Emotional Strain from DH Perspective

[VelociRaptor]

Please let me know if I have posted in the wrong forum and also excuse me for my lack of terminology.

Here is a brief history of where we are at:

As the title states I am the husband and my wife and we have been TTC for over 2 years now. My wife fell pregnant back in Aug 2007 but lost the baby after about 8 weeks. The issue with struggling to fall pregnant was due to PCOS and her estrogen levels not getting high enough. Since then we have seen a fertillity specialist and my wife has had to go through (not sure of the name here) taking a pen injector and also getting plenty of blood tests to track her levels. Finally she had to inject herself with a trigger of pregnyl and has to continue with pregnyl 1500 every 4 days.

This is where all the emotions and feelings have hit rock bottom. My wife is now talking about how she is not sure is she wants children anymore and also questioning our relationship (Been together 11 years, married 2 and a half). She says that the drugs aren't helping but still thinks there must have been issues deep down that have been dragged up with all that is going on. I know the excitement level in our relationship had dropped rather low, we both seemed to much rather sit at home and watch movies than getting out and about. I am now thinking the worst and worried that this wonderful relationship we have had over the last decade is going to be destroyed by trying toi have children. There was nothing more in the world that either of wanted other than to have kids. I have been trying my hardest to do whatever is required to make things more enjoyable for us, but it seems like this is only coming from one side. I don't know what I should do, as it seems to be affecting me more than her. She has one more pregnyl shot in 3 days followed by a final blood test 5 days later to find out if we were successful or not.

I am hoping everything comes right once she gets the result of the final BT but just really struggling as to what to do between now and then.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Sare]

Hello

It sounds like you are both having a hard time.

This business of trying to have a baby and meeting obstacle after obstacle is so painful and wearing.

I haven't been through the IVF business yet (we are just about to embark on it) - so I can't comment on that aspect of it. But my partner and I have been trying to conceive for a long time - and we have been on a painful and at times despairing journey and it's really brought up all the dormant and tricky aspects of our relationship. We had some counselling from a great therapist and it really helped. We were just too mired in it all to see clearly. She really helped us see things more clearly. And now that each of our issues are in the open and we are really facing our own feelings and reactions and taking responsibilty for our own feelings, our relationship is stronger than ever.

I hope that this is true for you in time too.

In the short term - your FS might be attached to a clinic with in-house counsellors? Perhaps the best short term step is a sympathetic ear for you - someone who understands the process and how it is to be the partner of a woman in a couple trying to conceive.

Good luck with the forthcoming BT.

[belle333]

Hi VelociRaptor

It certainly is a roller coaster ride of emotions ... that is undeniable. And filling your body up with hormones can be difficult at best. I found my own stimulated cycle very tiring and I did have times when I had very dark thoughts - which I have to admit scared me.

While what she is saying may be true, its only natural to have doubts.

As suggested counselling may be a good idea and available through your clinic. While I am no expert I suggest that you continue to support her through this difficult time as best you can. Also a holiday away could be a nice distraction for the two of you.

Good luck and best wishes

[VelociRaptor]

Yeah I suggested a counciller but my wife wants to wait until the final blood test next week and see how her feelings and emotions are going then. I think I need to try and be stronger through this time and just be there for her instead of thinking the worst.

Give her her space when needed and be there for a sholder to cry on when needed.

Also suggested the getting away for a while but she thinks she is not up to it.

I will just get on with this week and try and be as strong as I can and see how things pan out.

Thanks for the replies.

[numa]

Hi VelociRaptor

I hope things are improving for you and your wife. I felt very touched by your story and your courage to ask for help in a forum with few male voices. I have been through one IVF cycle so far but my husband and I have been TTC for over 18 months (including going through a miscarriage). While we haven't faced relationship issues, I know what a deeply sad and bewildering experience it is for both.

It seems you are doing what you can to support you wife in a difficult time, and I encourage you to make sure you have people who support you as well. I think its important to have someone other than ones partner to talk and download fears and frustrations to - I know from experience it's sometimes too much for the husband/wife to handle, particularly if they are on the edge as well.

Wishing you all the best

[VelociRaptor]

Unfortunately I am close to all her family then any of mine, so I have been spending most of my time talking to her sister and brother. This has been good though as it has opened my eyes quite a lot.

Things have started to look up a bit lately, after talking to her brother (he told me how he had suffered from depression 2 years ago and it sounds similar to what my wife is going through) I have taken the attitude that I am her is you need me here, and I will give you your space when you need it. I decided to do a few things for myself over the weekend and it was quite good. I think I ended up smothering her too much as I was just so scared that I was going to loose her and I had no idea what I needed to do. So I have taken on a more positive attitude and hopefully things can keep heading in the right direction.

Thanks for all the advice.

[briggsy's girl]

i read your OP and thought to myself "OMG - this is exactly what i do to my DH!" - i know the further we go on this journey, the more isolated i feel through it - not that my DH isn't there for me 100%, cos he's there more than any of my friends husbands could ever be! - it's more that, every time something goes wrong, i feel guilty, like i'm letting HIM down, as well as missing an another opportunity to fall pg. in my rational moments, i KNOW that's not what happens, but it's how i feel - and i lash out and try to make him feel as bad as i'm feeling - when i've been at my worst, i've wanted out - not that i don't want to be with him, but at that very moment, i can't see how we can survive the pain of what we're going through. i've told DH in those moments that i don't want children, i don't want to continue going through this, i don't think we're ready to be parents - a lot of stuff that, when i'm between cycles - hell, even when i've calmed down - i know it's not true - but at THAT moment, i truly feel that way. thankfully, like you, my DH is always there for me - he listens, he lets me vent - he puts up with me yelling, crying, hanging up on him (he works away) - he offers me space, a shoulder to cry on... i know it hurts him - and i don't know how he puts up with me! but he does - and ultimately, i think we're getting stronger as a couple - even as we're going through this hell!!! hope you and your DW can get through this - it seems like you're as supportive as my DH has been through all of this, so you're on the right track

take care

BG

oh yeah, for what it's worth, i too suffer depression - i've refused medication as i don't want to add extra drugs to my system if i can avoid it - and what your DW is doing sounds very similar. i have spent a lot of hours with a psychologist working out coping mechanisms. i wouldn't have appreciated it being suggested when i was at my worst, but when i was feeling ok-ish, i realised on my own that i needed some help....

[tiggerlinda]

First of all well done on posting and asking the question.

I know that the pressure of IVF is always hard and that I think DH is distant when we go through IVF. Rationally I know he loves me but from time to time I think that he is not feeling/empathising with all I am going through.

His reply to me is he hates it when he can't help me. He loves being involevd in the excitment now but had hung back from it all beacause he couldn't cope with the tough my injections and pain. He is great and loving this is our 5 th stim cycle so we sort of have a routine by now but I remeber for all of the 1st one we were at each others throats.

Scary but real is how I put the IVF process and more involved and volitle than normal TCC.

We try and work on being closer with each other and do simple things like a weekend coffee date to have some us not at home or grocery shopping time.

I do hope this cycle is it for you and your wife and things get better for you