Insensitive relatives that put their FOOT in their mouth

[Mrs P]

Rant alert...

What IS it with stupid insensitive relatives? Recently at a family event DH's Aunty says to me (as soon as we arrive, straight after "Hello") "Oh I hear you are pregnant!" to which I reply "Ah - no......"

ARGH!!

DH has a mediterranean background and I swear all the women think that every wife should be a fricking baby machine - and how dare we be married for 3 years and not have produced a child yet.

What I really wanted to say to her was "Well actually I haven't had a period for over 15 months which is likely due to stress, so no, I haven't gotten pregnant yet, and yes, I would very much like to have a baby but it DOESN'T ALWAYS WORK OUT THAT SIMPLY, does it? So having every single relative ask me at every opportunity is really NOT HELPING.".

Ok, rant over....

Oh yeah, after that I made a large display of drinking a lot of wine to make myself feel better.

[summerluven]

I copped a few comments like this that nearly made me homocidal!

For me, one of the worst is "just stop trying". Ah, yeah, because THAT is going to work isn't it. Why don't you just stop talking?

I know that not everyone understands what this sort of stuff is about or what it is like, but some comments I got were enough to change the fabric of my relationship with that person simply because I don't feel it is too much to ask a friend or relative to treat your experience with some dignity and to try to put themselves in your shoes. I dunno....I could be way out of line on that one!?

I am sorry that she upset you Mrs P. It just makes your blood boil sometimes doesn't it. At least you can come in here and rant to like minded folk.

[Lucia]

I think this is something all of us have had to go through at some stage and it really does make you want to just bury your head in the sand!

Try having a sister-in-law who is not a nice person and has caused issues in your family and put your brother in an awful position who trying to bet you to being pregnant and you know she will more than likely win this supposed competition.

And the only reason why she even knows about your situation is by default because your brother should be able to innocently talk to his wife with her using it as ammuntion against your sister! Cause if it was up to me - she wouldn't even be in the loop!

I am preparing myself for the annoucement and her to turn and look at me with that "Up yours, smug, smirmy" look on her face.........................

You have to develop a standard line that you use to anyone saying those kind of things that you can use....It really is the only protection sometimes.

[Mrs P]

I think also that I'm just at that stage where I'm overly sensitive too - sooooo many friends are pg or have just had babies - and I really (obviously) want to fall pg, but since I'm not even getting AF I can't. So it's really frustrating. I was looking at pics of a friend's newborn on the weekend and they made me cry... luckily I was alone at the time. Also, I'm really having those "what if I can't fall pg" thoughts - because right now, what's stopping me is a lack of ovulation, so what if once we get that sorted (somehow?!) and we spend a few months... or a year... temping and BDing at the appropriate time.. and we still don't fall pg? Then we'll have another hard road to go down. I know I shouldn't stress about that, but you know how the female mind works...
ETA - Lucia - your sister in law does sound rather horrible - I hope you beat her in her 'competition'

[Lucia]

Oh she is horrible! I just don't get what my brother was thinking.....................none of us do!

And sadly - I don't think I will beat her because she is vermidly trying and I am having a rest for a few months to get my head back together. The sensible part of me says "What does it really matter if she has her baby first, I know what really counts in this life so let her race the race on her own. She beat herself over the finishing line"(That's the sensible part!!!!!)

Don't worry - you are certainly not alone in the over-sensitive department. Everyone around me is pregnant or having babies too and I am at a stage where if a friend say "I have something to tell you", I panic and think "Not another one!"

And it is hard because you are happy for them but you can't help sitting there green and think when is it going to be my B*** turn????

You know what I find really good therapy when it all gets too much - I go outside and yell at the universe about how frustrated I am and that I don't get why I have to go through this and that I am ****ed at them!

[dusty]

worryingly i am getting more sensitive to comments and pg news rather than desensitized and used to it or even more able to cope.

i am sad lucia that your SIL plays these games with you. there is no reason to get joy from someone elses pain and suffering. it sounds like she is probably a very insecure person.

mrs P, i can't imagine how frustrating not having your AF for so long must be. people really don't stop and think before talking that there may be a reason for something not happening and provide you with dignity and respect and privacy.

gals
xx dusty

[Jodie259]

I was not in a position of TTC... so I'm sure those sort of comments must cut a lot harder.

But for me, I had been married a few years - and I'm "older" - and he's Jewish. So everyone was assuming we should be TTC. My DH's best friend was pregnant... and every time his mum saw me she would say "ooohhh... you're pregnant". To which I would always reply "no, I'm just fat!". It shut her up after a while.

Eventually I did get pregnant... and I deliberately didn't tell her.

I think it's just 'human nature' that people make those sort of comments. They just don't think.

And when you are pregnant everyone asks: "do you know what sex you're having?" and "have you picked out names?" The first time I just let everyone know because I didn't like to lie. This time, I don't know so I can honestly tell them... "I don't know". But many women must know - but not want to tell everyone. Since being pregnant... I've made a conscious decision never to ask a pregnant woman about the sex/names. But prior to that... I never really thought about it.



Good luck TTC. If the family/friends comments really get to you - think of a comeback line like "can't stand kids = have no intention of having them".... then they stop asking! In the meantime.... vent away on BB~!

