Big hugs my love - this has been a challenge for you I know. You know something - you are not the same person you were back then. The struggle, your blessed angels, the parts of you that this situation helped to grow strong. These are all the gifts of this challenge.
I can only imagine how hard it is to watch those "cars" as Slyder analogised whizz past... I know a little of it though. The goodbyes and the sheer pain of it do make us stronger, more compassionate. You know what??? When that time comes that YOU hold that baby in your arms - you will truly know the meaning of miracle. Believe my love. Keep believing. Your time will come and we will all be here cheering you on.
For now I am sending you lots of love and strength.