Telliing your child their father isnt their father

[HotI]

Todd Parr has a book about Families that might help open up the conversation- i think it goes something like "some families are big, some families are small....some families have two mums...... " and talks about different types of families

ETA It's called "The Family Book" by Todd Parr

[Cocolove]

Thanks guys!

Dh is petrified of loosing her he seems to think that she will hate him he literally almost gets himself in tears about it. I try so hard to reassure him and his comeback is "she is always gonna be your daughter no matter you cant change that & neither can she but Im not her dad biologically and she might not want to call me dad anymore"

We have different views on this I believe that she asks to contact her bio dad then we should do it & he is dead against it

[Maruschke]

Thanks guys!

Dh is petrified of loosing her he seems to think that she will hate him he literally almost gets himself in tears about it. I try so hard to reassure him and his comeback is "she is always gonna be your daughter no matter you cant change that & neither can she but Im not her dad biologically and she might not want to call me dad anymore"

We have different views on this I believe that she asks to contact her bio dad then we should do it & he is dead against it

The contact with bio dad issue is causing friction in my family at the moment . I personally think honesty and transparency is the right way to go.

My older sister wants to get to know her bio dad's family (not him, because he died) and I really really don't. My step dad doesn't want us to either. But it would be much easier on all of us if we were just left to decide what we wanted to do and freely do that with no fear of hurting others etc.

All I can suggest, from personal experience, is the earlier she is told the better, and likely the less interested she will be in hunting him down.

Hope it goes well for you .

[~clover~]

Hi, I haven't read all the replies, but feel I need to add my experiences in.
FIL is not DH's real father. He & MIL got together when DH was 6, so he's always known, but our kids don't.
FIL will always be DH's dad. No question about it. We've met the donor once. Thats enough. We do try to keep in contact with his younger brother & sister from his dad, but its not really the same...

We have started to let onto DD1 since talking to the other 2 siblings. They know they have another aunt & uncle, dad has another sister who died (a few years ago now) & that nanny had a boyfriend before poppy & thats when dad was born.

One day it will click, but if it was possible, I'd never tell them. I know they need to know though.

[raffy]

i just wanted to add my bit lol

my dad is not my brothers dad, my mum fell pg at 17 and he stuck around for a little while but then they split and my mum met my dad when my brother was about 2 and moved from melbourne to perth, they told my brother at about 8 and told him he had the choice to contact his bio dad and to this day my brother hasnt wanted to. my mum has lost complete contact with him now so we have no idea where he is or if hes even alive anymore let alone if my bro has any other brothers or sister. my bro has always call my dad 'dad' and always will.

just a thought, would your dh want to legally adopt your dd. it got to a point where my bro was going to school and what not and even though he was using my dads last name his birth certificate said a different story so just to make it official when my bro was about 13 my dad adopted him. it didnt change anything except his last name, but it also reassured my bro that my dad does and always will love and be there for my brother. any boy can make a baby but it takes a real man to raise one.

i hope this make sense
and i hope the talk goes well. Goodluck with it all

[tiggerandpooh]

I think it would be a really good idea to see the advice and guidance of a child pychologist... to help you, your DH and your DD. They would be able to help you find the right words and explanations, and tools to deal with any possibly fallout. It doesn't mean you have to take your DD - just you can seek some guidance. just a suggestion.

Good luck

[Cocolove]

It gets more complicated here..

X wouldnt sign the birth cirtificate for DD unless I used his last name, which i refused too, he wouldnt even let me hyphernate it, it was his name or nothing, soooo DH signed it, therfore his name is on her BC as her father! Yes our lawyer knows about this, so does child support they called and said i would have to change it if i wanted maintenance so I told them to tell him to stick his money!

[Tammie]

You have almost my exact situation!

I have never met my biological father (he left my mum soon after I was born) but my mum has been with my 'dad' since I was about 1. My dad has always treated me like his daughter, prob just like your dh does.

