Sorry Kitty I got nothing more for you....Im just trying to give something back to what yourve asked.
Yourve gotta be willing to help yourself and take onboard that yep...**** has hit the fan and now how am I going to fix it if I think it needs fixing. Stop looking for excuses, yourve asked for a bit of guidance and all we can do is try and give you what you asked for
Doesnt matter if DH is doing things differently..makes no difference..your kids will know the rules you have if you are consistant yourself.
What do I know I must just be a hard arses ***** of a mother
start sorting that crud sister and your gonna feel so much better.
can you escape out for even 10 mins by yourself, even if its just for a walk to get some head space for yourself???
Dot ask DH to look after the kids, tell him! YOu need to do something chick other wise your gonna fall in a big hole...and im telling ya its blood hard getting out
Oh wow that is tuff love talking but c'mon we really cant pre judge the women we dont live in her house and we dont live with her husband or her children.... HOWEVER i do think these children soemtimes take some mums for granted and the mums forget that they dont have to do it ALL !!
Im in agreeance with the homework you cant spend all the time on one child as your are not bionic women ok and this child just may need an extension ?? As with the food stuff get some diet happening that the whole family can eat .....
Put the babys in prams cots etc etc and try to say NO to any other demands the kids put on you ...does that make sense ?
Dinner as i stated start it at 4 30 if need be and at least feed the younger two this they are done ok
Homework you will need to sort somesort of roster as you cant spend 6-7 hrs (what time does he go to bed?)
Bed time : again set bedtime times and stick to them
All this is is for you to get your time ok
Dont worry im over being pregnant and i cant even cope with a ds 10 and my 28mth old right this minute
Ahh Kitty, it's not easy and you are being awfully hard on yourself and seemed to bearing the load for the whole household.
When the kids get up in the morning, do they make their own beds?
So, you have 3 in School? While they are at school, get a dinner ready during the day for the family.
When the kids come home, get them to do some of the chores, washing dishes whatever they can manage, even if it's just putting the cutlery away.
At 5pm let the little ones have their dinner including DS5 and get the older ones to help out while you get the bath ready and feed Chakotay (he could have had dinner with the little ones and only need a BF to get him to sleep). If you can get your little ones in bed by 7pm, job is half done. Get your DH to sort out DS9 and DS5. Even if the communication lines are down between you and your DH he still has to pull his wait with the kids.
That leaves you quite a bit of time to help DD12 with this project.
If this doesn't suit, let your DH take all the kids for an hour and try and work out something that is going to make things a little easier than they are.
Preparing ahead has always worked for me, and a strict routine.
No-one expects you to be a super mum..do they really exist LOL!
I suppose you could look at it this way, try and get the kids a routine that works around you rather than you have a routine that works around them.
Tonight is Friday...I loooove Friday! I don't cook, kids have a cold plate (takes 5mins to throw it on a plate). Meals can be easy and nutritional. I let the kids watch a movie till bed, no stories, teeth and bed. Friday is what I consider to be my night off.
Think of yourself, you are very important to your family, never doubt that.
bubno 3 - im not judging Kitty at all...im simply just giving her a reply to what she has asked.
She's asking for help and Im just giving my opinion.
Sorry for talking 3rd person Kitty, Im not trying to be mean or horrible to you and im sorry that is how my post's sound.
I know were you are right now..you are me 4 months ago. Its horrible and I just wished someone was there to pull me off my butt and snap me out of it!
I had a total change in me and my family are better for it. Bottom line, I had to change and better ME for my family to benefit.
Sorry if my tacktick's **** anyone off..I say it how I feel it too
My little 28 mth old is going off tapp at the moment .... being 38 wks pregnant isnt helping my mood either so i do apologise if my reply post are at all *****y ok xx
Squidipa, you sound so overwhelmed. If it's any consolation, I had periods of my parenting like that when I only had TWO kids to look after!
I'm probably in an easier position because my eldest one at home is nineteen and so is quite reliable in many ways. Even so, your 12, 9 and 5 year olds are more than old enough to be doing more to help get things sorted. I'm not sure what things you could use to get them on board... we've got a real culture in our home of everybody pitching in together.
It might be easier if I go over our household routine. I think a routine *is* important. Kids are much more amenable if things are predictable, and if they are eating that late they can't possibly be getting enough sleep. I say that not to make you feel bad, but just as an extra aid to understanding maybe that things aren't the way they are because they're *hopeless* and they could turn around quite quickly if you make some simple changes.
Our routine is: 7am, everyone is out of bed (although dh and I take turns getting up at 6 to go to the gym or go for a run), and having breakfast together. When I have my first toilet stop, I wipe down the vanity and the loo with antibacterial wipes and empty the bathroom bin if necessary.
