Pregnancy Annoucements and IVFers

[Pholi]

I know that if I had a failed cycle, the last thing I would want is a newly-pregnant woman calling to commiserate with me, even if she'd had IVF before. It would be really hard to see it as anything other than gloating, even if your intentions are genuine and supportive.

Just give her space and time, and let her come to you, or at most have your DH gently approach BIL.

[Ilithyia]

I faced the same challenges when announcing this pregnancy.

My Sister recently had a miscarriage after LTTTC. As soon as I found out I was pregnant I thought "How am I going to tell her?" especially since it had only been a bit over a week since her miscarriage.

I thought about holding it off but decided that just coming out and telling her was the best method. So I decided to send her a text message rather than putting her on the spot over the phone. My text said "I just wanted to let you know that I'm pregnant. I'd rather you hear it from me than from anyone else. I realise that it may hurt your feelings but I feel that it would hurt you more if you discovered that I had been keeping it from you".

She replied with "Ok. Thanks". No Congratulations or anything of the sort.

It did hurt that she didn't congratulate me but I realise that the issues that refused to let her congratulate me are hers, therefore they are legit. I wasn't going to lose any sleep over it because I wasn't going to let her "issues" (as legit as they are) rain on my parade so to speak.

So my advice to you, let the dust settle. It does hurt to hear of other people's glories when you are living a life of hell wishing to have the same glory. But in saying that, I don't believe its fair to make people feel uncomfortable or inadequte because they aren't living the same hell.

I believe your SIL will come around time. She just needs time to adjust. In the mean time, enjoy this blessing which you have been given.
xx

[Footsteps]

Iv been TTC for over 2 years and am actually starting ivf very soon. I had a m/c last year and at the time and even now its so hard hearing about pregnancys etc. I got pregnant 6 years ago and mc at 10 weeks and at the time 2 of my sisters where pregnant and a 3rd was pregnant a few months later. I congratulated them but did distance myself for a long time. Huge hugs x

[Saffy]

Give her more time,she will eventually talk about, and enjoy your pregnancy with you.

The timing was just really bad re your announcement and her bfn- not your fault of course, and big congrats to you-but she just needs to grieve her loss.

My sister recently announced her pregnancy, and even though I am currently pregnant, it still stung, and she waited until I got my bfp to announce- its just hard to explain but the scars of infertility and losses just go so deep. Its nothing you have done and nothing against you but I know for me there were just some people's pregnancies I could not mention or acknowledge.

It might take her a while, but if I were you i would wait for her to make the next move. You know she will love her niece/nephew, she just can't show it at the moment.

[Miss.September]

I've been through this with SIL and only now is she coming around. I won't lie and pretend it's not hard, but I know it's been hard for both of us. I got really upset in the beginning that she wouldn't acknowledge me having a baby.

What I had to learn was that while I couldn't help being upset by her reaction, she couldn't help her reaction to my news. The hardest bit that I had to deal with was that she'd been overjoyed at her sister's sudden pregnancy yet full on resentfulness of mine, even though mine followed a miscarriage and it's own heartbreak.

Hang in there, she will come around eventually. Just don't push it on her. If SIL asks anything to do with me being pg, I'm honest about how I'm feeling, but I don't drag it out. I don't want to hurt her and I try not to think about it when I'm having my own fragile moments

[Tegam]

Wow - sorry Tegam but that comes across as completely lacking in any compassion whatsoever. Brutal!!
.

That's ok you feel that way, but I think it is selfish. It's brutal to not offer congratulations.

It's brutal to be pregnant with a new life and someone close to you ignore it. Or it to become the great unsaid.

It happened to be for years. Both my sister and sil went thru ivf at the time we were having number three.
And lions and bears I think it does change things greatly and yes it eats up some of the joy

I've lost two babies. Neither of my sil or sister have. Should I not offer congratulations when they fall? Should I be upset they had it so easy to never experience a loss, NO WAY.

