Husband's reaction

[Bailey2000]

Hi ladies,

I often look to this site for some support and inspiration, although I don't post on it often. However, I am looking for some inspiration with respect to some 'issues' - real or imagined - that I am having and also if others have experienced similar. I do understand that the focus on this website is to discuss our respective treatments but it permeates so many other areas of our lives.

DH has two older children from a previous marriage. He had a vasectomy so long ago the conscensus is that it's just not worth reversing. So now his sperm is frozen in the labs and I undergo ICSI. He is soon to turn 53 and I am soon to turn 38. I'm on the second round of IVF but it took me a long time to get him to this stage. This is not helped by the fact we have made four international moves in 2 years and now he is living in Spain and I am sort of in-between. The thing is, I know he is only doing this for me. If I did not want children, he would be fine with that. I do think he would be over the moon if we had a child but he is the sort of bloke who is impulsive and what has got me so upset is that on the first round, he want a blow-by-blow account of the treatment, bought me a baby book, and yet this time round, he hasn't asked any questions at all - I've simply been updating him.

I initially interpreted this as a sign that he is no longer keen (he does change his mind on other matters regularly). However, it could be that he just does not want to get worked up about it like he did the last time and/or that he is guarding against me possibly ending the relationship. Or it could be that he is not interested in it anymore but can't tell me as I'm in the middle of a cycle.

I have asked him straight out if he is still interested in IVF and he said 'of course' and he mentioned our yet to be born child's name. I would say that our relationship is also being compromised by the distance but I have to be here because this is where his sperm is. It's a dilemma. I also think that as a father, he has been through the 'distance' that can often occur when a mother loves their children more than their husband and in some respects that may seem like what I'm doing.

It must sound like I'm an idiot - but failing his saying that he is not interested or the relationship is cooling off (we have been married for six tumultuous years) then I guess I am to continue down this path. Unless I find out that this is not what I want with him either.

God, I've really revealed things that are almost too hurtful to admit but I'm very glad I got this off my chest.

The other thing to note is that I'm a worrier and my head is a tumble dryer of thoughts, very often. However, the stark contrast in attitude this time has me bewildered. I even raised it and sent him various emails explaining the emotion rollercoaster both of us would be on and he said he would write back a response but he hasn't. I feel like I'm giving all of this info to him and receiving nothing back. We have talked and sent msn's almost everyday (actually we msn everyday as opposed to talk...) but I'm finding it a bit bizarre and I'm doing it a bit tough emotionally. I'm due for my embryo transfer tomorrow and I wonder sometimes if I should be going ahead with this.

[Kazmar]

Bailey2000

Though I have no experience in this area of life, I do however have alot of experience with your hunbands types ie: my DP is the same.

My DP is 22yrs and very easy come easy go and says what he feels. But I am a BIG worrier and everything he says or should I say doesn't say, I then interprate as bad and I stew on it for days!

Your DH may be feeling a little knocked back as the 1st try did not work and guys (my guy) tends to not get his hopes up about something until he knows for sure. Which drives me mad! For example when I found out I was pg, DP was happy but said he isn't going 2 get 2 excited until he gets to see the 1st u/s so then he knows for sure.

Very frustrating for you and as I said I have no experience. But maybe he is trying to save himself from the 'letdown' incase this time doesn't work.

Lots of luck and babydust sent your way. Im sure someone else will be able to help you who has more experience. Take care

[Mum0809]

Hi
I was thinking the same as mamakass, that your DH may be feeling upset the 1st try did not work and doesn't want to get his hopes up just uncase it doesn't happen. My dh is the same.

I personally don't think he doesn't a baby or he is thinking about ending the relationship. I think he is worried you won't get a baby and he may even be feeling guilty. Maybe try talking to him.

good luck. I hope it all works out and you get your baby soon.

[Caramello]

I feel for you Bailey, particulary with the additional angst of having to maintain a long distance relationship.

I am going with instinct here - don't know if this applies to your man.

Most men faced with a problem want to find some way to fix the problem, hence your husbands interest in how everything works.

Because it didn't work the first time he is feeling removed from the process.

The only way to fix it is to keep talking about what's going on and how you feel.

All the best.

[briggsy's girl]

Bailey

i think th other ladies have said it fantastically. it seems that the most males of the species are put together very much the same. they have a need to "fix" things, and a blind faith that it will just take one try with IVF. they go into it all gung ho, wanting to know every step of the way what is happening, how it works, and what the outcome of each step is. then something goes wrong - in this case your cycle failed. and they KNOW how it works - but they don't know how to fix it. they don't know how to take away the hurt. they don't know how to give you want you want. they don't know how to make it right - so instead of opening up and saying that, they seem to close down. head in the sand. pretend it isn't happening!

it's not easy for those of us going through it. we're living it day in day out. we get to take the meds, feel their effect on our body. we get to have the tests. we are involved, but realistically, until that moment that they're "sample" is needed - they're not involved - and in your case, that's been and done, and he doesn't have to "live" this anymore. in your DH's situation, he might also be feeling like less of a "man" because he's not able to give you a child the way he created his first children. that has to be hard on him - to know a decision he made however many years ago is impacting your lives in such a big way now. it's not necessarily that he doesn't want the cycle to work, he just doesn't know how to MAKE it happen, and that's hard on him.

and being apart makes it even harder. My DH is a truck driver, so not home a lot of the time. our whole relationship is based on phone calls most of the time. and when we're cycling, it's damn hard. i am at home, living a normal life - i go to work, i go for tests, i sweat on the results. i jab myself, i take the pills - all DH has to do is work/eat/sleep - it's not on his mind and in his face all the time - and i know that has changed the way he is involved. he's there for me, don't get me wrong - but if i have an appointment, it's usually not him ringing to see how it went, it's me calling him. it's bloody hard work!! i completely empathise with you

