Furious at a magazine article

[Baby Bliss]

What irritates me is that this fertile has made it all about HER. Some women ARE smug and do act as though the world should fall at their feet because they are "with child." if thats not her, then she shouldn't feel victimised (!) and all het up.

Its like someone being cut off by a person in a red car and saying "god that bloody idiot in the red car..." and this writer comes along and says "hey I have a red car! How dare they say that about people with red cars!" She has arrogantly made it all about herself.

I was disappointed by the IVM response, only because it sounded apologetic and as though it was soothing Rushby's ruffled feathers. The hurt and anger is valid and should be allowed to be expressed without apology.

Absolutely infuriating. I emailed the editor, made me feel better.

[Baby Bliss]

Perhaps someone can whip up a standard ish letter for others to copy and send off as well, so it comes individually but is also a group effort for those unable to articulate right now.

[briggsy's girl]

it was definitely the more dignified article of the two Sushee - my only problem is that it seems she's justifying and encouraging the belief that IVF is for people that have left it too late. i would doubt that the bulk of IVF'ers are in the game purely because of age related issues...

she's been clear and articulate in her explanation, and has explained WHY it can be hard for us beautifully - i just think there needs to be a whole lot more information out there in mainstream mags about the fact that infertility isn't JUST about age - a passing mention isn't sufficient (IMO)

and yes, the calmness of her reply has just made the fertiliy goddess seem even more pathetic!

[fionas]

OK, I've now read both. I didn't find either educational - both quite superficial. Nothing in either of them that particularly made my blood boil, just quite light on in terms of style and substance.

[Lionfish]

I have just had my 2nd EPU on Thurs and am still recovering, I said to DH yesterday I hope I dont have to go thru this again (due to the pain and discomfort). I most certainly am not doing this because it is "the in thing!" These ladies are ignorant what do they thing IVF is? just take one pill???? I agree with BG this magazine company will NEVER see any of my money EVER!!!!!

[sushee]

I agree that the IVF article was not a fair representation of the facts involved with infertility. But I saw the apologetic tone as ironic, and perhaps that's a product of my experience, but to me, it made the 'fertile' look more foolish and insensitive. But that's just me.

I think if we were to write letters, individual heartfelt ones that clearly explained each of our circumstances would e best, so as to properly represent a cross section of the kinds of women, and the kinds of ferility problems we endure. Yes I agree with fionas that both articles were superficial. If we tell our stories, we have to ensure that they are not superficial.

[collo04]

That article made me see red. Im sure that most of us who have infertility issues would never blame someone for being fertile. Sure we all want to be that person who falls pregnant at the drop of hat but I know from my own experience with all my friends who have no fertility issues I would never dream of taking away from their happiness and luck. I know that I put on a brave front and get excited with them and never let them no how envyous I am of them and then I break down in the privacy of my own home. I ve also learnt that unless you go through it you dont have a hope in hell of understanding what a stress infertility puts on your whole life. Its articles and opinons like these that insights less empathy to our situation. YES I am bloody envious of every pregnant woman out there but its not there fault they can have kids and its not my fault that I cant its just life and to say that we make them feel bad about announcing their pregnancy well we probably do because it makes them think about other peoples feelings and isnt that what life is all about? thinking about others.......... To say that it is the infetiles womans fault for making them feel bad just shows how selfish that person is. All I can say is no one likes a bragger fertile or infertile we are all given challanges but its the dignity in which we undertake and get through these challenges that matters. I would rather be infertile and have the dignity and respect for others than to be a fertile , selfish, incensitive and ignorant individual..........


sorry for my ranting ....... I feel better now

[Jayney]

I just want to say that my heart goes out to women who have to work so very hard to have a little one in their arms. The natural way is the easy way. it doesn't take any thought or commitment. Those who try and try only to require help have a hard road to travel. I am sure that if this woman with such negative opinions could walk one month of the struggle of assisted conception she would feel differently.

How many hearts break each and every month?

How many sacrifice so much for the hope?

[scooby]

Just had to add, that articles like this set us up for even more comments, it not just how the article emotional effects us but the ones that jump on the band wagon, i had a comment from a family member in the middle of my last lot of treatment and subsequent eptopic when i mentioned i had PCOS she repiled "Oh thats really trendy now isnt it i heard vic beckham has it" Yes i did want to tear her throat out. But the point im trying to make is that with comments like "IVF is the new black" they set things up in peoples heads (espicially those with nothing much else going on ) It really is very inappropraite journalism and i know most people with their head screwed on will take it for what it is, but unfortunately there is alot who wont. I'll be writing a letter !!!!

[Feenix]

I am so disgusted by that article that I am almost lost for words. I'm so sorry that it has caused you so much pain Bec, and to the rest of you girls.

It is ignorance... utter ignorance.

[dusty]

i first saw this article last September in the a lifestyles lift out in the Courier Mail newspaper (Qld). i think it was about the time when Jodi's book The Invitro Fertility Goddess was just released in which she does define the world into fertiles and infertiles as a way to cope with all the examples of fertility around her when she was struggling with IVF. i thought then that Allison Rushby's side of the article was ridiculous, immature and pandering to people's ill informed opinions that flare up from time to time about the issue.
sadly it sells papers, magazines and continues the mis-information. i also think Jodi's side of the story/article sounds apologetic as her 'humour' was not received well by some of the press (those with narrow and small brains IMO).

it is cr&p that this magazine chose to republish it, especially as i think the original publication caused a bit of an outcry too (but the Courier-Snail is not really hearty journalism IMO) and there could have been a revisited by both authors of the issues with some hindsight and thought.

grow up and shut up allison. i hope you never have to experience any of what us IVF/IVM etc girls have to, i don't wish it on anyone.

[satya]

I can't believe how ignorant that woman was who wrote that article. Does she seriously believe what she's said???????

I've been trying for a child since I was 28 and here I am at 41 ever inching closer to my dream. I find what she wrote completely offensive. I did not put my career before having a child, nor a house or anything else. I just had unexplained infertility which seems to have sorted itself out now I'm older. I was about to head off to IVF when this bub was conceived and it certainly wasn't something that I would have ever chosen nor expected to ever have to head towards. What a complete and utter idiot.

[briggsy's girl]

sounds pretty good Kim!

here's mine - was just wondering if i should post it for others to read

with reference to your article in recent Woolworths Parenting magazine titled Goddess vs Goddess

normally i let things slide - i read something, i put it down and walk away. i can't do this with your article. it is the most offensive piece of writing i've ever read in my life! i have stewed on this for days - gone from a point of anger where the language i would have used to contact you would have been worse than you'd hear in a Biker's bar. i've gone through digust. now i'm just hurting. i'm hurting that a magazine such as yours, that claims to be a parenting magazine, could print such a vile and offensive article.

i am infertile. i am only 27 years old. i was told i would need help to conceive when i was 17. i have now been actively trying to conceive for three years. i didn't put career first. i didn't leave it too late. i started trying to have a baby when i was "in my prime" - and i continue to try. i have tried naturally, i've tried low dose medication. i've had invasive surgery. i'm now going through IVF - i've been undergoing assisted conception for almost 2 years following testing. i've been pregnant three times in there. i've lost three babies. i've grieved my babies. i've grieved the loss of innocence - i will never conceive "naturally". i've endured humiliating testing, awful procedures. i've spent the best part of the last 18 months on drugs that make me ill. i am medically infertile. that may mean nothing to a large number of people - but i know a hell of a lot of people in the same boat and it means a lot to US.

i don't expect the world to apologise for my situation - you are not at fault for my infertility - but i DO expect that publications would think twice about what they print - would look at the impact it may have on the reader - and wouldn't pring such absolutey offensive filth - you ARE responsible for choosing to print this.

your "infertility goddess" Jodi Panayatov is not a representative of the masses that have been through infertility treatment. Yes, she's outlining her experiences - she was an older woman wanting to become a parent - but she shouldn't be held up as a poster child for infertile women. she herself admits that her "fertility took off to an uncharted destination sometime in her 30's" and is actively encouraging the notion that IVF is required due to AGE related factors. "Factors way beyond their control contribute to the postponing of motherhood, for example finding a partner" - what about those of us that HAVE partners - have been TRYING to have children for years - yes, maybe when it comes my time to have a child i WILL be an older first time parent - but it's not because i've chosen to wait - i am INFERTILE - i WILL NOT fall pregnant without assistance - whether i am 17, 27 or 37 - it's a fact. where was the support for the medically infertile in her article.

The apologetic tone of her article doesn't ring true. Her apology on behalf of those of us going through fertility treatment was hollow - she's tried to justify things on behalf of US - but didn't have the fortitude to actually paint a true picture of who WE are - it was a wasted effort - who is she to think she can offer an explanation of what I am going through - WE are not all the same and she's tried to categorise us all under the same umbrella as hers. it doesn't work

as for your "fertility goddess" - she is not "disgusting fertile" - she is just disgusting! what a self centred, VILE excuse for a human being! Allison Rushby is nothing short of inconsiderate and uneducated - and she makes that MORE than clear in her article. the marginalisation she feels is not a result of her natural fertility - it's purely because she has NO idea how to behave toward other human beings and she's being isolated by her own attitude

comments like "it's now so not the done thing to be fertile" and "apparently IVF is the new black" just show how ignorant and socially clueless she truly is. how can MEDICAL treatment be "trendy"? Does she have even half a clue what an infertile woman goes through - invasive procedures, medications that make you physically ILL - potentially life threatening complications - things that we put ourselves through time and again in the quest to have our families. does she have any IDEA how hard this journey is, how LONG it can take. She found herself "the spring chicken" in the OB's waiting room at "the grand old age of 29" - WOW - how lucky for her. Did she bother to find out WHY so many of the people there were older than her? or did she automatically ASSUME that it was because they'd all left their run too late? did she even CONSIDER that those individuals may have been trying to have a family for YEARS?

how TERRIBLE for her to "stand by and watch" as her girlfriend kept her pregnancy secret our of respect to her sister-in-law. She can frame it however she wants to make it seem like it was expected - but the reality is pretty clear. she's trying to make a situation of respect by her friend seem like a traumati experience. Pathetic effort. She obviously has no idea what respect is - or how to employ it.

Her comments regarding still birth and multiple miscarriage are nothing short of cruel and heartless - saying that the loss of a child is "so, so sad" is pathetic - it comes across as sarcastic, used in such an off the cuff way when describing such a tragic occurence.

i don't believe the naturally fertile are "ignorant to my plight" - i believe they don't entirely understand because they've never experienced this - the same as i don't understand how it feels to lose a limb. i don't expect them to know the in's and out's of treatment, or to know what i'm feeling all the time. i don't expect them to hide their bumps, or to keep their children locked away. i DO expect them to show me respect. When i choose to not be a part of something that will involve children, have a heart, realise it's about ME and how I choose to cope - not about YOU and making you feel guilty for having children

i have never even thought about SMUG parents - and to be honeest, i don't believe your "fertility goddess" is a smug parent. i think she's an ignorant and cruel shadow of a human. She's not a smug PARENT - she's just a smug, ill-informed, un-educated and self-promoting ***** who's attained her five minutes of fame at the expense of those of us unfortunate enought to be infertile. i don't ask her to apologise for being fertile - i EXPECT her to apologise for being cruel

this article has made it clear to me - i will NEVER purchase a Woolworths branded magazine - or any other that i am aware your company publish. i will actively BOYCOTT your sponsors. i will let it be known to all that i know, what a pathetic excuse of an article this is - your magazine is a PARENTING magazine - did you not think, for even a minute, that IVF leads to parenthood? that people would read this having been through this horrendous journey? that it wouldn't hurt them? this message is being forwarded to representatives at each of the major sponsors of this excuse of a magazine. you may simply hit delete and not bother to read - as may they - but i have a voice - i'm not afraid to use it - it WILL be known that your magazine carries such hurtful trash - you will never see a cent of my money

I am infertile - but i still exist. i don't WANT respect - i DESERVE it.

[paradise lost]

Oh wonderful! Another false opposition in womanhood set up by some stupid magazine. Don't you know, there's only so much righteous in the world and you'd better pick the RIGHT side to be on quick or you'll miss out! FFS.....

The "Natural" article is terrible. Journalistically, ideologically and morally it is completely flawed. Also, watching her friend not tell anyone - she told HER though right? Or how would she have known to be so insulted and agonised by the whole thing? So what we're talking about is her friend not telling the SIL, so that the SIL's IVF round wasn't made even more difficult. Or maybe she told EVERYONE when she was 22 weeks because it's no-one else's damn business and the author was upset that there was no parade to be in...? And who has made her apologise for her fertility? Does she visit paraplegics in hospital to show them her jogging? Or go sit with diabetics to show them how HER blood sugars are stable even after a marsbar? She makes it sound as if people are having IVF as an alternative to sex or something, as if people are choosing it out of fashion.

THe IVF article to be honest sounds like an apology for the book she mentions. It sounds like she wrote some things in the book when she was very angry that she now apologises for, which is why her tone was like that. She definitely came across as more dignified but she also came across as a writer, the natural woman sounds like the transcript of some thicko in a supermarket car park holding forth about her only marketable skill (hardworking ovaries? Great, do they build cars or design software or cure cancer?). I know that sounds really harsh but i am pretty angry to be represented, as woman with (thus far, *knocks on wood*) no need for IVF, by her drivel.

On the other hand that "women who flaunt their pregnant bellies, you know who you are" statement worries me too. Who flaunts their belly? Did i flaunt mine? I know couples having fertility treatment IRL as well as on here (the difference between me and them? They have fertility issues. That was caused by...? NOTHING, it's just terrible luck for them and brilliant luck for me, there is no fundamental moral, intellectual, ideological or social reasons for it) and when i was PG i tried to tell them a) not in the middle of a round of treatment, if they were keeping me informed on that aspect of life, which some chose not to, and b) when we were alone so they didn't have to be "on show" and hide how they felt. Some were happy but i'm sure cried later, some were openly sad for them while being happy for me, some seemed genuinely happy for me both then and throughout the pregnancy. In my part i tried to be true to my feelings. I didn't pretend i'd done any miraculous feat by getting or being pregnant that they somehow couldn't or wouldn't do, nor did i pretend i was less happy than i was. I hope i didn't flaunt it, but i know after my miscarriages the women who flaunted it, if i'm honest with myself, were often just minding their own business and it was my interpretation that hurt me, not their behaviour. I think that's what this woman (IVF) was trying to say too.

How much more opposition can we as women take!? Soon there will be magazines wirtten only for IVFers who had natural births but bottle-feed, use cloth nappies, and would never use daycare except family daycare. FFS - blonde vs brunette, tall vs short, fat vs thin, IVF vs natural, c-section vs vaginal, drugs vs no drugs, BF vs FF, 'sposies vs cloth, Working mum vs SAHM, homeschool vs stateschool...

Must EVERY BLOODY THING that happens to us in life be analysed minutely to see what it says about us as people and then used to set us up against people to whom different things happened?!

Bx

[briggsy's girl]

well, i got brave and hit the send button - i cc'd the advertisers for whom i could find an email address, copied it to the online pro-formas of those that didn't - the only one i couldn't address it too was the IVF author - her webpage only allowed 1000 characters...

[mrsmac]

Brilliant replies BG and Kim I hope the magazine is flooded with them.

[Hollybolly]

Here's mine, its a big one but oh well

"Dear Editor,

My letter comes in response to the article in your magazine 'Goddess V Goddess', by Allison Rushby, recently published in your latest issue.

As someone who has been on both sides of this article, I would like to share a few things with you and express my disappointment and insult to this piece in your magazine.

I'm 30 years old, have a son who is 9yrs old, and, by all aspects of Ms Rushby's 'ideals' as to parenthood, fitted quite nicely within the 'Right Time' to conceive my child - early to mid 20's.

I had absolutely no trouble conceiving - 'disgustingly fertile' shall we even say? - However, had many complications during childbirth, and ultimately, have been left with secondary fertility due to poor hospital procedure and contracting a uterine infection from my emergency ceasarean section that failed to be detected by numerous medical professionals.

My intent in this letter of complaint is not to cry 'Poor Me' - But to speak as a voice for those of us who are not 'fortunate enough' to be blessed with being 'disgustingly fertile'.

This article, in my opinion, is nothing more than an obvious display of the common phrase - 'Never judge a man unless you have walked a mile in his shoes.'

Clearly this article has been written by a woman that truly is just so ignorant of anyone else that is not in her position - And whilst her ignorance of not only writing this article and publishing it - Let alone attaching her name for all to see - should be enough embarrassment on her behalf for me to let it be - I turn my direction to both yourself, and the magazine that you represent.

I question to what extent of integrity you aspire your 'parenting' magazine to have - And as to how close you think that an article such as this one brings you toward reaching this goal?

From all aspects, journalistically or otherwise, this piece falls short of nothing but to have claimed the prize for the most arrogant, ignorant, self indulgent and pathetic piece of writing that I have had to read in my life.
Both yourself as the editor that passed this piece to be published, and the magazine for whom you represent should be disgusted - And Ms Rushby should be utterly ashamed of 'her work' in this instance.

As a woman who has endured 6 years, many cycles of IVF and to this point, no success for another child, let me just say that we 'Infertility Goddesses' could not want anything further from what Ms Rushby is presuming.

We do not require the sympathy that is outlined that we are asking for when she speaks of 'Her friend that had to keep her pregnancy a secret so as not to upset her sister in law going through an IVF cycle at the time.'

Speaking on our behalf - And I say 'our' because Ms Rushby has so graciously put us into our own 'category' - This situation could not be far enough from the truth.

I do not blame the 'disgustingly fertile' woman because she is able to do something that at this point I simply cannot - Nor do I even hold blame to the profession that put me in this circumstance.
Such is life - You deal with what you're dealt, and so we strive forward in our plight towards what we are all so desperate to acheive - Yet I am yet to meet a woman in my 'category' that would take comfort in the fact that another woman is hiding her pregnancy because of her situation.

My struggle with infertility over the past 6 years has taught me nothing but to honestly see what a blessing pregnancy and children truly are - I have become even more empathetic than I ever believed possible - And at no time throughout this journey have I ever wanted another person to pity my situation, or tip toe around me for sake of 'sparing my feelings'.

Ms Rushby's 'poor me' take on this section of her article is particluarly worth mentioning as she could not be further from the truth.
Whats humourous is that, ironically, she has put her 'category' - The 'disgustingly fertile' women of the world, into a victim situation of their own as she whines that they should not have to hide their pregnancies so as to spare us unlucky ones the pain... I wonder how hard that must be, being a little selfless and considering the feelings of others less fortunate than herself?

I also question how many 'disgustingly fertile' women Ms Rushby has insulted, also, as she acts as a voice for them all, as I am sure that all 'disgustingly fertile' women would not have the same level of ignorance nor lack of compassion that she displays.

What is ironic, also, is the ever present referrals to the Mercedes, and to the mortgage;

"Perhaps if we spent as much time planning our families as we spend planning our mortgages, we wouldn?t be in this mess."

When I had my child - and had my fertility - I also had a mortgage.
Six years of continuous IVF treatment and the costs involved forced my husband & I to realise that we could not cope with both a mortgage and the financial committment that IVF demands.
And so, we sacrifice something. Our house has now been sold, we live in a rented home... and our plight of IVF continues.
Strangely enough, we also do not own a Mercedes.

I wonder how many sub categories of 'Infertility Goddesses' Ms Rushby must believe there to be?
Or perhaps this fact wasn't taken into consideration as she wrote her article, had it published, and read it with pride as it was distributed throughout every major shopping centre in the country?

Lastly, I am curious as to who has made Ms Rushby have to 'apologise for her fertility' ?
To whom has she had to apologise to?

Ms Rushby's quote - 'IVF is the new black' - has made it sound as though women seeking IVF are doing so because it is the 'Newest thing to do'.
Like its a choice - Thousands of dollars, thousands of hormones, manipulation of the human body, risk of serious medical side effects, and after all of this, waiting to see if it has even worked - And then to deal with the repercussions of failure in many instances..... Yes, this seems a much better way to have a child as opposed to having intercourse.....

Well it must be, its the new black. EVERYBODY'S doing it.

I ask for no pity, nor do I ask for anyone to apologise for my situation - I will do what I can with what I have.
I will also continue to live through each day without the necessity of blaming others or complaining about others in different situations to that of my own.

My question to Ms Rushby, is she able to do this also?

I do, however, ask of your magazine that you consider the nature that this article was written, the level of ignorance and self indulgence that was required by the author - and then question yourselves as to whether this is something that you consider worthy enough to represent your magazine.

I truly believe that both the 'Infertility Goddesses' and the 'Fertility Goddesses' deserve a little more credibility - and I truly believe that Ms Rushby's voice or opinion could not be further from that of what most fertile women hold.

This article is both a disgrace and an embarrassment for all of the women that parenting represents, on any level - And your public and your customers deserve so very, very much more."




And now I'm going to have a glass of wine.
Or two

[mrsmac]

Holly I am standing up and applauding you. That was a brilliant piece of writing.