I stand by what I said. Selfish and insensitive.

[MummyNaomi]

I dunno that 14 days equates to 'the great unsaid' though in fairness

If Bloom got months into her pregnancy or even to birth with no acknowledgement, then yep, totally agree with you that it would be inappropriate that BIL & SIL had not said anything or acknowledged the amazing event of her pregnancy. But the reality is - the context is 14 days as Bloom herself said. A human cant be expected to get through all the stages of grief and move on and put on their happy face in that time.

[myturn]

Could you send her a text saying you're sorry her cycle failed and hoped she was ok? Maybe it will be the ice breaker she needs to contact you?

She is probably so caught up in her own emotions and grief she's not thinking as she normally would.

Although it would be nice to get a text I can understand if she's not thinking straight and engulfed in her own misery. Hopefully she'll surface soon.

Congrats on your pregnancy. :-)

This might be a nice way to do it... Truth be told, there is nothing perfect about it whichever way you deal with it.

I am so sorry. This must be very upsetting for you.

Sorry but I feel your SIL is being selfish.

Tegam, I can actually see where you are coming from - they may be in their own headspace and not thinking of anyone else, but I kinda agree with the others that it seems a bit harsh. When you are so distressed it's nice if people can try looking after you for a while - and maybe that's the place they are in - two weeks to not reply, and having a BFN in that time isn't really that long.

But of course, we all have our own opinion and that's understandable either way...

from my point of view - I would prefer friends to let me know by text or phone - BUT family and close friends, I actually think I would like the respect to be told to my face - by the person who is my sibling or friend, and to be allowed to cry and be sad if that's what happens. Cause I'd like to think that I will be calm and handle it with congrats and excitement, but I may have trouble with that, and I hope my family and good friends would understand.

after all - I am the one going through the crap, and it feels like everyone avoids you (totally understandable, cause how do you talk about it, when I don't want to!, but at the same time, I wish people were being nice and checking in and looking after me for a change. I always have to be excited and happy for everyone with their exciting news, but I can't share the crap news (cause that hurts to), and everyone kinda just leaves me alone.

Don't get me wrong I do understand, but I do wish people would... occassionally, just check in.
One of my good friends, every now and then, will just email me and say something like.... "just wanted to check in and see how you were going - not going to talk about anything "important" (unless you want to), but I wanted you to know that I was thinking about you xxx".

I really value that and appreciate it - she's not asking me to my face - where I might not be ready nor want to, but she is letting me know she is available if I'd like, and that she cares enough to keep checking in..... and you know what, she is the one who I do talk to, and want to talk to when I do see her.... those people who are 'respecting me' by not asking.... I don't know how to talk to them... cause I know they don't feel comfortable or know what to say. So I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable, and we all just pretend it's not happening.... and that's my sister I am referring to.

but if she gets pregnant - the nicest thing she could do, is take me out for lunch, by herself, and say..... "this is really hard for me to tell you, and I will totally understand that it is hard for you, but I need to tell you that I am pregnant. And I hope we can enjoy the journey together, but I will understand and and try not to get hurt when you can't be".

I think I deserve the respect to be told to my face by those important people - because if you love me, you can deal with my emotions for a while - cause I'm the one going through the crap - and of course, I will be happy for you, and you know me well enough to know that I will be respectful and happy for you as much as I can. But we all have our journeys, and we can only do what we can do.

I guess - to answer your original question - I too think she needs more time, I'd like to think I would text as well - especially if I knew you'd both been on the same journey, but maybe I couldn't, and maybe, maybe I do need you to initiate. I think in this situation your silence would be equally uncomfortable for me, as trying to formulate a text message that is congratulatory. Maybe she is feeling hurt that she hasn't had any sympathy for her BFN....

