Hun, I'm a little bit confused, are you actually considering going to your brother's house? From what you have just said if it is going to cause trauma for you then don't go. Have you ever talked to your brother about how you feel about him?
but i have so few friends
most couldnt take how exhausted i always was from overwork and raising a bunch of kids on my own while being dragged by my ex through court for years or through his dramas
so its nice to go out and i feel obligated
but truly i shouldnt even consider it as it does traumatise me
i need peace time peace and time as much as possible
i dont need more obligations expecially ones taht really really upset me so so much.
i tried for years to talk to him , it was like talking to a wall or worse
every counsellor i went to heard about my pain of having a brother and yet suffering so much alone. it would have been less painful to not have a brother than to have one who didnt show any care or understanding
what was worse is he likes to be seen as special in his community and i would hear form other sole parents who he helped them so much when they came to live here from elsewhere?!
my kids hate him too becaus eof his extreme lavishness yet selfishness and the extent we suffered, with kids and my health suffering so much to the extent of needing huge amount of care, cousnelling medication and hospitalisation from so much trauma for years, and yet his kids biggest problem was which peice of jewellery will they choose on their overseas trip
we want him to have a good life
but the lack of care while we suffered so much and he lived so closeby just truly adds so much salt to our wounds and has done for decades.
Only you can decide how you are going to feel about seeing him. It seems you've already made the decision that you are going to feel awful, so I don't know what the point is if you know you're going to choose to feel this way.
However, it's up to you whether you let these decades of misery with him last even longer. You may choose to forgive it and then it's up to you to forget it. If this just isn't possible then you have your answer above. If it is, then you'll be showing an example to your kids who may just be able to enjoy his hospitality in the here and now, even if it wasn't available previously.
i hear you and we could wish it was so but the reality is the same
i've done it before
and it left me each time such a mess for days after
i remember hearing a specialist in trauma say ' priority number one is dont retraumatise'
enjoying his hospitality is one way of seeing it
but the reality is that its not at all experienced that way by us
its a bit like mary antoinette saying if they dont have food let them eat cake
he is so unaware , blind and wanting to be blind to what we go through
we dont feel his joy that his child has come back from overseas when we are going through much more basic pain and he has not shown any care or given releif to us when we have and do still suffer so much for basics.
we just feel pain that he is so out of touch with what we have and are going through and just totally overlooks it all as if its not there.
with someone else maybe we could go and enjoy hospitality
or maybe not, we are overworked, tired, and burdened with the struggle for basics and for whats gone one because of what we go through. in the last 12 months alone we have gone through so much. we need to be around kind compassionate understanding people not people who love to show off how fabulous their life is and have show no care or understanding for us no matter what we are going through. a couple of years ago he had such theories about kids having all their needs taken care of so that they can think of higher things, but did he help us at all with his theories no. My son was so sick at the time and he put on alot of weight from the medication and needed twice to buy entire new clothes , underwear, singlets, paints, tops, school uniform, church clothes, twice twice i had to buy bigger sizes in a small space of time and there were so many other expenses and trauma connected with all this, and i begged my brothe rfor help and he didnt help at all. this is just one of so many needs along the years that pains me so much, - me and my children being for years so traumatised and so sick from not enough funds and the stress it caused on our health together with other traumas, and he just dances his life away with no though to what we go through. for basics.
but visiting h him its so full of emotions and pain not just of past we are still suffering now struggling to keep a food over our head and basics going and dealing with so much we have been through even this year and he is just so so blind to it all and so selfish.
we need comfort on our level and not to be told to come and celebrate with him when we are exhausted and suffering.
it reminds me a bit of a story i once hear of a very rich brother who came to a family wedding in all his splendor leaving another sibling to come to the wedding in their shame and povery and the parents werent happy that one brother could be so blind to the need of the others and the parents did not enjoy the splendor he came to the wedding with, as he didnt assit the brother to come in a reasonable way aswell.
we have tried again and again to go and not feel all the upset, and it has never ever worked. we are never as great a mess as we are after going there as the trauma for us is so huge of what we go through alone without support while he lives it up very nearby showing no compassion care understanding throught or relief for us.
Last edited by sue1386; January 23rd, 2010 at 01:29 PM.
If its leaving you in such a mess, don't go. If you want to someone to tell you what to do, then all you need to read is this: don't go. Make up an excuse if you like, but you can simply say, thanks but no thanks.
It is very hard and your feelings are very legitimate, but why would you keep going to people who don't care about you? I'm sorry, family may be family, but sometimes in name only. Like a previous poster said, it seems you've already made up your mind about how you're going to feel so why make it so hard for yourself.
So you've answered your own question then. If you can't choose to be any other way you are going to be miserable, so why do that to yourself. You can't make him do anything (particularly not in the past), it's only your reactions to what he does that you can choose. It seems you have made that choice, so don't go for both of your sakes.
he doesnt suffer when we go there. he has no clue what we go through and how it trumatises us to be around him.
it is a lovely theory that we choose how we will feel
but with trauma what others dont understand is that there is a whole set of other thigns that happen with the triggering of cortisol and traumatic memories that peole dont often understand. i remember once a psychologist said she wanted me to fill otu a form about ptsd and i could tick every one except one.
I guess every time this comes up i wish it was differnt but the practise shows taht no matter how much i try to have other emotions and keep reactions distant it is nto the way it happens.
i had a relative who was a very positive happy strong person and yet i was surprised by instant tears that would flow when certain memories were triggered. people dont understand the effect of cortisol and trauma.
i need peace time peace and time as much as possible
This is only a suggestion but have you tried to forgive your brother, holding resentment and hurt in your heart is only causing you more pain. I'm not saying you should go to your brothers house as obviously that will cause you trauma but if you want to find peace for yourself you need to forgive him and let go of the resentment you hold towards him. It is obviously not a healthy situation to be in but holding on to the past can cause trauma in itself.
i constnatly work with forgiveness, and trying to give reasons excuses understanding for why perhaps he is the way he is or simply acceptance.
we can live in the present and deal with what we have to deal with
but when we go to his home we cant its just too much trauma from decades and currently is triggered.
forgiveness doesnt mean we can forget or stop the reactions of trauma that it triggers. the less i think about it the better i am. going to his place just retriggeres all the trauma and then we are not able to live in the present and feel some peace and focus on what we need to .
do you have tangible descriptions of what forgiveness means to you and how you think that then this could make the trauma we feel around my brother less?
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