Wishing well at a wedding etiquette?

[feeb]

Our wedding we had a flight centre registry and a myer registry with a range of things on it, we went for both to give people choice if they wanted to get something but it was not mandatory. Some bought different things and others nothing.

When we attend a wedding it's generally about $100 we spend sometimes more if close friend or relative. The weddings we have travelled interstate to we haver spent as much due to flight costs for 4 and accom and car hire.

I don't have an issue with wishing wells at all to be honest it takes away the worry off will they have something allready or get a number of them.

[Marley&Me]

You didn't ask me... But everyone gave money or to our honeymoon registry at our wedding also.
160 people (this is considering a VERY small wedding in our culture), we were given $18k in total, and the wedding cost us $35k.

Most of our family and friends have had weddings that cost them upwards of $60k, so ours was considered pretty simple.

WOW! Holy cow Our wedding was considered 'extravagant' by some and we spent around $15-20K, with the reception totalling $10K at $105 per head (paid more to have it in March)

And I like the idea of wishing wells. No point getting a gift that the bride/groom may not like so much or already have something similar.

[Miss.September]

WOW! Holy cow Our wedding was considered 'extravagant' by some and we spent around $15-20K, with the reception totalling $10K at $105 per head (paid more to have it in March)

And I like the idea of wishing wells. No point getting a gift that the bride/groom may not like so much or already have something similar.

You paid extra for a March wedding? What was the reason they gave you? Ours was a March wedding at $59 per head! That was for a three course meal, the hire of the chapel, drinks and nibbles between the ceremony and reception, all drinks, plus chair covers too. This was for a lunch reception on a Sunday which meant we lost half an hour on what we would have had on a dinner reception. Dinner was $89 per head. Wasn't a hall or anything, it was at one of the nicest wedding venues here. We had 69 people all up and we fought hard to keep the list down (Italian background). We refused to have anyone there we didn't know and had no kids (from the age of three they were charged out as an adult).

I kinda like how this thread is now completely off topic because it's still really interesting!

Even though we had the honeymoon registry, we still received other gifts. And yes, we did cop nasty slack about asking people to give money essentially. Which is crazy because other weddings I'd been to , the same people who have us a hard time were happy to pin hundreds of dollars to the bride's dress because it was "custom".

[*Ang*]

I think it is the implication of being "told" what to give which is where the wishing well comes unstuck. At least with a gift registry you have a choice in gifts and can make it as personal or impersonal as you like.

Regardless of whether you were planning on giving cash or not when there is a wishing well it is almost like the choice has been taken away from you. I like to be given choices and resent being told what to do.

In my European culture a lot of the older people will give cash and that's ok...that is their choice to do so.

If I am going to a wedding and giving cash I would give $150 for DH and I. If it was a sibling then $300-500 and a close friend $200.

Incidentally when we got married back in 2001 we had 220 guests. Total wedding cost was around 27k - this was split between the inlaws, my folks and us. We received around 6k in cash at the wedding which we then used to purchase a larger wedding photo album and some photos for the wall which we would not have been able to otherwise afford.

[Livinthedream]

I like wishing wells, because I am slack and hate shopping.

[Marley&Me]

You paid extra for a March wedding? What was the reason they gave you?

I kinda like how this thread is now completely off topic because it's still really interesting!

.

They didn't say actually.....but it was more for March, November and I think February or April too. I assume it's because it's generally nice weather during these months and they are popular. That included everything except alcohol which we paid about $1500 for. We booked 12 months before the wedding and got the last Saturday in March left. Oh and because it was a Saturday it was more too! If we had it on say a Wednesday in July it would have been around $60 per head. But i loathe cold weather and it was out of the question
But I have to say it was worth it. I had a totally stress free wedding because they took care of everything. Plus it was a beautiful place

And yes, it's slightly off topic, but nevertheless instresting

[Teeki]

WhenI got engaged and married, I had no idea you gave engagement gifts. We got loads. They were almost all useless. I now have a ridiculous amount of serving platters, two cupboards full of "fancy" jugs and glasses, a set if sheets that don't look good in any of our bedrooms and who knows what else. It showed me that people had no clue what to buy us - they wanted to get us couple things for our house, but we already had everything.

I didn't want the same for the wedding - not just for us, I love that people put thought into their gifts and many tried to personalise them and most had a reason behind what they'd bought - but also for the guests. Almost everyone said to us "sorry, we didn't know what to get you!". I didn't want to put any stress on anyone, and didn't want anyone to apologise for what they'd given. So we went with a honeymoon registry, and said something along the lines of "if you would like to give a gift but need a bit of help, we're honeymooning *here* and you can help us make it extra special" or something. Everyone gave far more than we ever thought, we were shocked! Only two people didn't use the registry - my cousin did the invitations for us through her work as her gift (and traveled interstate to be my maid of honour) and DH's aunt made the cake as her gift.

I've never actually seen any invitation with a "no gift policy" *but* we'll take cash if you want to give it. It's always if you'd like to give a gift, cash towards xx would be helpful.

