Telliing your child their father isnt their father

[Cocolove]

She doesnt remeber her bio dad I think was too young!

My mum has kept a photo of her bio dad for when the time came, which i guess is lucky, I can get a pic off FB though, we have 14 mutual friends considering we went to school together!

What do I tell her and what do i leave out, ill share a quick story you know where its all coning from

I met X in high school when I was 16 we got together and when I was 17 I fell pregnant with DD, X decided the baby wasnt his and refused to have anything to do with me, he orderd DNA testing which of course came back positive, he was in and out of her life until she was 14 months when I met DH and moved 4 hours away, I then got summoned to court and he had fortnightly supervised access this went on for 5 months when she 26 months old he decided with his uni & work he didnt have time to travel to see her so stood back and hasnt seen her since.
He now has another child, emily, shes 2 now do we tell DD1 about her sister? Hes now an architect in Melbourne and his GF is a Lawyer! (whom I hope isnt a BB member, if you are then im sorry & please speak up)

[skybie]

tell her ASAP!!!~ doesnt matter how, just do it.
i accidently foubd out on my own accord when i was 15 that who i thought was my dad actually wasnt and it took me a very long time to come to grips with it. i had no sense of identity for such a long time. i wish my mum had told me sooner

[Maruschke]

Have you discussed with DH how you are going to feel/react if DD decides later on in life she wants to get to know her bio dad? That has just come up in our family.

[kimmi]

I can not speak from experience, but maybe explain to her that's mum's an dad's come in all forms and they get to be parents in different ways, but the REAL meaning of Dad is your DH. The one who loves and cares for her, and will be there forever!

Maybe even explain to her that her and her dad's relationship is even MORE special because he CHOSE to be her dad, unlike someone who it just 'happens' to. And that how lucky she is, out of ALL the little girls in the world, she's the one he wanted to look after.

[HotI]

Todd Parr has a book about Families that might help open up the conversation- i think it goes something like "some families are big, some families are small....some families have two mums...... " and talks about different types of families

ETA It's called "The Family Book" by Todd Parr

[Cocolove]

Thanks guys!

Dh is petrified of loosing her he seems to think that she will hate him he literally almost gets himself in tears about it. I try so hard to reassure him and his comeback is "she is always gonna be your daughter no matter you cant change that & neither can she but Im not her dad biologically and she might not want to call me dad anymore"

We have different views on this I believe that she asks to contact her bio dad then we should do it & he is dead against it

[Maruschke]

Thanks guys!

Dh is petrified of loosing her he seems to think that she will hate him he literally almost gets himself in tears about it. I try so hard to reassure him and his comeback is "she is always gonna be your daughter no matter you cant change that & neither can she but Im not her dad biologically and she might not want to call me dad anymore"

We have different views on this I believe that she asks to contact her bio dad then we should do it & he is dead against it

The contact with bio dad issue is causing friction in my family at the moment . I personally think honesty and transparency is the right way to go.

My older sister wants to get to know her bio dad's family (not him, because he died) and I really really don't. My step dad doesn't want us to either. But it would be much easier on all of us if we were just left to decide what we wanted to do and freely do that with no fear of hurting others etc.

All I can suggest, from personal experience, is the earlier she is told the better, and likely the less interested she will be in hunting him down.

Hope it goes well for you .

[MissM]

Thanks guys!

Dh is petrified of loosing her he seems to think that she will hate him he literally almost gets himself in tears about it. I try so hard to reassure him and his comeback is "she is always gonna be your daughter no matter you cant change that & neither can she but Im not her dad biologically and she might not want to call me dad anymore"

We have different views on this I believe that she asks to contact her bio dad then we should do it & he is dead against it

What a hard situation for you all to be in. I really feel for your DH and perhaps he needs a little more time. Does it REALLY matter if she does not know? (just throwing questions out there) She has known no different all these years.

Have you thought about how your DD will be affected? How she WILL feel neglected from her bio donor (I say donor because your DH is her dad) for all these years - Questions like 'Why doesnt he want to know ME?' I knew from a young age i had a step father, stopped seeing my donor at 4, still have vague memories of him, your DD wouldnt though. During my teenage years, I often threw the whole 'I WANT TO LIVE WITH MY DAD!!!' in their face. Left home at 15, to 'try' to find my father, and they *couldnt* find him (I think he denied contact or whatever) But then I thought - Hmmm, I lived in the same house for 13 years, HE never made any attempt to come see me afterwards, why should I make contact with him? HE does not deserve MY time.

I personally think the bio donor has no RIGHT to your DD at all. HE ABANDONED HER!!! That is the cold hard truth. Whatever excuse he gave you was just that - an Excuse. He was not man enough to help you support your DD when you needed it.

I also think there is going to have to be a compromise on how you both tell her and when. If the 2 of you cannot agree on something, I would wait until you are both ready to face the reality of questions your DD is going to have and the emotional side, because she will feel all of the above emotions, anger, hurt, neglect, abandonment etc

I do like what Kimmi said about how your DH CHOSE to be HER dad.

Good Luck with everything.

[nickle730]

Both of my parents were previously married and my brother and sister were the product of my mum's first marriage. I am the product of my mum's second and my dad's third marriages (dad's now onto wife number four!). My mum and dad got together when my sister was one and my brother two years old. I was born a few years later.

We were never told that dad was not my brother and sister's biological father. When I was turning 14 I went hunting for my birthday presents (as you do!) and I found some official paperwork relating to changing my brother and sisters' surname. It wasn't too hard to put it all together (they look very alike and I look very different, they had always teased me that I was adopted!). I confronted my mum with what I knew a few days later. She was shocked and unprepared and initially denied that it was true. A couple of days later mum and dad sat us all down and told us the truth.

My brother had figured out the truth a few years earlier but had never said anything for fear of hurting dad. My sister was utterly shocked and found it very difficult to cope. Even now, almost 20 years late, my sister feels betrayed and abandoned. Betrayed that our dad had 'deceived' her and abandoned by her biological father (whom she has contacted by doesn't maintain a relationship with).

Having lived this situation and seen the effect it has had, particularly on my sister, my advice to you is to tell your DD now. Don't wait. You and your DH need to sit down together and answer all her questions honestly. Reassure her that her dad is still her dad and loves her just as much as if she carried her DNA. She needs to feel confident that her dad loves her as much as he loves his biological children. A dad is someone who raises a child, not someone who contributes some genes and walks away.

I would not tell her yet of her half sister unless she asks. It was one of the first questions my siblings and I wanted answered - are there more of us? But we were older and your DD may not ask yet. When she does ask, you must be honest. If she hasn't asked in the next few months I would find a time to tell her, it's important that she knows you have been honest and told her the whole truth.

Good luck. Oh, and for your DH - both my brother and sister consider my dad to be just as much their dad. He is the man who raised them, supported them and loved them. A family is a lot more than genetics.