My parents hadn't told me but I found out when I was 9. I confronted my mum and was very angry at her for a long time - fir no other reason than she hadn't told me.

I had found out through my baby book and noticed I had a different last name to that which I had always used... It was a really hard way to learn the truth and I had a few emotional issues re it for a long time to come.

From my perspective I would encourage you both to tell her together. Make sure she feels loved and reassure her she is no different to any other kids you have together. I had asked my parents that we not tell my brothers and sisters - they are obviously all younger than me and as we were young I was scared they would think of me differently if they knew I wasn't their actual sister. they obviously all found out as they were old enough to understand.

I'm not sure that this has helped but I would strongly encourage you to tell her before she finds out herself. It will be so much easier coming from you.

xx.

[MissM]

Thanks guys!

Dh is petrified of loosing her he seems to think that she will hate him he literally almost gets himself in tears about it. I try so hard to reassure him and his comeback is "she is always gonna be your daughter no matter you cant change that & neither can she but Im not her dad biologically and she might not want to call me dad anymore"

We have different views on this I believe that she asks to contact her bio dad then we should do it & he is dead against it

What a hard situation for you all to be in. I really feel for your DH and perhaps he needs a little more time. Does it REALLY matter if she does not know? (just throwing questions out there) She has known no different all these years.

Have you thought about how your DD will be affected? How she WILL feel neglected from her bio donor (I say donor because your DH is her dad) for all these years - Questions like 'Why doesnt he want to know ME?' I knew from a young age i had a step father, stopped seeing my donor at 4, still have vague memories of him, your DD wouldnt though. During my teenage years, I often threw the whole 'I WANT TO LIVE WITH MY DAD!!!' in their face. Left home at 15, to 'try' to find my father, and they *couldnt* find him (I think he denied contact or whatever) But then I thought - Hmmm, I lived in the same house for 13 years, HE never made any attempt to come see me afterwards, why should I make contact with him? HE does not deserve MY time.

I personally think the bio donor has no RIGHT to your DD at all. HE ABANDONED HER!!! That is the cold hard truth. Whatever excuse he gave you was just that - an Excuse. He was not man enough to help you support your DD when you needed it.

I also think there is going to have to be a compromise on how you both tell her and when. If the 2 of you cannot agree on something, I would wait until you are both ready to face the reality of questions your DD is going to have and the emotional side, because she will feel all of the above emotions, anger, hurt, neglect, abandonment etc

I do like what Kimmi said about how your DH CHOSE to be HER dad.

Good Luck with everything.

[misty]

What a hard situation for you all to be in. I really feel for your DH and perhaps he needs a little more time. Does it REALLY matter if she does not know? (just throwing questions out there) She has known no different all these years.

Unfortunately the problem is that a secret like this cannot be kept in todays society. She will find out at some stage, the only thing that can possibly be controlled and make a difference to her reaction is when and how she finds out. If no-one sits her down and talks to her, she will find out in her own way and it won't be pretty. If not when she turns sixteen and wants a drivers liscence (which requires a birth certificate), then when she is a young adult and wants a passport. The longer it is left, the more it is going to hurt.


As much as I feel for your DH in this Raising Dancers, he is actually being very selffish about he's refusal to tell. He is more concerned about how this is going to affect him, and how she is going to react to him, then what is in her best interests. It is understandable he is getting wrapped up in his own problems, but he is going to have to face his fears at some point, and the longer it is left, the more likely his fears will actually become a reality, because she will start to 'blame' him for not telling her earlier.

I actually think given your DH's emotional state in regards to this, that perhaps it is best for you to talk to your DD alone about this. Explain that your DH always has been and always will be her dad, but that she was actually conceived by another man. Explain to her that her father (your DH) loves her very much and be honest that he is scared that she may see him differently or treat him differently, and that he is scared of loosing her now she knows the truth. And that the reason he is so scared is because he loves her sooo much and to him SHE is his daughter, no matter what.