Friends and Family Supporting LTTTCers

[briggsy's girl]

** Warning PG mentioned **
Shari - sorry to say this, but your friend's issues aren't about LTTTC - her reactions (and her DP's) aren't typical of a long termer - there are many other issues in there. as much as you've tried, i will, as a long termer, step up and say you can't help them any more if they aren't willing to help themselves! it really does sound like she is a toxic person as you mentioned, and as much as there may be some jealousy from her that she hasn't succeeded in taking a pg further than she has, she also needs to take responsibility for her own actions and stop taking things out on you

as to her comments re scans - sorry - but she has NFI! the ONLY scan that is considered a must is the morphology scan, which they do between 18 and 22 weeks - NOT at 24 weeks. she's talking out her butt. obviously she thinks cos she has had early losses, she knows everthing - and she doesn't. your next scan will be around the 20 week mark (give or take) and between now and then you need to surround yourself with positivity support wise.

as hard as it is, you have to STOP assuming her behaviour is related to LTTTC and start assuming it is just HER. you've done all you can within your power to try to do the right thing by her and she has crapped on you. you deserve better than that!

i can't say whether your friend is or isn't defined as LTTTC - it's a fine line - but given her refusal to help herself in anyway, i'd be reluctant to classify her LTTTC in the same way i would someone who has gone through the hell of facing their issues, changing lifestyle, subjecting to tests, treatment etc. but that is more working on what i have read here kwim??

i guess i just want to remind all those trying to support someone that is LTTTC that you CANNOT support them to the point where it is detrimental to your OWN health, well being, happiness in your pregnancy. it's fantastic that you want to be there and support your friend, but at the same time, you also need to embrace what you have or you will never be truly happy and you will end up resenting the person who IS LTTTC - i really hope that makes sense. from my POV, as a Long Termer - i don't expect those more fortunate than me to quash their own happiness to protect me - i just ask that they understand my journey and respect me when i can't participate in their happiness at a particular time kwim??

[Tegam]

** Warning Pg mentioned **


WOW Shari! I hope that the rant helped my dear, that is the exact reason i asked this thread to be started. Sometimes like everything you just need to vent! But because this is such a tough subject for so many people, we often deny ourselves the chance to guilt free rant!

Your BF sounds like she had many issues and BG is so right in what she says, you cant support her in something she is not even supporting herself with....

Depending on my mood babe i am with you on both sides...I can agree with just wanting to yell at her and tell her how silly she is in saying she wants a baby but not doing ANYTHING with her smoking and diet. On the other hand i can see why its just better that you remove yourself slowly.

I would go with the 2nd option most of the time, maybe try phoning someone supportive when you would normally have called her. If she ever askes why - tell her the truth.

YOUR pregnancy is AMAZING, SPECIAL and JOYFUL, you should love every minute of it! Turn off your phone on scan days so you can just be with your baby!

Please write in this thread whenever you need to and understand we know how you are feeling!

[Baby Dreamtime]

Hi ladies,
I just wanted to say a very big thank you for starting this thread. I must admit half way through I was getting a bit pi**ed thinking 'some of you are so lucky not to struggle with TTC, how can you know' but I have really had a good think about it and it has changed my perspective on a few things. For starters I am coming up to 4.5 years TTC, have been of late very bitter and twisted and struggling to over come what is now my number one obsession. Trying to chill and not let it control my life. This has been very difficult. At the same time all this has been going on, along with having already done 3 cycles this year all with a BFN, my SIL fell pregnant first month trying, only to announce she is having triplets. I was/am devastated and have had a really hard time getting used to this, I am so jealous and angry and feel it is so unfair. BUT...I am trying to deal with it and realise it is nothing to do with me and that for her, this is really the biggest of miracles. My only saving grace is that (I hope) I have never made her feel bad and have always been super positive when speaking with her. And she has been so kind not to talk about it over much and sort of avoid the topic, I know she is doing this to save my feelings. I guess what I am saying is that I should be really thankful she is also taking my feelings into consideration, and in this I am really lucky, it could have been so much worse.

Thanks again for putting a different perspective forward. xx

[Tegam]

Baby Dreamtime: Thanks so much for your post. Its such a hard subject to talk about but hopefully having somewhere on here where everyone can vent will help us all be better friends to one another.

The moment she mentioned she was pregnant and then the triplets, it must have torn your heart out. But also know that it probably out her through the ringer trying to find a way to do it without upsetting you!

Hoping that you too get the chance to fulfill all your dreams! Hugs and huge support being sent your way!!!!!!!

[BloominRoses]

***Warning - Pregnancy talk***

Yes Tegam, finally getting most of it off of my chest helped in a HUGE way. Sometimes it seems easier just to gracefully nod my head and patiently accept all of the crap being flung my way, but pregnant or not, the same Shari still exists inside and a part of me just wants to grab her by the shoulders and shake some sense into her while sticking up for myself.

There's just no winning on this one so I have decided to follow both BG's advice and my heart and just remove myself gently for awhile. I still haven't seen her and each phone call I've received since my original post has continued along the same way as before: not one "how are you?", "what are you up to?", nothing. Just a "hello" from me and then listening to her launch into whatever rampage she's on at the moment. It's actually turned into a bit of a joke between DP and I: how many phone calls will it take before/if she asks me how I'm doing. Currently up to 14 at the moment.

