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Thread: Feeling very alone

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Oct 2007
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    Default Feeling very alone

    Hello,
    All I seem to do is post negative stuff here, but its the one place that I can, and people understand. So sorry to those reading this and think that all I do is complaine - I'm not really like this all the time - sometimes I'm happy and cheerful...I think.. maybe.

    I'm just feeling very alone at th emoment. I think part of it is the TWW, the progesterone and feeling that AF is about to arrive, but part of it is our situation, and I just dont know what to do.

    Apart from two couples, all our/my friends are either pg or have had kids. Most with no hassels, and the of the people I know that did use IVF concieved on their first go, and the other, while it took time have a beautiful baby boy. Our friends are pretty dispersed too, and are not within visiting distance so I mainly keep in touch by phone or email - all of which involves hearing about their kids. Within my work team, the girl I supervise is pg, my boss has a 1 yrs old, a good friend is on mat leave, and another team members is convinced she will be pg by the end of the year - they plan to start trying once they are married in 6 months. My SIL is going to announce that she is pg with her second at any tick of the clock, and my Dad (yep thats right), and his new wife (who is younger than me and my younger sister) have an 8 month old. No matter where I turn we are surrounded by babies and pg people.

    To compound that, in Aug last year we moved from Melb to a country town where my inlaws have a farm. I've kept my job from Melb, and work part time up here, but then travel 2 days a week to Melb (8hrs travel in a day for 7 hrs work - I'm sure I'm crazy - and my MIL keeps trying to find me local jobs - I'm sure she blames (partly) our inability to provide her with a grandchild on my career). The only three female people up here (apart from my MIL who is besotted with her granddaughter), both have babies. I know no one else. My Dh has a couple of friends here from school, but most of his mates are motorcyling buddies who he rides with on some weekends, so it is not really a social opportunity...and because of his work/study and a hate of dinner parties, he is not really supportive of having a social BBQ or similar so I can just have some people around and get to know a few people

    I was thinking that my way of making friends up here would be when we had kids, through mothers group, kinder etc etc, but I stuggle to see how that will happen. I dont play sport, and I have trouble to see how I can find the time to get involved in other activities - with work, farm and study. I have done a local course, but I am not good at making friends - too introverted. So I'm stuck out of town, with no local social contact (except MIL and FIL), feeling very alone.

    Also, my DH does not understand the stabbing feeling I get in my chest each time another person tells me - no matter how gently - that they are pg, or the huge amount of emotional energy it takes to keep pretending to the world that all is ok, and to show people the attention and excitement they deserve at the news of pg and their kids. While he wants kids, to him, if they dont happen he will be sad, but will be ok. I dont know how I would face that. Because our inital reason was MFI I also hate looking sad in front of him - I want to protect his feelings - even though I do break down into tears and get grumpy etc etc in front of him. He then just gets angry or exasibated because he does not know what to do to make it better.

    Anyway, I dont really know what the point of this is - prob just therapy to get it out.
    Sorry to anyone who made it down this far into the post - it has been a bit of a rant!
    FG


  2. #2

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    Aug 2007
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    :hugs: Just wanted to say that in BB world you are not alone.. I hope this month is yours and you get your Xmas baby..
    Dee

  3. #3

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    Oct 2007
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    FG, love, what a difficult time you've been having!

    It's such a challenging journey, the AC journey. Doesn't it seem that when you're really in the middle of it and having a lot to deal with mentally and emotionally from the journey that every 2nd person you know, or that you see in public is pregnant or has a young baby?

    I can say I've been through those thoughts too, and this somewhere where you definitely are not alone - I think most women undergoing AC have these thoughts, and we understand

    When seeing pregnant women and new mothers, or being told someone else was pregnant (both family, friends and in public) was starting to bother me a lot, I decided I was going to say to myself it was ok to have a reaction to it, but that when it was a new child I would use the opportunity to look at that child and see all the wonderful things about them, all the miraculous little features, the connection to it's mother, all those things - and remind myself that in time, I would have these to look forward to in my own child, and that was a joyful thing to see it in front of me now. And when it was a pregnant woman, I would use it as a reminder to visualise myself pregnant and as reminder of what I had to look forward to, in time.

