Its such a big change for her with a new baby there, i would be reluctant to force separation at this point. I think having the baby in with you for a while and the 6 yo on the same level is a good solution for the moment, and look at moving her upstairs on her own when the dust has settled a bit. Could you have both of them upstairs and you guys downstairs? This might be a bit more appealing to her, knowing she is not upstairs on her own and its a bit of a novelty?
Can you have the baby in your room with your DH and the 6 yr old in the other room close? that seems to be the best solution she has her own room (ie, independance) and your have your DH back in you room...
I have to agree with your DH, I wouldnt leave a 6yr old (my dd1 is nearly 5) upstairs by herself at all for the same reason. I dont want to create anxiety within my child, I would prefer her to feel safe and comfy in her own home. But thats just me.
As your baby gets older the sleeping arrangements will change again, and maybe in 2 years time the 6yr old will like having a room upstairs by herself, but I think shes a bit young yet. I can see its hard that half the rooms are upstairs and half are downstairs.
ETA - re staying up late, I think its late, I would never be happy with staying up that late, when my dd1 stays at my mums she does go to bed maybe 1-2 hour later thats it, anymore I would be saying I dont think its right. Also it is time that you have with your DH.
Last edited by *Belle*; February 17th, 2011 at 07:44 PM.
Would you be ok with the kids sharing a room? I know that my eldest girl loves sharing a room with her sister - then you and DH can have your room and the 2 girls right next door.
Yeah I think sharing is awonderful idea, I have 6 kids and they all have to share with somebody. the youngest is 8 weeks and soon he will have to share with his brother.
I also wanted to say that you and dh need to be united on your approach to prenting his dd...it sounds like you feel she is getting between you and you sound upset by that. Why can't you and dh have an agreed bedtime and ritual? If she needs him in the night- fine he can go to her, but at least you start the night with her in her own bed and you and dh with some time together. Six is very young still, and she will be dependent on daddy...but it's ok to have some basic rules around bed such as the time she goes to sleep and who comforts her etc.
Forcing independence is forced detatchment. Children need to feel safe and secure to thrive.
I have to say I agree with some of the PP. "Upstairs" can feel a long way away for a six year old. My own eight year old wouldn't like it. The other thing is as a child of seperated parents she does have some "special needs" around feeling secure. Not sure how long ago your DH and her biological mum seperated - or the circumstances around it - but it is a big thing for a little one to go through. Not only that but if she is at your place at least three nights a week that may be increasing her feelings of insecurity (sorry, I am not someone who believes shared care works very well for children - especially young ones). Then, to top all this off, she has a new sibling to contend with or, more precisely, daddy has a new little baby - one who gets to stay with him all the time. I imagine the poor little thing feels very displaced. Even if she is not outwardly jealous, she will no doubt be a little upset about yet another big change in her life.
Maybe try seeing things from her point of view.
Also, I worry a little bit about your comment - "She has taken time away from OUR reletionship on the nights she stays". That's not a healthy way to look at it. He is her father. You are his partner. She is not your competition. She sees him three nights a week. You see him seven. You are an adult. She is a child. Sorry to be so blunt but a parent/child relationship is forever and I think you should be very, very thankful that he is such a caring, doting father. A lot here on BB would give their right arm for a man so engaged in their children's lives.
That said, I know it's hard. I have been on both sides of this fence. I was the wicked stepmother for nine years (I no longer get to see the little boys I brought up), and now my DD has her own wicked stepmother. Except, in DD's case, her SM really is wicked. It kills me having to pick up the pieces each fortnight when she comes home from a contact visit upset at some petty act of jealousy, vindictiveness and insecurity her SM has subjected her to.
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