Friends and Family Supporting LTTTCers

[BloominRoses]

*Pregnancy Warning*

I, too, feel at a loss as to what to say to my LTTC best friend (I'll call her BF to keep it shorter) and I feel like it's tearing our friendship apart.

Our partners are brothers - but we were BFs before that, ever since I moved to Australia - and when she kept falling pregnant and then miscarrying before 8 weeks, I was the one who went to every appt, every hospital visit, etc... taking off work to do so although her DP didn't feel it was serious enough to do the same. Each time I cried with her, held her hand, wrapped us both in flannel pj's and basically moved into her house, brushing both my career and own responsibilities aside.

I fell pregnant somewhat accidentally just over 3 months ago - we weren't trying but we weren't not trying if that makes sense. I was about to turn 34 and just assumed that my first child would take much longer to conceive. DP and I were quiet about it as he comes from a large Italian family on one side and we didn't want 19 people calling and dropping in every day to see what was going on. Plus I had seen how they all jumped on my BF during each of her pregnancies: it was full-on with a house full of people, champagne, gifts, etc when she was only 5 weeks pregnant at the most.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I actually took 3 tests on Valentine's Day while her and her DP were at my house as I was convinced I was just late. They came back BFP and BF seemed absolutely joyful. I, however, had seen her agony just recently and just wouldn't believe they were correct until confirmed by Dr. She was ecstatic though at the thought of being an Auntie.

That's changed now though although she refuses to admit it and I don't know what to do. I had read in a book about how the UTD friend/family member should immediately have a chat to the LTTC'er to explain that out of respect for her I would only speak about when asked, would be respectful, etc. I did that at 6 weeks and she kept on insisting she was fine, wanted to be there for the birth, and she thought that maybe only when I was starting to show it would be a problem but she promised to be open with her feelings and let me know. Sounded lovely but better in theory than in practice.

I've had to endure her DP yelling at me at a gathering of our friends about how we're "stupid" for not buying a house yet if we're having a baby, despite the fact that I already own 3 back home in North America and don't feel the need to buy one here yet as I love our rental house and it's much nicer/bigger/in a better location than anything we could comfortably afford to buy. Oh - and he owns one only because his grandparents gave it to him and are allowing him to pay off the house price interest-free, he's way behind in the payments, and the house is maybe 25% in a liveable condition for a baby. Our friends chalked it up to him being drunk and struggling with the fact that we're having a baby, but his ranting about things has continued on and on at other times to the point where I now completely avoid him altogether. Sad as he was one of my best male friends and I miss him.

My BF and her DF smoke marijuana every day and despite what others may believe about it not being addictive, I can safely vouch after watching them that it must be. They also considered their deep fryer their best friend in the kitchen. No veggies or fruit in that house: BF considers chips and gravy a complete meal. No oral hygiene for either of them either. (God, I'm starting to wonder how in the hell we ended up close in the first place). The miscarriage clinic tested them both after her 3rd one and couldn't come up with any thing that could be preventing them from conceiving but advised BF to stop smoking weed and cigarettes, eat healthy - or even just attempt to introduce these foods to her 'diet', and go see a bloody dentist for the first time in 25 years. Has she? No.

It's gotten to the point where when she calls me - as she just did for the 2nd time today immediately before I came in here to write this - that she doesn't even ask me how I'm doing. Not even baby-wise, just in general. I say "hello" and I may as well put the phone down and walk away. She wouldn't notice.

The final straw is that I had my NT scan last Wednesday and she asked me to let her know how it went when I got out. So I waited an hour and then sent a msg to her and my other friends with a generic update, sending a more detailed one to the others later throughout the day. She called me on her break, tried to start an argument with me about the number of scans and at how many weeks pg women have when I let her know that my next one was scheduled for 20wks. "Why do you need one then? No one needs one then. You don't have your next one until 24wks. You're just going overboard". I told her gently that after the spotting I had 2wks ago, I just wanted to have a happy day enjoying the fact that my Sprout was ok. She then began to rant about issues her and DF are having with DF's father about their upcoming wedding, trying to get me to take sides and get involved, etc until I excused myself off of the phone and cried my eyes out. So much for my happy day.