I've essentially given up for the time being and am going to focus on my first pregnancy and sharing updates, etc with those around me who can even bother to feign interest and support. When I calmed down somewhat after my post and then reading BG's response, I bought a fetal doppler online which came in the mail yesterday so I've been listening to the Sprout's heartbeat when I've needed a lift. I can't continue to let her smudge what should be the happiest time of my life.

Thank you again for your great advice ladies - it definitely helped me to put things in perspective and reinforced to me what I guess I knew somewhere deep down.

Shari xo

[Tegam]

Pregnancy warning!!!!

***Warning - Pregnancy talk***


There's just no winning on this one

Woohoo for coming to this conclusion so quickly! This could have taken so much longer and every second you worried about this was a minute you missed out on a happy moment with your bubby...

I hope that the rest of your pregnancy is H & H!

Now the main thing to focus on now (after your baby) is not to feel guilty about removing yourself from that friendship. Yes you friend needs support at the moment, but that just cant be you! Take time for yourself and focus on all your supportive friends. Friendship is a two way street

[Poncho]

Okay, I've got a question about Mother's Day.

I've got a really dear friend who's been through a few failed IVF cycles. She doesn't really talk about it too much (I missed that stage of her life), and I don't think she's going back. She fosters a baby though (and may be able to adopt).

I'd love to be able to acknowledge her on Mother's Day, because she is a mother figure to this baby - but is that insensitive to her infertility? I'm leaning towards getting her a card or flowers, because of her wonderful care of this bub who may or may not one day be hers...but I don't want to aggravate any hurt.

What do you think?

[sushee]

I personally would be incredibly touched by an acknowledgement of my mothering of a foster child, despite being LTTTC. A mother comes in many forms, and I believe that is one of them.

But that's my personal opinion.

[infinity]

Head Poncho this sounds like a lovely thing to do. Personally being a LTTTC and the pain of missing out on all those little things that come with being a mother it would be wonderful to receive something as 'normal' as a mothers day card IKYWIM? Your friend is a mother to this child and for you to acknoweldge that will probably mean a lot to her. I do not think in any way are being insensitive to her infertility.

[Tegam]

A mother comes in many forms, and I believe that is one of them..

Id send her the card!

You are a good friend to think of this

[Poncho]

Thanks heaps guys. xo

[Maruschke]

I have a question for the LTTTC'ers. I understand that there probably isnt a uniform response to this question but...

I find the scientific aspect of IVF fascinating. It is hurtful or annoying when people ask you questions about IVF (but not about your cycle in particular). So I am not asking them how their cycle went or where they are up to, but just general questions that I had no idea about, such as...

When they do an ET, can they implant it straight into the lining (I now know that they don't).

It's not like I just come out of the blue and ask these kind of questions, I try to remain sensitive and only ask when I think that they are comfortable, but sometimes I hope that the question doesn't come across the wrong way.

[sushee]

Some people are more comfortable talking about it than others. I am very open about it and will bombard any stranger who asks with every TMI detail I bet they didn't want to know!

I suggest taking the person's cue. Perhaps say something like 'I really know nothing about IVF, but would love to learn more about it' and see if they volunteer information?

[Maruschke]

Good idea. I guess I try to do that already, but was curious about how people felt about it. Thanks Sushee .

[briggsy's girl]

oscar - i'm another like Sushee that will give people details if they ask. i tend to find it takes the stigma of infertility away if i'm open about it... it does't seem so scary (for me or for them) if i talk in facts about what happens. i did this with the BIG boss at work when i was negotiating changing hours to fit treatment and things - he asked, i said "how much detail do you want?" and then gave it to him as it was.

some people find talking about the process hard - for some, it's based on it being their earlier cycles and they themselves are still learning - for others, it's something they choose not to discuss as it makes it more public - and then there are those of us that just figure that educating people will help them to understand when we're having a bad day and hopefully mean that those bad days aren't made worse by ignorance... it just means they get it a little more and don't hold it against me if i'm in a different headspace...

[Tegam]

I find the scientific aspect of IVF fascinating.

Im with you! I am learning heaps here on BB and think that atleast this way only those that want to talk will answer

I find it hard to talk about it with my closest friends/family LTTTCers as one day they are open and happy to talk about it, and then another day i feel that i have totally said the wrong thing. Even if it is continuing a conversation that they started.

[sushee]

I'll be the first to admit that when I was right in the middle of it, I had good days and bad days too. Very bad, very dark days, in fact. The longer I was TTC, the more of those days I had too. Days when I not only didn't want to talk about my cycles, I didn't want to talk, period. Not about anything. Not to anyone.

It was such a difficult thing, being infertile. It still is, despite me having 'graduated' over 3 years ago, and having no desire to have more children. Sometimes there is nothing you can do or nothing you can say that will be okay to someone going through this, and that's the honest truth. There is no magic set of words that will be 'just right'. Sometimes no such words even exist.

The best advice I can give when you find yourself in that position is to not take it to heart if you can. I know it's hard and it's awfully confusing and difficult for you to be put in that position. But the only way I can explain it is that the sadness is so consuming sometimes, it's hard for an LTTTC to be 'polite' and smile and talk naturally when all they feel is despair. Just know that they need their space, and they will return to you when they feel better. And that in the back of the minds, they appreciate the good friend you are simply for understanding.

hun. And you ARE a good friend.