Losing yourself, losing friends...

[Alice]

Possums,

Firstly, big to you for your losses, I'm so sorry you've had such a long and difficult journey.

In the early days I did get very socially withdrawn and that led to anxiety and depression which I got treatment for. I did individual and group counseling and both have given me some good skills to fall back on when things get tough. It's hard not to blame yourself and beat yourself up and I constantly have to pull myself up for thinking I'm a dud or a failure or DH would be better with someone else.

We moved physically away from friends and family because it all just got a bit too hard and actually that has made it easier to excuse ourselves from social events (most of which happen on weekends) and to be a bit more choosy about what we go to. We lean on each other a lot because we know that the other one understands and not many people can appreciate how tough things can be. Somehow we always manage to find the humour in things, that helps. We've done a lot of traveling which we both really enjoy and have a garden and chickens and spend a lot of our time together doing that. And we made an effort to do things with friends who don't have kids - to get a bit more of a balance in our social life - which has also helped.

We do go to most of the birthdays and celebrations and that has been a conscious choice to be actively involved with our friends kids. I made something for each of my close friend's kids before they were born - I found working on something special gave me time to sit and think about the baby on its way and to come to peace with it and finally to be able to welcome them with excitement. Sometimes it's hard - we'll be the only ones without kids at a birthday party (that's when a bottle of wine in the fridge is a good friend). I never force myself to do things I don't want to or don't feel up to - with not so close friends I avoided entire pregnancies and babyshowers etc. You just don't need that.

In the past few years I've really focused on getting back in touch with what I am passionate about and following some old dreams and growing other things in my life that are important to me. Our fertility is only one aspect of who we are but when we are locked in this process of TTC it can become everything. Don't forget the other things about yourself that you like and that the people who love you, love about you.

Lastly, we had quite a few breaks in TTC - it helped balance our lives more and meant that when we did try, we were in a better head space (and could afford it without financial stress). I don't think the sadness ever goes away, but it does get easier to bear. None of us know what the future holds so focusing on each day takes a lot of stress away (easier said than done, I know).

Sorry for the long post, I hope this helps in some way.

PS I do get angry and frustrated and irritated about somethings - my pet peve is 'push presents'. Don't ask me why, but that's where my anger seems to go!!