So I realised tonight that I am only 3.5 years away from 40.... 40 is my cut of date I guess you could say...

One pregnancy announced at work today, and another one saying she is trying at the moment.... Plus my BFF has just taken out the implant and is starting to try again as well...

Im still struggling to get my first, and struggling the lose the weight that will probably make all the difference.... Sigh....

So what have I gone and done.... Applied for a new job... Wtf am I thinking. If I get it (and I have already been called for interview....) ... I can't say no, as it is a promotion and a pay rise, its too good an opportunity to say no.... I really do want to give the job a try... But really I just want to be pregnant. I want to be a mum, I want to stay at home and enjoy mothering. I don't really want to work at all....

I just am getting scared it won't happen... It's been three and a half years since I have been trying... I was 33... Thought I had heaps of time.... It's been 2.5 years since I tried clomid... It's nearly 2 years since we stared IVF...... I am feeling hopeless tonight....

8 cycles... 2 of those FETs and the rest stim cycles.... I'm tired.... I am scared to even use the frosties I have left.... I know its a good haul I have left.... But I am feeling really worried abut using them at all.

I don't want to wait, but I don't want to start... Sigh....

I guess I just need some support, and feeling like I am not alone. Maybe a new job would be good for me... Maybe....

Tears dripping down my cheeks