    I still react a little, but putting this positive spin of my own on having contact, whether immediate or in public, has helped a lot. I know it takes a lot of energy to do this, but it's creating a much more positive use of energy in this sitation.

    Your friends that have gone through IVF are such a thing to focus on too! Yes, although there is the painful acknowledgement that they have babies now, the point is they both have been successful, which it means that you will be too, in time! I often remind myself that 90% of couples that continue with IVF treatment - whether it takes one go or many many - end up being successful. It's another positive thing to focus on when everything is really hard.

    I think in the TWW it's even harder to focus on anything other than thoughts about pregnancy and babies. It really is. I'm proof at the moment - it's difficult to tear me away from BB during the day atm!! I'm going to force myself to go and make fudge this afternoon for a break!

    There are a couple of things you could do:
    1. Have you checked where the nearest AC support group is to you? It may be really good to occassionally meet in person with people who understand what you're going through. It would be a way to feel less alone IRL, despite having BB here. You can do this by contacting the ACCESS network (your clinic will have details or you can google ACCESS) and even put out a message through the network that you'd like to find people within a certain distance from home who would be willing to meet up, say once a month. Even a once a month get-together in Melbourne, despite the distance, could be a great way to make new friends this way. BB has get togethers IRL in capital cities too!

    2. Try to take your mind off your treatment and TTC. So much easier to write than actually do it, but it's worth putting energy into. Part of the issue of feeling lonely could be because your trapped in your thoughts and difficult mental and emotional affects of treatment and the isolation of the highly personal experience you are going through. If you can take your mind off it and get engrossed in something else, it will help (i.e. Miss C is going to make fudge! ). Reading, crafts (I also spend hours concentrating on cross stitch when there's time!) etc. - I know there are many ladies on BB who pursue things like this to take their minds off the difficulties. When you don't have a lot of time, it doesn't mean you need to start finding swathes of time to do things like this, but just even a little time to focus on things that a fulfilling for you that don't revolve around work, TTC or challenging social situations would be so beneficial.

    Lastly, I think you're right about the progesterone, hun. It can do terrible things to your mental state - it can really make you feel quite depressed and hopeless, especially such a big dose like what you get on the pessaries - and trying to keep that in perspective allows you to see the light at the end of the tunnel a little more.

    Sorry for the looooong post, but I wanted to offer some things that have helped me

    Please don't get down on yourself, hun. The biggest battle in TTC sometimes is in your head. We're here for you all you need, and please know that having been living in Country Vic for over two months before leaving o/s next week, I understand that it can be so very isolating and lonely because of that physical distance away from people.

    Many hugs,

    Miss C
    Last edited by Acacia; April 10th, 2008 at 01:08 PM.

  4. #4

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    Jan 2008
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    just a quick, reply don't fully understand your situation as i already have 3 kids and trying for number 4, but i have a friend who is from poland who her and her dh have been ttc for about 2 years now, she told mw, " why is it everyone is getting pregnant but not her, she said she feels upset and sometimes doesn't want to talk to her pregnant friends or ones with babies especially.
    she only has her dh and his family as support and her sil has a 5 month old baby.

    the thing is everyone isn't pregnant or has a baby, she just notices everyone that does, she is almost obsessed with it and i do understand. she doesn't know we are starting IVF as i think it would kill her.
    i make sure when we go for walks i do it when my boys are at school so she sort of forgets i have kids and i try not to talk about them much so she doesn't feel i'm rubbing it in.
    your situation is hard and i think miss c' s idea of trying to keep busy is good. also you mentioned there were 2 couples with no kids, have you tried to do some things with them so you're not the only one with no kids

    i'm praying for a christmas baby for you,
    janet

  5. #5

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    Big hugs farmgirl, you are not alone. There are many many many of us all trying to achieve the same thing. A little bubba on our laps.

    Reading your story made me cry because I think the same things!

