I got a wedding invitation today....

[DoubleK]

gee, perhaps they did the invitations in a hurry, and didnt consider everything- name of invited guests (i would also assume kids were invited if you are paying your own way) how much you are expected to pay (some people are just not able to spare hundreds to pay for a meal) and what you are actually paying for, do you need to bring extra money for drinks.... how frustrating!! you need a checklist and then have to make a phone call!

[Asparagus and Lemons]

Wow, that is dodgey. They could at least go to a cheaper place so they could afford it. I have got 2 engagement invitations in the last few weeks and I find it very suprising that they are both BYO and the invitations were nothing to brag about either.
We put alot of thought into our invites and into our wedding and engagement. We saved up every last cent for it too. I think if your invited as a guest at a wedding, you should be treated like a guest, not a customer!
Also, I think all these people asking for money as gifts is a real joke. (IMO!) I prefer to buy a gift, to give money is just like asking to pay for part of the wedding. But thats just my opinion.

[Elocin]

How tacky...the wording I mean not the request.

But saying that...they don't want you to intrude on their ceremony - which is possibly the most important part, but they want you to contribute to the party....

I understand that weddings are expensive, but if you can't or don't want to afford it, why don't you just have something more low key instead of the whole fanfare?

I completely agree with what you have said Kim...

I found it totally bizarre that they don't want people there to celebrate the 'important' part of the day - their ceremony - but expect you to pay for your own meal at their reception. Odd...

I don't think it's strange that they have requested (read: TOLD) you pay for your own meal - that seems very normal these days, but I certainly think they could've used different wording!

At our wedding, there was no way we could afford a big sit down, 3 course meal - so it was either ask people to pay or go with the cheaper option... finger food at $15 per head... it was fantastic.

There are definitely ways around the expense of weddings but I don't think demanding your guests pay for their own meal sets a good light for the wedding day

[Glamourcide]

Okay, so I'm finding it more and more common for couples to *ask* that their guests pay for their reception dinner in lieu of gifts, but I have NEVER seen it worded so coldly, nor have I ever seen no further details (ie cost, how to go about paying etc) in the invitation.
My friend got married a couple of years ago and in the invite, there was a lovely poem about how she and her beloved had lived together for some time, had two kids and basically had all the material things they needed (ie, no gifts please) - so instead, it would be lovely if you could 'gift' them the $35pp to cover the reception dinner. They also provided details in the invitation, stating that this fee could be paid with a money order/similar upon RSVP (as it needed to be paid prior to the day, kwim?). It all made sense, it was cheap (DH and I would easily have spent at least $70 on a gift for them anyway, we considered it getting off lightly lol), easy to arrange, and the meal was simple but very nice... and best of all, it was worded tactfully and sensitively and therefore we were more than happy to follow along with it.
Just for the record, the happy couple also had a bar tab at the reception, it covered beer, house wines (there were four so plenty of choice), and a discount on spirits (ie if a rum & coke was $7, the tab covered half the price so guests only paid $4.50 per drink, kwim), so everyone was happy.

I don't disagree with the concept of paying for meals at the reception, but I do think the invite was very poorly worded and left far too much information out. And I'm a bit confused at the concept of a 'private' ceremony but having a reception... if DH and I had had more money, we would have invited all and sundry to our ceremony and then just had an intimate reception with only close friends and family... I'm not sure how it works, asking people to celebrate your wedding but not even invite them?!
Heh. But no, I don't think at all that you're strange for finding the wording rather insensitive, they could have done a much better job with it!

[2CheekyMonkeys]

i can understand the bit about private ceremony.. maybe it is at a registry office or soemthing really simple.

[saslia]

We had this at our wedding - it was 40 people in a small restaurant.

We had on the invitation something like in leui of gifts guests are asked to pay for their meal - 3 courses $30 each - Drinks will be provided.