I'm sooooo frustrated - to the point where I'm starting to stop sympathising with her plight and I hate myself for it. Part of me just wants to scream my lungs out at her: about her and DF's hypocrisy and maybe if they stopped smoking so much dope they'd have a better chance at getting pregnant (not sure if that's true or not but it sure can't be helping the cause). She lives less than a 5min walk away and we've gone from seeing each other at least once a day to not seeing each for at least a week at a time. She hasn't seen my scan DVD or my little popped belly - I can understand why she may not want to but part of me still gets a bit angry about it; she doesn't ask me how I'm doing, even generally; and I'm not sure if she has always been like this and I just failed to see it or if I'm being over-sensitive while hopped up on pg hormones.

I honestly don't know what to do and I'm such a stubborn girl myself at times that I'm afraid it's going to get to the point where I just remove myself away from her completely.

Sorry I'm rambling and this has turned into such a rant. I'm just stuck and heartbroken and part of me is just really so angry. I feel closer to people on BB than I do to my own BF anymore. I'm even relating more to the LTTC'ers on here as I know they're genuinely taking steps to improve their chances whilst BF and DF just whine and complain but continue to live in a very unhealthy way.

DP tries to be supportive to me but his response is always just to avoid confrontation and ignore them which is sometimes easier said than done. The sad thing is that I've always been adamant about removing toxic people from my life and it's reaching the point where I'm worried she's one of them.

Have I just been blind this whole friendship or can I just chalk this up to her LTTC frustration? Is she even considered LTTC when she's basically unwilling to do anything to help her chances?

Sorry for my incoherent rambling. I'm just trying to type through tears and really need some guidance as to what to do.
Shari xo

[briggsy's girl]

** Warning PG mentioned **
Shari - sorry to say this, but your friend's issues aren't about LTTTC - her reactions (and her DP's) aren't typical of a long termer - there are many other issues in there. as much as you've tried, i will, as a long termer, step up and say you can't help them any more if they aren't willing to help themselves! it really does sound like she is a toxic person as you mentioned, and as much as there may be some jealousy from her that she hasn't succeeded in taking a pg further than she has, she also needs to take responsibility for her own actions and stop taking things out on you

as to her comments re scans - sorry - but she has NFI! the ONLY scan that is considered a must is the morphology scan, which they do between 18 and 22 weeks - NOT at 24 weeks. she's talking out her butt. obviously she thinks cos she has had early losses, she knows everthing - and she doesn't. your next scan will be around the 20 week mark (give or take) and between now and then you need to surround yourself with positivity support wise.

as hard as it is, you have to STOP assuming her behaviour is related to LTTTC and start assuming it is just HER. you've done all you can within your power to try to do the right thing by her and she has crapped on you. you deserve better than that!

i can't say whether your friend is or isn't defined as LTTTC - it's a fine line - but given her refusal to help herself in anyway, i'd be reluctant to classify her LTTTC in the same way i would someone who has gone through the hell of facing their issues, changing lifestyle, subjecting to tests, treatment etc. but that is more working on what i have read here kwim??

i guess i just want to remind all those trying to support someone that is LTTTC that you CANNOT support them to the point where it is detrimental to your OWN health, well being, happiness in your pregnancy. it's fantastic that you want to be there and support your friend, but at the same time, you also need to embrace what you have or you will never be truly happy and you will end up resenting the person who IS LTTTC - i really hope that makes sense. from my POV, as a Long Termer - i don't expect those more fortunate than me to quash their own happiness to protect me - i just ask that they understand my journey and respect me when i can't participate in their happiness at a particular time kwim??

[Tegam]

** Warning Pg mentioned **


WOW Shari! I hope that the rant helped my dear, that is the exact reason i asked this thread to be started. Sometimes like everything you just need to vent! But because this is such a tough subject for so many people, we often deny ourselves the chance to guilt free rant!

Your BF sounds like she had many issues and BG is so right in what she says, you cant support her in something she is not even supporting herself with....