While the kids are finishing breakfast, dh or me will make their lunches (and I'll make mine too - I work four days a week).
7.30am, they all go and make their beds and get their uniforms on. I'm usually putting my makeup then, and Tom usually sits on my bed and empties my makeup case everywhere. Then dh takes him to daycare (which is just next door). I head out to work, and dh takes the others to school. When he gets back, he fills the dishwasher.
He cooks dinner most nights as I don't get home til 6.30pm. We do menu planning, so he knows what needs to be cooked and the food is all there ready to cook it.
5pm the kids are all expected to help tidy up the house and mind Tom while dh cooks dinner.
6.30pm we eat dinner, then after dinner, we all stay in the kitchen and tidy it up. That way it only takes twenty minutes. Because we've had a meal together chatting and laughing, it's not a chore to hang around and wash up together.
Then it's bathtime and homework time, and we sort of share all that around. It means after 7.30pm, when the little ones are in bed, we can really focus on spending time with the older kids, helping with homework, etc.
In the evenings I will often do some housework, just half an hour's worth to keep on top of stuff. Friday is my day off so I go made cleaning up then whilst the kids are at school, with Tom "helping".
Dh and me do the shopping on a Saturday morning, after planning our menus. Saturday is then my leisure day with the kids. (Dh works weekends.)
We started out having complicated chore lists and charts and things, but it never worked for us. We just deal day to day with what needs to be done, and me and dh rely on each other a lot. We try to model helpful and respectful behaviour to one another, and I really think it has paid off with the kids. I also try really hard to not shout - because when I raise the temperature in the house, everyone gets a fever, it feels like! I resent that sometimes, but it is what it is.
Like you, I sometimes find it even more stressful to try to make special time just for me. I've learned to take special time in small ways in mundane places - sitting on the tram, a doctor's waiting room, even sitting on the loo!
Also, dh and I never get time on our own and we find it very difficult to keep the whole romantic thing going. We've taken to having Friday mornings together to have breakfast when the older kids are at school. Tom is still with us of course, but in the more hectic weeks where we are ships in the night, it really helps to reconnect at that time.
I think our secret (mine and dh's) is that we both recognise we're in this together, that what one of us does affects the other, and there'll be ebb and flow times when one will have to carry more than the other, and vice versa. We've consciously worked on that.
I haven't read the longer replies here on the second page, its getting late but wanted to reply before I headed to bed.
It can be really overwhelming when you feel like things are out of control. I really feel for you. I have had similar issues before mostly with my oldest who is 8 & also lack of routine.
A few things I would like to suggest are firstly.. have you had DS 2 (sorry trying to keep track is it the 9yr old or the 5 yr old?) who freaks out about not having the right cup etc assessed for anything like Autism/ aspergus, or maybe even anxiety? Have a bit of a google & see if you think it may apply & if so get some help ASAP.
Next, yes try really hard to get a better routine in place. Get DH on board & ASK for help. One of my big problems was I would harbour resentment because things I couldn't get too where not getting done but then I realised I never actually asked anyone to do it. It seemed crazy that I should need to ask but really my DH is just a bit oblivious to the things like washing on the line that needs to come in but I am not home till it gets dark that evening as I am taking kids to karate for example. So I would fume on the fact he came home to am empty house & sat on the computer till we got home. But now I just leave a note if there is something I need done before I get home.
My routine sucks & is a working progress I am struggling to get my kids into some sort of routine of jobs they can help with. I get the ****s at the lack of effort & just do it myself as its "easier" but really I am not doing them any good by doing this but finding it hard to break the habit.
Also, you & DH need to work on what ever the issues are you have. It sounds like an unhealthy amount of fighting between you two is happening Maybe you could try writing it all down & asking DH to do the same & have a read of what you both have to say but only under the strict understanding that it doesn't start a fight. Seek some marriage counselling if you really feel you need some outside help.
One ting I did recently was a triple P course. Its a positive parenting thing. It was amazed at how much I think it has helped, just by watching a DVD. I have a copy of it on my hard drive & if I can get it to burn on to a disk or USB I am happy to send you a copy. One of the things that really stood out for me was what they call parent traps. have a read http://www.triplep.net/cicms/assets/...00gr5so127.pdf another useful page to have a look at is this one http://www.triplep.net/cicms/assets/...00gr5so183.pdf I know it all seems like simple common sense stuff but be honest with yourself when you read it & just ask yourself, Do you really do all of what it suggests? I think i am a good parent & I can honestly say that I hung my head in shame for a fair bit of what I read/watched while doing this.
