't think I'm that bad. We had a parting for 3 months whilst we moved states from Vic to Tas and during that time I suffered terrible anxiety and depressive attacks. I was left to pack the house up at 8mths pregnant, pack the F-truck with our belongings and drive the truck with 2 kids, 2 cats and 2 dogs to our new premises. All in all I handled this ok and was extremely excited to see my partner. It only took 1 day after arriving before things started going back to normal - made to feel guilty about everything! After working so hard for many years and leaving work to have a child after 12 years, staying at home full time with my baby it has come as a real life shock to me. I feel that I have lost my identity, my self worth and self esteem and my partner hasn't made things any easier to support me in overcoming the way I feel. I love my baby so very much but need to just work out how to gain a bit of independence again.
Approximately a week ago my partner took some holidays for a few weeks and we decided to spend a day away fishing. This was going good,but I couldn't fish where my partner was as our little baby was unsettled. I wasn't fased by this at all. I called my partner to let him know that I was going to drive to the community toilets (I was busting to go pee) just so he wouldn't be concerned that the vehicle disappeared. He just layed out abuse to me by saying 'can't a bloke fish in peace without you telling me about your toileting habbits' etc etc. Also told me that I always 'tag' along (after we arranged to go together). I was so so sad by this as it ended up so horribly with his abuse again. I kept how I felt to myself to avoid any arguements.
We planned to go away again for 4 days the weekend just gone, just my partner, myself and our little baby. I was so looking forward to it, but unfortunately things didn't go the way it should of. We bought alcohol (as you do) and I chose a bottle of whiskey (which I never usually buy or drink). I drank 3/4 of the bottle and become extremely intoxicated. I have hardly every in my life been so drunk like this. I can't recall anything that I said, but he states that I was so very abbusive and horrible. I feel so sorry for this knowing that it hasn't made things any easier between us and am so terribly sad that we are on the verge of ending our relationship. No matter how much I express how sorry I am, it just seems to be making things worse. I think that I may of abused him because of the way I had been feeling before. I'm so so sad about this situation as all I have ever wanted was a happy family, happy relationship with my partner, respect and love. It looks as though it just isn't meant to be. I don't know what to do to make things right and don't know how to even think about starting again alone with my children.: Has anyone been through this hell before?(