Depending on my mood babe i am with you on both sides...I can agree with just wanting to yell at her and tell her how silly she is in saying she wants a baby but not doing ANYTHING with her smoking and diet. On the other hand i can see why its just better that you remove yourself slowly.

I would go with the 2nd option most of the time, maybe try phoning someone supportive when you would normally have called her. If she ever askes why - tell her the truth.

YOUR pregnancy is AMAZING, SPECIAL and JOYFUL, you should love every minute of it! Turn off your phone on scan days so you can just be with your baby!

Please write in this thread whenever you need to and understand we know how you are feeling!

[Baby Dreamtime]

Hi ladies,
I just wanted to say a very big thank you for starting this thread. I must admit half way through I was getting a bit pi**ed thinking 'some of you are so lucky not to struggle with TTC, how can you know' but I have really had a good think about it and it has changed my perspective on a few things. For starters I am coming up to 4.5 years TTC, have been of late very bitter and twisted and struggling to over come what is now my number one obsession. Trying to chill and not let it control my life. This has been very difficult. At the same time all this has been going on, along with having already done 3 cycles this year all with a BFN, my SIL fell pregnant first month trying, only to announce she is having triplets. I was/am devastated and have had a really hard time getting used to this, I am so jealous and angry and feel it is so unfair. BUT...I am trying to deal with it and realise it is nothing to do with me and that for her, this is really the biggest of miracles. My only saving grace is that (I hope) I have never made her feel bad and have always been super positive when speaking with her. And she has been so kind not to talk about it over much and sort of avoid the topic, I know she is doing this to save my feelings. I guess what I am saying is that I should be really thankful she is also taking my feelings into consideration, and in this I am really lucky, it could have been so much worse.

Thanks again for putting a different perspective forward. xx

[Tegam]

Baby Dreamtime: Thanks so much for your post. Its such a hard subject to talk about but hopefully having somewhere on here where everyone can vent will help us all be better friends to one another.

The moment she mentioned she was pregnant and then the triplets, it must have torn your heart out. But also know that it probably out her through the ringer trying to find a way to do it without upsetting you!

Hoping that you too get the chance to fulfill all your dreams! Hugs and huge support being sent your way!!!!!!!

[BloominRoses]

***Warning - Pregnancy talk***

Yes Tegam, finally getting most of it off of my chest helped in a HUGE way. Sometimes it seems easier just to gracefully nod my head and patiently accept all of the crap being flung my way, but pregnant or not, the same Shari still exists inside and a part of me just wants to grab her by the shoulders and shake some sense into her while sticking up for myself.

There's just no winning on this one so I have decided to follow both BG's advice and my heart and just remove myself gently for awhile. I still haven't seen her and each phone call I've received since my original post has continued along the same way as before: not one "how are you?", "what are you up to?", nothing. Just a "hello" from me and then listening to her launch into whatever rampage she's on at the moment. It's actually turned into a bit of a joke between DP and I: how many phone calls will it take before/if she asks me how I'm doing. Currently up to 14 at the moment.

I've essentially given up for the time being and am going to focus on my first pregnancy and sharing updates, etc with those around me who can even bother to feign interest and support. When I calmed down somewhat after my post and then reading BG's response, I bought a fetal doppler online which came in the mail yesterday so I've been listening to the Sprout's heartbeat when I've needed a lift. I can't continue to let her smudge what should be the happiest time of my life.

Thank you again for your great advice ladies - it definitely helped me to put things in perspective and reinforced to me what I guess I knew somewhere deep down.

Shari xo

[Tegam]

Pregnancy warning!!!!

***Warning - Pregnancy talk***


There's just no winning on this one

Woohoo for coming to this conclusion so quickly! This could have taken so much longer and every second you worried about this was a minute you missed out on a happy moment with your bubby...

I hope that the rest of your pregnancy is H & H!

Now the main thing to focus on now (after your baby) is not to feel guilty about removing yourself from that friendship. Yes you friend needs support at the moment, but that just cant be you! Take time for yourself and focus on all your supportive friends. Friendship is a two way street