Squidipa, you sound so overwhelmed. If it's any consolation, I had periods of my parenting like that when I only had TWO kids to look after!

I'm probably in an easier position because my eldest one at home is nineteen and so is quite reliable in many ways. Even so, your 12, 9 and 5 year olds are more than old enough to be doing more to help get things sorted. I'm not sure what things you could use to get them on board... we've got a real culture in our home of everybody pitching in together.

It might be easier if I go over our household routine. I think a routine *is* important. Kids are much more amenable if things are predictable, and if they are eating that late they can't possibly be getting enough sleep. I say that not to make you feel bad, but just as an extra aid to understanding maybe that things aren't the way they are because they're *hopeless* and they could turn around quite quickly if you make some simple changes.

Our routine is: 7am, everyone is out of bed (although dh and I take turns getting up at 6 to go to the gym or go for a run), and having breakfast together. When I have my first toilet stop, I wipe down the vanity and the loo with antibacterial wipes and empty the bathroom bin if necessary.
While the kids are finishing breakfast, dh or me will make their lunches (and I'll make mine too - I work four days a week).
7.30am, they all go and make their beds and get their uniforms on. I'm usually putting my makeup then, and Tom usually sits on my bed and empties my makeup case everywhere. Then dh takes him to daycare (which is just next door). I head out to work, and dh takes the others to school. When he gets back, he fills the dishwasher.
He cooks dinner most nights as I don't get home til 6.30pm. We do menu planning, so he knows what needs to be cooked and the food is all there ready to cook it.
5pm the kids are all expected to help tidy up the house and mind Tom while dh cooks dinner.
6.30pm we eat dinner, then after dinner, we all stay in the kitchen and tidy it up. That way it only takes twenty minutes. Because we've had a meal together chatting and laughing, it's not a chore to hang around and wash up together.
Then it's bathtime and homework time, and we sort of share all that around. It means after 7.30pm, when the little ones are in bed, we can really focus on spending time with the older kids, helping with homework, etc.
In the evenings I will often do some housework, just half an hour's worth to keep on top of stuff. Friday is my day off so I go made cleaning up then whilst the kids are at school, with Tom "helping".
Dh and me do the shopping on a Saturday morning, after planning our menus. Saturday is then my leisure day with the kids. (Dh works weekends.)

We started out having complicated chore lists and charts and things, but it never worked for us. We just deal day to day with what needs to be done, and me and dh rely on each other a lot. We try to model helpful and respectful behaviour to one another, and I really think it has paid off with the kids. I also try really hard to not shout - because when I raise the temperature in the house, everyone gets a fever, it feels like! I resent that sometimes, but it is what it is.

Like you, I sometimes find it even more stressful to try to make special time just for me. I've learned to take special time in small ways in mundane places - sitting on the tram, a doctor's waiting room, even sitting on the loo!

Also, dh and I never get time on our own and we find it very difficult to keep the whole romantic thing going. We've taken to having Friday mornings together to have breakfast when the older kids are at school. Tom is still with us of course, but in the more hectic weeks where we are ships in the night, it really helps to reconnect at that time.

I think our secret (mine and dh's) is that we both recognise we're in this together, that what one of us does affects the other, and there'll be ebb and flow times when one will have to carry more than the other, and vice versa. We've consciously worked on that.