Bailey hun, i don't know what other issues exist in your relationship with your DH, but reading your posts, it seems that there is more to it than just the communication issues with regard to IVF. i guess there comes a point where you have to decide what path you're going to take - do you stay here and continue the IVF indefinitely, not knowing what the future of your relationship holds - or do you travel overseas and spend some time with your DH and work through the other issues. IVF is tough, and can put an immense strain on a relationship. ultimately, i'd hate for it to be the deciding factor in whether your relationship survived.


take care hun, and good luck

BG

[hope4ababy]

Dear Bailey,

I am sure that your DH just feels bad that you have to go through allthis to have a child with him, Men do not communicate like us women. Men, when they feel bad, go into their caves (you know the book - Men are from Mars Women are from Venus - great read). He might also be scared to loose you if you have problems conceiving as he knows how important having a child is to women, chin up, all the best for oyur transfer, believe me I didn't think I would be facing my 4th transfer soon, it can take a bit of time for some of us, I am sure it will happen your DH has fathered two children - focus on the positive...IVF is not easy it is a phychological roller coaster, alot of emotions arefelt during this time,perhaps he is not sure what is the best to say to you right now, all the best - just remember - relax and believe it will happen - magic happens - Good Luck !

[Bailey2000]

Hi guys,

Thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate it. I have since communicated with my husband and I believe it may be, as most of you say, that he might be feeling a bit guilty and concerned about it (although he didn't say this - but often it's what men DON'T say that indicates what they feel). We women do think and communicate very differently to the male species don't we? I guess I had my nose put out of joint when I asked if he would have a vasectomy reversal a few weeks ago so that instead of flying back and forth every two months to undertake treatment (which knocks me around for a few days due to jetlag, not to mention those horrible long haul flights, sitting up for 24 hours), we could try naturally in-between if necessary. His response to my request is that he would have to think about it for a while. My logic was "what's the difference, the sperm is still coming from the same testicles". His reaction was that "if if doesn't work, he'll be spending years feeling guilty and disapponted". Apart from the fact it probably would not work anyway, that comment stunned me because I suspect that's sort of how we will feel for a while if IVF does not succeed anyway. So this set the scene for my mind to start delving into all sorts of things and my feelings of paranoia just skyrocketed over the past three week!

Anyway, I'm getting on the plan on Wed to go to Spain for a while. If I'm not pregnant, I'm flying back in. If I am, I'll stay for several months. My dog is there too, and I'm always calmer when he's around too!

In my first posting, I said I sent an email to DH. That email contained a posting from this website which contained postings from a whole heap of people that talked about the emotional rollercoaster, effects of the hormones on moods etc. He said he would respond but he did not do this. He said it was because he'd been busy, but I suspect that it was partly the reason, but also partly he did not feel comfortable typing his emotions down. He has subsquently promised he would talk to me about this when I get there.

Brissy's girl - you are sensing the right thing. I love DH, but our life has been a rollercoaster. All the moves, from Sydney to Swizterland, to Saudi Arabia (horrible) but to Swizterland (but a different part) and then he to Spain and me sort of flying in-between Syd and Spain. Sounds far more glamorous than what it has been.

Right now though, I just really want to see him and our dog.

Hey guys, I really thank you. I feel so alone going through this, as some of you do too, when DH is not there. Brave are the girls who do this on their own.

Hugs to you all.
xx

[briggsy's girl]

Bailey - the travel sounds like a downright pain in the butt! the physical side of IVF is hard enough as it is - the additional travel and KNOWING that your DH can't be home within a day if you need him... the lack of a settled "space" to call your own would be very frustrating and disruptive emotionally as well as physically. my DH can generally be home within 36 hours... i travel for treatment, but only a 200k round trip for each appointment, but even that is physically draining!

"if if doesn't work, he'll be spending years feeling guilty and disapponted"

wouldn't it be lovely if they realised that this is how we feel after EVERY failed cycle? we KNOW a fertilised and viable embryo has been put back, so when it fails, even though technically there is no blame for anyone - it is the worst feeling of guilt that your body didn't do what it needed to, to become pregnant! in this circumstance, given that the doctors don't think a reversal will work, i can understand your partners reluctance to have the surgery - but i can also understand why you're asking. it is something that only the two of you can decide and ultimately you have to weigh up whether it is worth putting yourselves through that "maybe, maybe not, just for a kinda maybe chance that we'll get pg on the off-cycle month"

just wanting to wish you all the best for your upcoming cycle - hoping this is the last one for a long long time!

[Pookiegirlba]

Hi Bailey - I'm glad it's somewhat been sorted in your mind, at least in the short term. I find it helps to have a plan.

I just wanted to add that I am in a similar situation to you: my DH has 4 children from a previous marriage and had a vasectomy in his late 20s. We are doing IVF/ICSI too, rather than a reversal, as the research I've done seems to indicate the odds are better this way. Anyway, after a couple of failed cycles of IVF, my DH finally told me that he had been feeling guilty for some time because he had had the vasectomy. Of course, when he had the vas he had no idea his marriage was going to fail and he would meet someone else who wanted children, and that he would want children with, but he still felt guilty and responsible for us having to go through IVF. Of course it's not his fault, and I did everything I could to reassure him that I didn't feel that way, but I'm sure he still has a residue of guilt. [In a way, it's reassuring to know that sometimes men can be as irrational as they always accuse women of being ].

My point is, maybe your DH is feeling guilty for that reason also? Just a thought.

Good luck with your move to Spain - I hope you get PG and you get to enjoy your pregnancy in the Spanish sun!

Vicki
x