I think the text message saying simply...."so sorry to hear about your BFN, I wish there was more I could do and I understand our news must be difficult at this time. I am crossing my fingers your journey starts soon, so we can share it together. I am thinking about you often. xxx"

[grub17]

my one thought on this bloom is to look at it from her perspective... "why hasn't my preg sil called to see if i'm okay after my failed cycle?". you said you were close, so maybe she is thinking the same about you. You are both focussed on yourselfs and how the other person isn't meeting your expectations when you both might actually be needing to reach out to each other.?? if that makes sense.
She is probably not overjoyed atm that you are preg but she probably also was so focussed on the cycle and result that her intentions might have just been lost in the mix.
and yes, she's probably grieving and jealous and doesn't want to think about you falling pregnancy naturally, but that will pass.
I couldn't even talk about it without bursting into tears for about two weeks or so after BFNs... i got better at being bitterly disappointed but your first cycle i reckon is your worst.
You just can't guess what she's thinking, so may as well pick up the phone and ask her if she's okay. She'll probably appreciate that

[Miss.B]

Firstly, big congratulations hun on your natural miracle!

Secondly, my personal opinion is that regardless of your SIL's circumstance, it wouldn't be too much to ask to even get a quick 'congrats' text from her. I am certainly not a seasoned IVFer, I am one of those lucky ones who has so far got pg 3 times out of 3 IVF cycles, however, I know the very real and 'stab in the heart' feeling that comes when someone announces their 'natural' miracle. But as much as it hurts me (and for me it's not so much the fact that I can't get pg, it's because I have to do IVF in the first place), I still find the teeny bit of strength to congratulate my friends who get pg, seemingly at the drop of a hat. I always say to myself that, one day, hopefully they will be congratulating me.

Also, I think it's very important to acknowledge the BFN when someone you know if trying for a baby, naturally or not.

[myturn]

Firstly, big congratulations hun on your natural miracle!

Secondly, my personal opinion is that regardless of your SIL's circumstance, it wouldn't be too much to ask to even get a quick 'congrats' text from her.

Also, I think it's very important to acknowledge the BFN when someone you know if trying for a baby, naturally or not.

^^^^ I agree on all these three things... I went so off track with my 'opinion' I feel like I missed the point

Yes, I think it would be nice for her to text.... but I understand why she didn't.
Yes, I think you should text her... but I understand why you haven't.

What I wanted to emphasise was that...
I think you are both waiting for each other... and it only takes one person to initiate something.... maybe, in this case, as hurtful as it is that she hasn't been able to text.... maybe she needs to be looked after....

[Miss.B]

^^^^ I agree on all these three things... I went so off track with my 'opinion' I feel like I missed the point

Yes, I think it would be nice for her to text.... but I understand why she didn't.
Yes, I think you should text her... but I understand why you haven't.

What I wanted to emphasise was that...
I think you are both waiting for each other... and it only takes one person to initiate something.... maybe, in this case, as hurtful as it is that she hasn't been able to text.... maybe she needs to be looked after....

I also agree with you myturn, well said hun

[Keta]

I agree with Miss B and Myturn, so congratulations

I am currently in a similar situation in that, I have recently gotten my BFP and a friend who was cycling at the same time and doing her second round of the same treatment got a BFN the week before. I think my bfp is even harder for her because we started our cycles on the same day. Mine went much slower and her bfn came a week earlier than my bfp but my pregnancy is going to be a constant reminder of the cycle that didn't work for her. With that said she did congratulate me. Maybe she is feeling a loss of 'partnership' she had thought she was going to have with you in this?
On another note all my bfn cycles were paired with either the announcement of a pregnancy or birth of one of my close friends babies. I was really happy for them, saying congratulations was really hard though. I often sent a text to begin with and then saw them at a later date, but if I'm honest I found it really hard.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that we all deal with things differently. It would have been nice for her text but I guess she just couldn't. With time, she will probably process the news and be able to celebrate at some level with you. It is a hard position to be in, so big hugs to you both.