Here is a link to the main page Triple P - For Parents
But overall, don't beat yourself up. Please don't get angry at your kids. If you stop yelling, they will stop yelling too. remember that you & DH are a team & it sounds like maybe you doing a fair amount of the work here. I understand that our hubbys work & are tired when they get home but its a team effort & with out that help then things just don't work they way they should.
Another thing, take a step back & look at each of your kids. How old are they? do you think your expectations are too high for their ages? This was something I was doing, I was expecting way too much from my oldest. He is a mature young boy but really he is only 8. So sure he may act like a 16 yr old at times with his tantrums & fighting etc but he is only 8, He is a child. I needed to take a step back to realise that. I have gone from having a child who fought with me constantly every day. Physically fighting me. To a having a child who is more "normal" & even asks for a kiss & a hug each night before he goes to sleep! The triple P thing hasn't fixed every thing like magic but it sure as hell has improved things greatly & really its not about disciplining your children with harsh rules and consequences. its more about looking at yourself & the way you say & do things. One of the good ones that I found applied to me was Being more descriptive in your instructions. the example is a little girl jumping on her bed. Mum walks past the bedroom & says "Stop being so silly" and walks away. Girl keeps jumping on her bed. Mum comes back & goes off because girl is still jumping on the bed. But the thing is the girl is all of 7 maybe. Sure she may know that Mum means don't jump on the bed but she never actually said that. So what is suggested is that Mum next time says ' *name* Please stop jumping on the bed, it is not safe. How about you jump outside on the trampoline" (or other alternative)
The point being that kids need clear instructions. You point forms & remind them. Please put away your clothes could be Could you put away your socks & undies. When you have done that, could you put away your school clothes too. KWIM?
Let me know if you would like a copy of the DVD & I will try & get it off to you. Send me a PM if you like.
Hugs, stay strong & just remember to breath. Don't try & fix everything at once it will take time.
But while I am here.... Do you think You or DH could maybe sleep in another room now & then. If his snoring & sleep issues are keeping you awake inbetween waking for bub, maybe now & then you or he could sleep in another room? Even if its at the end of another kids bed? DH will sometimes go sleep in one of the kids beds if Iain is being a pest all night. Just a thought?
Last edited by *Efjay*; October 8th, 2010 at 10:31 PM.
I have five kids like you Kitty and kinda the same ages.
I hear ya on the DS2 behaviour. Mine is just truely horrendous some days, BUT I let it be known that, "I am the boss of my household buddy you WILL play by my rules or you will lose!!!"
He has days where he spends alot of it in time out. If he is being destructive put him in the toilet. Take everything out and leave him there. Or strap him into a highchair in the middle of the floor.
You need to be hard on him and consistent. It will get worse before it gets better but you have been through this stage with your other kids so you know you can do it.
Your DH, im sorry but he sounds pretty bloody hopeless so I would give up wasting time trying to get him to help more or to change and just focus on what YOU can change at the moment.
DD's homework, sounds to me like you are taking over a bit there. They are given homework that they can do (with minimal parent help if needed) on their own. Your DD's teachers obviously think she is capable so why are you spending 6-7 hours helping???? If she cant do it then maybe you need to speak to her teachers.
I menu plan and have 6 weeks worth of menus that I rotate so I know in advance what I A) need to buy and B) what I need to take out the night before to prepare.
It did take me a little while to sort it out but I simply made up a list of all the meals we eat then I spread them all out over 6 weeks.
Its not in stone so if I forget or cant be bothered then noodles it is, no biggie.
When the kids are at school it only takes me half and hour to an hour sometimes depending on what we have to prepare the meat and veges and have it all ready to chuck on at 4.30pm. Do you have a slowcooker? It has been my sanity saver on many occasions.
If not the kids will not die if they have eggs, spaghetti, baked beans or soup and toast for a week just while you get on top of everything. No reason why older kids cant help prepare this either.
Its all about organizing yourself and it sounds like you dont time manage very well. Im sure Chakotay does sleep at times and yes in a perfect world (or house) we would have a sleep too but with five kids its not always possible.
The kids arent always home requiring you to be the referee so what are you doing with your time when they are at school and daycare? I understand Chakotay is demanding alot of your attention too but he has to learn as well that he has to occupy himself if Mum is busy.
Sorry if I have come across a bit harsh hun but I am one of those that know how fast things can fall apart if I dont stay on top of it. DH calls me anal sometimes because I have my ways that things have to be done but I know it works so thats the way it will stay
Stop making excuses and start with baby steps. Include the kids, time them and make cleaning up a race and fun. It is not impossible you can do it.
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I must just be a hard arses ***** of a mother
Maybe you could try writing it all down & asking DH to do the same & have a read of what you both have to say but only under the strict understanding that it doesn't start a fight. Seek some marriage counselling if you really feel you need some outside help.
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