[Dansta]

the way that was worded was plain RUDE!! sorry. i can understand how exxy a wedding can be. but IMO the ceremony is by far the most important part! its a little unfair to have one with out the other (but i love seeing brides walk down the ale) and its a little rude to a) have that in small print and b) where the heck is the prices if you're paying for your meal??
..or tinks are you hiding a money tree that none of us know about ...

[aussienic]

I think that is a fair request. I guess you can't put it any other way really. I would hope they are fair with meal prices.

I would ring and request a menu so you can have an idea of what costs are going to occur

[Daydream Believer]

I wouldnt have any problem paying for a meal instead of gifts however I would expect it to be worded nicer & costs on the invite as well.

[Heaven]

wtf? How tacky!!

Can you take a packed dinner instead??

[Traveller]

I think it is a fair request, if a bit rudely worded on the invitation. We had no free bar at our wedding and no-body seemed to mind this, although they got their meal paid for.

As for the reception only invite, tbh I am a little shocked that so many people seem to think this is out of order. It is commonplace in the UK to have a larger reception than wedding, although usually the wedding and meal are one thing, and then more people come for the evening dance. So to get a wedding reception invitation would raise no eyebrows. IMHO a wedding is a serious and solemn set of vows between two people in front of their closest supporters, which is then celebrated by all and sundry (if they choose).

I would call the bride and just ask about the meal, costs, etc. Also ask about the kids. If they were not mentioned on the invitation I don't think you can take it that they are invited.

[Tinks]

To be honest I'm not the least bit offended about the ceremony. I think having a small intimate ceremony would be lovely. I won't be taking the kids to the reception, it will cost me a fortune.

I just think they could have worded the pay for your own meals thing better. I found it very rude and tacky.

[all girls]

Very badly worded... Plus not allowed to go to the ceremony why didn't they just have finger food instead?

[Rivlas]

If it was me I would be ringing the restaurant and asking if they have a set price for this wedding and what is on the menu. Does this include drinks.
My mum went to a birthday dinner awhile back and it they were asked to pay for their meal after they had eaten. She was not impressed and thankfully had just enough cash on her.
I think invitations should have clear details if they want their guests to pay their own way. This should have who is invited, the costs involved and menu.

How many people have cash in their pockets these days and some places don't like you paying by card when the bill is split.

[Floweryfields]

While the request may be considered reasonable (still questionable), the way in which it's been worded is not very tactful or polite.

[Miss K]

We had a wedding where it was only family at the ceremony then close friends at the meal and had said on our invitations :

We have been together for a long time and we ask for no gifts or a wishing well all we ask is if you would like to celebrate with us for dinner at ----- "Dutch Treat" (Meaning pay for your own) We also sent out the menu with the invites so people knew how much they would need and if they could afford it!

The way your one is invited seems harsh but gets straight to the point we had no idea on what to say on ours

oh and btw my dad ended up paying for everyone anyways LOL

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I wouldn't be going!

Yes, for my wedding we had some people coming to the evening reception only - but they were still invited to the Church and we still had a buffet for everyone who came! Those invited to the meal came to the ceremony too. There's a difference between the evening do and the main event, but the main event is the ceremony, not just the meal really! (I had a lot of people who weren't coming to the wedding turn up outside the Church to congratulate me, which was really nice.)

I received a wedding invite which asked me to pay for the couple's honeymoon. I thought that was quite rude! Paying for your own FOOD! No. I just wouldn't. There's no menu or price list... that's really quite off. I'd rather have a cheap buffet at home than say "I want this restaurant, you pay for it, but I won't say how much - oh yes, and you're not coming to the main event either." (I dislike people asking for money at weddings anyway, but this goes a few steps worse IMO.)

This sounds really harsh and I mean no offense to those who, for whatever reason, have done this. It's nice to try and include as many people as possible in a wedding. But I'd rather have a huge ceremony than a huge party that was pay your own. The marriage is a public declaration of starting a new family, making public vows - why shut off those you love from that?

[rubibaby]

I agree...the wording is rude...