I don't really like cost per head either. I have a friend getting married, and my brother. If my friend decided on a huge extravagant wedding costing $200ph I would not be giving her more than my brother who may decide on a smaller $50ph wedding because they're buying a house. For me it all comes down to our relationship with the couple, the type of wedding they've chosen to pay for doesn't come into it.

[wysiwyg]

Well 1st of March is a good day to get married on - that is the date I got married :-)

I have got to this ripe old age without ever hearing about this CPH concept, I had never heard of wishing wells till came to Australia either. I must say I like them, or holiday registries etc, as most people have enough stuff anyway - and I don't enjoy shopping. We have just given whatever thought at the time, but probably 50-100 max I think. Where people have had interstate weddings where we have flown to them, stayed in hotel etc, they have always said no gifts just attendance is all they want - so we have respected that and just given a card. If get invites to any more weddings now I have heard of CPH it won't make a difference to what we give.

We asked for no gifts, we did get some money given though and actually everyone who gave gave more than the CPH :-) - because we just had a BBQ and no venue.

[peanutter]

This thread occurred to me the other day, because I was chatting with a colleague who was making weekend plans - which included two weddings.

One wedding was a "gift" wedding, the other a wishing well.

So they'd already organised the gift for Wedding A, and she and her partner were only going to stay at Wedding B for one drink, because they figured they'd only one drink each, and so could "reasonably" just chuck $10 in the wishing well, because that would cover the one drink each, and chances were the food wouldn't be out yet.



Seemed a bit mercenary for me.

But is that how people figure things out these days?

[misty]

We had an 'optional' wishing well, as we had been living together several years already and we wanted to provide an option for those people that didn't know what to buy us (as we didn't even really know ourselves what we might possibly want). Most of the guests chose to put money in a card in the wishing well. Those that wanted to buy us something personal or knew us well enough to have an idea of what we would use in our house, bought presents. Every single present we got was / is well used and we'll loved. Most people who gifted money gifted $50. Some only gave $20, and a couple gave $100. We used that money on our honeymoon. We had two people not give either money or gift. One was DH's brother (which he was a groomsman and had recently split from his partner, so I doubt it even occurred to him). And the other was a long term family friend. Either way, we had no issues with this.
Nearly all of our guests had to travel to where we lived, and thus had accommodation expenses, etc.

[meow]

she and her partner were only going to stay at Wedding B for one drink, because they figured they'd only one drink each, and so could "reasonably" just chuck $10 in the wishing well, because that would cover the one drink each, and chances were the food wouldn't be out yet.



Seemed a bit mercenary for me.

But is that how people figure things out these days?

That sounds crazy to me! Do the bride and groom know they only staying for one drink? They will be catered for whether they stay or not so 10 bucks doesn't cover it. AND the gift of cash doesn't mean "pay your way", it's still a gift and you should really be giving whatever you would spend on a gift, not what the meal costs.

[~Kim~]

Mercenary is a good word PN, another that comes to mind is .....rude.
The food will have already been paid for.....

[Livinthedream]

I guess the flip side is that you don't invite your friends to celebrate with you in anticipation of a gift.
So ppl should defiantly only spend on a wedding the amount that they are comfortable shouting their friends and family. KWIM?
Yeah, $10 is scabby. But if you are the type of person who gets invited to a few of these things, weddings could become potentially an expensive way to spend your weekends.
Just because your friends may have chosen to shout you a $100pp meal doesn't mean you need to repay the favour in gift. It would be very rare that we would treat ourselves to a $200 meal, and when we do, it's only ever at a very special place of our choosing.

[peanutter]

I completely get what you mean - and it's not at all an inexpensive gift that bothers me, it's the attitude.

We got a mix tape from one friend. That's totally cool. It's the mercenary attitude of my colleague which surprised/bothered me.

[Marley&Me]

I would be more disappointed that they only stayed for one drink. I was under the assumption that you invite good friends and family to weddings so nobody would want to leave after one drink. Unless it's an over the top circus style wedding where everyone in the neighbourhood gets an invite....?

[inlove]

Was discussing this at work the other day and I had two people tell me that their belief is that you have to cover the cost of your seat at the wedding plus some. So if it was $100 per head as a couple you would give at a minimum $200. I could not believe that and have never practised that myself. I usually work out how much to give based on how close I am to the couple not how much the meal cost. TBH I would really have no idea how much the meal would cost.

[Livinthedream]

I would be more disappointed that they only stayed for one drink. I was under the assumption that you invite good friends and family to weddings so nobody would want to leave after one drink. Unless it's an over the top circus style wedding where everyone in the neighbourhood gets an invite....?

Depends really. A good friends wedding on the same night as grandmas 80 th. What do you do?
But I certainly hope that they have told the hosts they won't be eating.

[Marley&Me]

Depends really. A good friends wedding on the same night as grandmas 80 th. What do you do?
But I certainly hope that they have told the hosts they won't be eating.

A wedding sounds like much more fun than grandma's 80th
But on a serious note, I would always pick the wedding because I know how much time, effort and $ goes into it. If I had something else I had to go to on that date i would go to the ceremony only and let them know I couldn't stay. That way someone else could take our seats and the bride and groom aren't paying for me to make an appearance.