  6. #6

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    Hi Farmgirl,

    I too live in the country and am on IVF and have been for some time now. It really is tough i know - and i do understand the feeling you have only too well. I know the feeling of almost feeling desperate about the whole thing - and i too have suffered anxiety over it - but this month i started acupuncture and it has helped me so much to just relax. WE are lucky we have the option of IVF this is what i tell myself, alot of people out there cannot afford it so at least we are trying everything we can Farmgirl.
    I also know that the hormones are not helping you right now - so just try to be kind to yourself. It is such a long hard journey for some of us - but i truly believe we come out the other end as better people some how. I too am on the 2ww - had a expanded blastocsyt transferred yesterday my BT is on 21st. I so that you get your BFP this month and just want to send you a just remember you are not alone.

  7. #7

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    Hi all,
    Thanks everyone - it means so much to get such great responses and support - thanks.

    I got a BFN POAS this morning, so I figure that I'm still a long way away from getting back into a better space, but at least knowing that I can set my mind on the next cycle rather than the horrible TWW and guessing game. The stats have got to fall our way at some stage .

    belle - I'm sorry that i made you cry - i did not mean to upset anyone. Hope that the great responses here help you as well.

    Janet - good luck to you and your friend - hope that you both get your BFP soon.


    Miss C - thanks for all your practical suggestions. I cried at your description of how you cope with pg people and small children - you are an amazingly strong woman!

    To everyone else - thanks so much.
    FG

  8. #8

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    Oh Babe
    If AF is not here it is not over sweet and hang in there (I know easy for me to say)
    Hunny I grew up in Regional Vic and I know they all seem to be Pg with no issues sigh if I can help I am always here.

    Where abouts are you? Maybe can hook you up with some good places/people

  9. #9

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    Feb 2006
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    Geelong, Vic
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    I hear you loud and clear farm girl!
    We also moved from Melb to the country and thought that once the kids come along the mums groups and primary school etc will help us make friends in this new town. 3 years on, and still no kids and no friendship network to speak of. DH works in family business and I work in Melb (only 1 hour drive - not 8!) so our contact with the community is limited. Our only friends' in this town are related and they all have kids. I even took a second job as a swimming teacher to try to meet people, but teaching cutie little kids to swim was just torture (didn't think the idea through very clearly did I!). during the 2Ww it is the hardest.

    Anyway, just thought I would let you know, i feel exactly the same.

  10. #10

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    Hi K1,
    And I thought that country towns were meant to be nice and friendly...I am seriously thinking of learning to play netball (which at 31yrs old may be a challenge) - just to meet people, which for a huge introvert such as myself is almost too terrifying to contemplate!

    Wow on your job choice - what a brave thing to do, and I really dont know how you stick it out! I hope that it does reward you with some good friendships.

    I hate the 2ww up here - there is no where to hid - I cant even take myself off into town for retail therapy as the shopowners etc are way to familiar and you cant have a quiet cry somewhere and not be noticed by someone you will see next week!

    Good luck K1 - I hope that everything works out for you soon. It is very hard being in the country and going through this, esp when you just feel so alone. Good luck.
    FG

    PS - tiggerlinda - thanks for your kind thoughts FYI we are up near Wodonga, NE Vic.

  11. #11

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    FG and K1

    DH's family are in Woodonga and around he grew up in Mitta Mitta

    Hope things get better

  12. #12

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    Rural England
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    Hey FG,

    I've been thinking about you and hope you're doing ok, and feeling a little better.

    I know how hard it must be - little country towns in the UK when you first move there seem to be the same in terms of support!

    Good on you for thinking about joining a team - I can imagine how hard that must be when you're feeling really fragile and you feel shy on top of that, generally. I really hope it gives you a social connection and a distraction that you need.

    Hope you're doing ok for now.

    Lots of hugs,

    Miss C

  13. #13

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    Vic
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    Hi Miss C,
    Thanks for all your thoughts

    Things are going ok - work has got sooooo mad that not having a social life is not such a bad thing at the moment - plus my DH was wonderful over the long weekend and took a day to drive me up to a friends place about 2 1/2 hrs from us so I could spend a day catching up with her - it was soooo nice!

    Hope all is going well in the UK! Good luck over there.

    FG

  14. #14

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    May 2008
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    Queensland, Australia
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    Hi Farmgirl,

    I totally agree with Lissie, the hormones can magnify everything you do. I am back on IVF on my first FET cycle. I have been through hell and back with IVF, but do perserve and hang in there.

    Lots of love and kisses.

    Bindy

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