I have to say I agree with some of the PP. "Upstairs" can feel a long way away for a six year old. My own eight year old wouldn't like it. The other thing is as a child of seperated parents she does have some "special needs" around feeling secure. Not sure how long ago your DH and her biological mum seperated - or the circumstances around it - but it is a big thing for a little one to go through. Not only that but if she is at your place at least three nights a week that may be increasing her feelings of insecurity (sorry, I am not someone who believes shared care works very well for children - especially young ones). Then, to top all this off, she has a new sibling to contend with or, more precisely, daddy has a new little baby - one who gets to stay with him all the time. I imagine the poor little thing feels very displaced. Even if she is not outwardly jealous, she will no doubt be a little upset about yet another big change in her life.
Maybe try seeing things from her point of view.
Also, I worry a little bit about your comment - "She has taken time away from OUR reletionship on the nights she stays". That's not a healthy way to look at it. He is her father. You are his partner. She is not your competition. She sees him three nights a week. You see him seven. You are an adult. She is a child. Sorry to be so blunt but a parent/child relationship is forever and I think you should be very, very thankful that he is such a caring, doting father. A lot here on BB would give their right arm for a man so engaged in their children's lives.
That said, I know it's hard. I have been on both sides of this fence. I was the wicked stepmother for nine years (I no longer get to see the little boys I brought up), and now my DD has her own wicked stepmother. Except, in DD's case, her SM really is wicked. It kills me having to pick up the pieces each fortnight when she comes home from a contact visit upset at some petty act of jealousy, vindictiveness and insecurity her SM has subjected her to.
I have thought about rooming in but 6 yo just cant seem to be quiet even when asked and baby has reflux so is a bit of a handful. In time yes, they could hopefully because it would be nice.
Our house is small and the rooms upstairs are very close to lounge and kitchen therefore would disturb the baby easily and we dont want to be tiptoeing around so much in our free time.
Nothingto lose -6 yo was born with her parents separated so dosnt know any different. yeah, you dont have to worry - Im not in competition with her - but that she takes away time from her father and myself IS TRUE - if it wasnt so consistent - every single time - I could deal with it just fine. But she is high maintenance - she cant be independant - always needs to have us around to watch her etc.
I actually disagree a bit with your comment about it being unhealthy - I believe that a family unit with 2 parents together should be nurtured, especially with the divorce separatiion rate being as it is. We have been together a long time and I cherish him and our time together - Yes I am lucky to see him 7 nights a week, have him to myself 3-4 nights, but that doesnt mean quality time, you know what I mean? Weekends are so busy, his job is very demanding of his time and energy etc. Its hard! I think the 6 yo should be in bed by 9 to give us an hour of time together to reconnect - and I say thats healthy. Im not taking away anything from thier own relationship - he is a great dad and we are all thankful for that - parent child relationship is forever, yes, but around 20 they move on with thier own lives remember, I am still hoping to have him by my side and am trying to ensure our relationship is not affected for years to come by this situation - which im sure will sort itself out in the end - just would REALLY like to know when that end is!!!
Thankyou for your point of view though.
I am seeing a theme in everyones responses - looking like Im the one who has to suck it up. And I still have a problem with it...therapy!!!
Delara,
Sorry, my post didnt mention that I agree with you that a six year old should be in bed by 8pm on a school night. And I also think it is really important that couples have alone time. But remember, six years old is still very young, and just because her parents seperated before she was born, doesnt mean she isnt mourning the fact she doesnt live with her dad - particularly if many of her friends live with their dads. It is a point of difference that she will become more keenly aware of as she gets older.
For me the issue seems to be more that you guys are not a united front. It seems to me that your partner is feeling guilty and trying to compensate to his daughter for the new baby. As difficult as it is going to be there needs to be some changes - setting limits (including bedtime) trust me she will thank her dad for it later. Kids really don't want to feel different - they need to be included in the family.
hip mummy - this has been going on way before our newborn came along. It was actually worse, when she was 2-3 I slept on the couch so he could sleep with her in the "big bed" - our bed. I did that for a year! sheesh! Great point on kids not wanting to feel different - which is what goes through my thoughts alot especially with the new bub - I just want to treat them both the same, with a little bit more special attention for 6 yo due to fact she doesnt see her dad for half the week - but that said - im afraid admitting there is like a "flaw" with her life (by giving her special treatment - in the form of priveledges and treats etc) would only make the situation worse because she could someday realise shes being compensated for - She actually has a huge extended family who adore her to bits - I dont think she is too hard done by when it comes to love and affection - only because she doesnt see dad every day which is not to be sneezed at at all....This is a hard situation...
nothing 2 lose - good point on being aware of the difference between her and her sibling - we think about that alot - as above - where do you draw the line and find a happy balance between spoiling and giving special privldges to soothe the differences.
That said, 6 yo has a great life in the way of lots of family and always doing something different with mum or dad and thier extended families. Our newborn wont have that kind of experiences.
delara, I just wanted to say that I think that your points are valid (I don't think you should suck it up) and that your DP needs to see that continuing in this way will only make his DD more "different". I know that 6 is still young so being close to her dad (on the same floor) is probably still a good thing, but the independent sleeping is something that needs to be started soon. Maybe DP needs to let go a bit too?
I might add that I don't have any kids myself, but that's just my thoughts.
Delara I think you have some very valid points. We have shared care of my DH's three eldest children and it can be quite tricky at times to find a happy balance for everyone. Have you sat down with your DH and had a 'proper' discussion about all this? I found that the few times DH and I encountered differences of opinion re the steppies that writing him a letter pointing out how I felt was much more effective than a discussion that can tend to get emotional. I think because my DH feels guilty about not being able to see his kids everyday that he sometimes (especially in the earlier days) felt he was making up for it my being the 'fun' parent, when really kids thrive on stability and 'routine'. I think a set bedtime is really important - we notice if we even let the kids stay up half an hour later that they are irritable the next day! For now, I think the best solution is having your baby sleep in your room and DSD sleeps in the room next to you. Can your DH lie with her in her room until she falls to sleep as a kind of transition?
Good luck, this step-parenting business can be tricky!
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks