How do I accept that this is my journey?

I mean, I'm here... I'm living it, I'm having the tests, the operations, the dealing with the pain... And yet, I'm struggling with dealing with it all.

I'm absolutely devastated that on Monday I have to go back for more tests. Another new Dr, another person looking at my nether regions.

I just don't know how to keep going. I'm feeling so tired, so negative, just so down about everything.

DH and I had a good talk this morning and he mentioned that for the last 6 months he's noticed that whenever he suggested we go somewhere or go to a friends place, I've not been excited about going, only seeing the negative.

He said that I need to realize the no one is judging me or thinks that I'm failing because I haven't fallen pregnant.

But I still feel that they are. I opened up to a friend who has 2 little girls, back in June about my procedures and the outcome.... I sent her an email pouring my heart out, and nothing. She didn't reply. How can I not take that personally?

DH is fantastic, he is so supportive and wonderful and strong. He keeps telling me that I need to accept that this is our journey.

We were joking around about baby names the other night, I was asking him if he liked these really obscure names that I knew he would hate. And he said "no, you know what name I like" ... And he said the name that we had decided on years ago. The name that we tossed around and said so often at the start of last year thinking that I would fall pregnant straight away. That name hurts my heart now, because I feel like that name is attached to a baby that isn't here. A baby that I can't have. God, this doesn't even make sense anymore...

Ok, I'm done. I'm so tired and sore.

If you got through this, you can expect some virtual chocolate