I am doing my best to get on with things, and look forward with hope and positivity. Naturally I still have bad days, and I do still feel quite a bit of grief, anger, bitterness at all thats happened, which I am working on letting go and moving through.
I think my ability to cope with other life stresses is quite reduced at the moment though.
Yesterday I backed into a car. It was my fault. We have a very large excess on our insurance (recently changed the policy to pay a low premium) and this is a cost we cant really afford right now on top of IVF, which simply brings us more stress. I just had a meltdown yesterday afternoon, it all felt like too much. I know it wasn't the end of the world. Noone was hurt etc...but sometimes it doesnt take much to push me to that point of extreme stress and upset.
My psychologist says I am still in the grieving process about everything and to just be gentle with myself. Sometimes I feel like I should be doing better, and be stronger...and I know so many have had it worse than me. I guess in time I'll get there.
Do you sometimes have those meltdown type days...where the buildup of things just gets on top of you?
Oh Emma you know you have gone through a hell of a lot in the last few months, you have to be kind to yourself, some things are bound to fall by the wayside, they definitely do in my world.
I have days where I just can't get out of bed. Not many and they are very sporadic but disabling just the same. I stay at home and see no-one. Call in sick to work (who are very supportive).
I hate feeling like this though. It sucks.
I guess we do just need to be kind to ourselves. I'd never be this hard on a friend, so why do I do it to myself?
hun, sometimes you live on the edge emotionally, and all it takes is one unexpected thing to tip you over the edge. throughout this whole journey, i've had those "moments" where something completely random has tipped me over the edge into a three day depressive meltdown. just recently (start of this week) i went to the bank to deposit money, checked netbank next day and they hadn't credited to my account. now, it was fixed within a couple of minutes on the phone, but it was the tip of the iceberg and i had a complete meltdown - i just couldn't function without tears for the next day or so. it was horrible. and when i thought back on it, things like that have been what have torn me apart every time for the past four years or so! it's damn hard - you can build up a protective wall about the IVF stuff to a degree - you kinda know what to expect so you can harden your heart - but when something out of left field comes along, not only does THAT get you, but it starts a domino effect and ALL your walls fall down and everything becomes fresh and raw again until you can build your defences back up
don't be hard on yourself - yes, you made a mistake, yes, you have to sort it out - and yes, you fell apart - but it happens to everyone that has something they are trying to protect themselves from!
take care of yourself - things will work themselves out eventually.
Sue- you are right, being more gentle and less hard on ourselves is something to strive for!
BG- they way you explain it is so spot on...that's just it...the car thing happened, and the prospect of a big cost and suddenly all the other things (IVF, no baby etc) seemed just too much to bear as well...I guess you are right, my careful walls crashed.
Today, like you described, I am close to tears ALL the time and feel so fragile. Hopefully over the weekend I can start rebuilding those walls so things are more manageable again
Maybe over the weekend do something nice for yourself, like a massage or pedicure or something. I know it doesn't make it all better but just something to make you feel nice for a time.
Thanks so much for asking Possums. I did not want to take over your thread with "all about me"...I have posted about my current situation in another thread ... it is here -
After a day where I spent the entire morning either in tears or holding them back (at work no less), I am a bit calmer...but I am still having trouble accepting what is going on.
Dusty, thank you too, I just borrowed Chosing Happiness also, I am in a bit of a bad head space at the moment and need something to help me think straight. Thanks again!
do you sometimes find it hard to cope?
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you know you have gone through a hell of a lot in the last few months, you have to be kind to yourself, some things are bound to fall by the wayside, they definitely do in my world.
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