[farmgirl77]

Mrs P,
Hope that AF arrives soon, and I can totally relate to your frustration. DH and I have been TTC for a while, and I've now got to the stage of telling (some) people we cant have babies. We have just moved into a new house that we have built, which includes a room that I fully intended to put move our baby into..but the baby never happened (or not yet). However what should have been great - building our own home - became sadness as everyone - including in laws etc - kept saying 'oh - so once you will move, you will start having babies'! So, after making excuses, I now tell the truth (much to DH's horror) - my only consolation is that for a few fleeting seconds they feel horrible and inconsiderate...and then they shut up, most never to utter a word about babies in my presence again... good luck and hang in there...oh, and wine is great : )

[Enchanted]

I have never received any comments like that Mrs P but my aunty (we're closish in age) gets them all the time! She has been trying for 3 years and it reduces her to tears everytime people ask her, I just don't get why people are so insensitive and don't think?! There are soooo many people out there today who simply don't want kids or aren't ready yet or there are some who are having problems. All of those people (sorry I don't mean to generalise) a lot of the time don't need to be reminded about it. Sorry, it just makes me mad and there is my vent over too

[Lucia]

You know what I find is a good response that makes people quiet.

"Its in the hands of the universe"

It takes all pressure off you and no one can really argue it (unless they are that kind of person) It also doesn't set you into a negative state of mind and it doesn't allow others to put negative thoughts on to you.

Because at the end of the day - Its really is in the hands of the universe!!

[Indadhanu]

Everyone around me is pregnant or having babies too and I am at a stage where if a friend say "I have something to tell you", I panic and think "Not another one!"

I know exactly what you mean. Everyone (it seems anyway) is pregnant or just had a baby and it just gets to the point when someone says "hey, i've got some really exciting news" my heart instantly drops. Unfortunately one of Shel's workmates just got pregnant, and I was so jealous, and then she lost it and I feel absolutely awful.

I get "are you pregnant yet" ever since we started, and am going to start telling people (if this cycle doesn't work) that we aren't trying anymore just so I can stop being reminded every time I see them. I haven't been trying nearly as long as some, but each cycle I get more and more sensitive to it, instead of getting used to it.

Rant away, BB is a great place to vent to like minded people!

[Mrs P]

Thanks for all the lovely support - BB is always good for that.
Farmgirl I know what you mean - we've been in our newly built house with it's FOUR large bedrooms for a year... not long after we moved my sister-in-law (who has 3 kids) asked us if we wanted her nursery furniture (cot, drawers, rocking chair and portacot) as she wasn't having any more kids. Of course we took them (who wouldn't?) but now they sit in our 4th bedroom, and I try not to go into that room for any reason at all...
But hey fingers crossed my cycles will return, and in the new year I can finally have some good luck!

Lucia - I think that is a great response! I've been thinking about something along the lines of "Hmmm yes if only it was that easy" and leaving it at that... At least my mother-in-law isn't too bad, she's already got 3 grandkids but I know she wants more...

[Lucia]

Leasha - Don't be too hard on yourself about your feelings on Shel's workmate because it is so hard not to get jealous and how were you to know what would happen - you had a human response to a difficult situation.

Mrs P - don't even say "if only it was that easy" - because it is still putting conditions on it all which subconsciously affects you and anyone who hears it. You have enough to deal with at the moment without everyone putting invisible limitations and negative energy on you as well!

Everyone has a to come up with a response that resonants with them but try and make it really really neutral! It helps release the pressure you put on yourself and everyone puts on you! It help to stop blocking the energy.

I think as a society that we are so programmed to the fact the women are suppose to get married and have kids that it is totally taken for granted and when someone does run into fertility issues, no one knows exactly what they are meant to do with it because all women should be having babies!!!

[*ducky*]

Hey Mrs P,

Good on you for having a vent and getting it out. I think there are lots of BB members that can indentify with other peoples insensitive comments.

When my sister fell pregnant unexpectantly her comment to me was "now you just need to go get pregnant then we can go through it together". At the time I was going through my second cycle of IVF and had been been through lots of hard stuff medically for a year - she knew this!

You are doing all that you can do, so don't let anyone bring you down. Keep believing that you will be filling all those bedrooms one day!

I agree with Lucia, tell them it's in the hands of the universe, and the universe has it's own timetable!

[Lucia]

I seem to have had one of those weekends and I am feeling it today!

My SIL spent the weekend going on about how she was trying real hard to make me an auntie very soon and then I had a conversation with a close friend of mine who spent the entire time telling me who's pregnant and who's not. I got off the phone thinking "Is there nothing else that you can talk about?"

I can only hope that all this talk around me means that maybe the positive vibes are coming my way!!!!

Otherwise I think I will end up in the corner crying......................

Hope all of you are doing well!

[Mrs P]

Hi Lucia - I've also had a hard time lately. Another friend has announced pg (unplanned) and another has just found out the sex of her baby.. I feel bad that I am withdrawing from pg friends, but I just find it hard to share in their joy, and of course most of them don't know my situation so they don't understand. Argh. Positive vibes to all of us

[Lucia]

I hear you Mrs P!

It is hard not be be upset!

I think though that being jealous is a perfectly normal reaction when you are going thru what we are. And I also think that sometimes you just have be the emotion and not fight it. If you are upset - just be upset. Don't sit and rationlise or be logical.

Well that's my view this week because I can't be any other way at the moment. I rang my mum after I spoke to my friend and asked her if I was an awful person because while she was going on about this one is and that one is - I was just wanting to hang up the phone! She said I wasn't!!!

But I seriously want to bury my head in the sand this week!!!!

(Editted to add - I just went up the street and came back to my car to find a leaflet for pilates for pre and post natal classes I can't get away from it this week!)