Yeah I think sharing is awonderful idea, I have 6 kids and they all have to share with somebody. the youngest is 8 weeks and soon he will have to share with his brother.
I also wanted to say that you and dh need to be united on your approach to prenting his dd...it sounds like you feel she is getting between you and you sound upset by that. Why can't you and dh have an agreed bedtime and ritual? If she needs him in the night- fine he can go to her, but at least you start the night with her in her own bed and you and dh with some time together. Six is very young still, and she will be dependent on daddy...but it's ok to have some basic rules around bed such as the time she goes to sleep and who comforts her etc.
Forcing independence is forced detatchment. Children need to feel safe and secure to thrive.
I have to say I agree with some of the PP. "Upstairs" can feel a long way away for a six year old. My own eight year old wouldn't like it. The other thing is as a child of seperated parents she does have some "special needs" around feeling secure. Not sure how long ago your DH and her biological mum seperated - or the circumstances around it - but it is a big thing for a little one to go through. Not only that but if she is at your place at least three nights a week that may be increasing her feelings of insecurity (sorry, I am not someone who believes shared care works very well for children - especially young ones). Then, to top all this off, she has a new sibling to contend with or, more precisely, daddy has a new little baby - one who gets to stay with him all the time. I imagine the poor little thing feels very displaced. Even if she is not outwardly jealous, she will no doubt be a little upset about yet another big change in her life.
Maybe try seeing things from her point of view.
Also, I worry a little bit about your comment - "She has taken time away from OUR reletionship on the nights she stays". That's not a healthy way to look at it. He is her father. You are his partner. She is not your competition. She sees him three nights a week. You see him seven. You are an adult. She is a child. Sorry to be so blunt but a parent/child relationship is forever and I think you should be very, very thankful that he is such a caring, doting father. A lot here on BB would give their right arm for a man so engaged in their children's lives.
That said, I know it's hard. I have been on both sides of this fence. I was the wicked stepmother for nine years (I no longer get to see the little boys I brought up), and now my DD has her own wicked stepmother. Except, in DD's case, her SM really is wicked. It kills me having to pick up the pieces each fortnight when she comes home from a contact visit upset at some petty act of jealousy, vindictiveness and insecurity her SM has subjected her to.
I have thought about rooming in but 6 yo just cant seem to be quiet even when asked and baby has reflux so is a bit of a handful. In time yes, they could hopefully because it would be nice.
Our house is small and the rooms upstairs are very close to lounge and kitchen therefore would disturb the baby easily and we dont want to be tiptoeing around so much in our free time.
Nothingto lose -6 yo was born with her parents separated so dosnt know any different. yeah, you dont have to worry - Im not in competition with her - but that she takes away time from her father and myself IS TRUE - if it wasnt so consistent - every single time - I could deal with it just fine. But she is high maintenance - she cant be independant - always needs to have us around to watch her etc.
I actually disagree a bit with your comment about it being unhealthy - I believe that a family unit with 2 parents together should be nurtured, especially with the divorce separatiion rate being as it is. We have been together a long time and I cherish him and our time together - Yes I am lucky to see him 7 nights a week, have him to myself 3-4 nights, but that doesnt mean quality time, you know what I mean? Weekends are so busy, his job is very demanding of his time and energy etc. Its hard! I think the 6 yo should be in bed by 9 to give us an hour of time together to reconnect - and I say thats healthy. Im not taking away anything from thier own relationship - he is a great dad and we are all thankful for that - parent child relationship is forever, yes, but around 20 they move on with thier own lives remember, I am still hoping to have him by my side and am trying to ensure our relationship is not affected for years to come by this situation - which im sure will sort itself out in the end - just would REALLY like to know when that end is!!!
Thankyou for your point of view though.
I am seeing a theme in everyones responses - looking like Im the one who has to suck it up. And I still have a problem with it...therapy!!!
Delara,
Sorry, my post didnt mention that I agree with you that a six year old should be in bed by 8pm on a school night. And I also think it is really important that couples have alone time. But remember, six years old is still very young, and just because her parents seperated before she was born, doesnt mean she isnt mourning the fact she doesnt live with her dad - particularly if many of her friends live with their dads. It is a point of difference that she will become more keenly aware of as she gets older.
For me the issue seems to be more that you guys are not a united front. It seems to me that your partner is feeling guilty and trying to compensate to his daughter for the new baby. As difficult as it is going to be there needs to be some changes - setting limits (including bedtime) trust me she will thank her dad for it later. Kids really don't want to feel different - they need to be included in the family.
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