Need advice on how to help / be more tactful with LT TTC
Hey ladies. I'm hoping you can give me some guidance. (Apologies for the lead up, but this is a bit of a debrief too).
We just announced our pregnancy to my family last week. I said to my husband on the way there that I have had the suspicion for ages that my bro and SIL are TTC and really didn't want our announcement to steal their thunder (if they had an announcement too), or be painful if they're still trying.
Well I held out till the end of the night and watched SIL carefully and there was nothing to suggest that she had something to say... so I came out and said it. I wanted it to be subtle but of course my Mum went ON and ON about what wonderful news it was....
I thought I saw SIL cringe but she came and gave me a big hug and just said 'that's such great news' and that was that.
Today I find out they are trying. And have been for 18 months. They've now found male-factor fertility issues and are about to start IVF. I feel TERRIBLE. Of course, I can't hide my pregnancy. Or avoid family events. But I know how much it hurt me to hear pg announcements after I miscarried, I can only imagine how awful it is if you're LT TTC.
So for those who are, or have been where they are, tell me. Is there anything I can do to make my pregnancy, the birth and them being around our baby (though here's hoping they'll be pg by then) easier for them? Is there anything I must NOT say or do? Is there anything helpful I actually can say? I really really REALLY don't want to make this any more painful for them than it already is and as much as I can start to try and imagine, I know that I have NO idea what it's actually like for them. Please help me keep my big foot out of my enormous mouth and support my wonderful Bro and SIL like they deserve.
Firstly, what a great SIL you are to be so concerned with their feelings with everything going on with yourself Secondly, phrases you should NEVER use include:
"Don't worry, your time will come"
"just relax"
"Maybe you need a holiday"
And what I believe to be the worst-"it will happen when the time is right"
They just make you feel worse. Your SIL will always feel uncomfortable when you are around, but If she's anything like me, she will come around. My best friend just had her first baby 5 weeks ago. The trip to the hospital for visits was awful, but you get over it. You have to. We started trying at the same time and when she told me she was PG I completely cut her off. She was so upset, but I couldn't bear to see her. After about 4 months into her pregnancy I gave in and started to be happy for her, knowing that eventually it would be my turn. I have been ttc for nearly 2 years now, but hopefully my luck will turn. FX
So I guess all I can advise is just to give her space if she want's it, and don't be angry at her if she doesn't want anything to do with you at the beginning. And maybe encourage them to talk about it with you, so there's no awkwardness at family gatherings. Good luck with your pregnancy
HTH
You are a great SIL. Most people dont seem to realise how hard it is for LT TTC'ers. Avoid phrases like,
"if its meant to be, its meant to be"
"everything happens for a reason"
"maybe if you dont stress about it, it will happen"
I think, when my friends told me they were pregnant, i was totally excited for them, but also a bit sad for us. You have to understand, she is not annoyed at you, but annoyed at the unfairness of infertility. Hopefully she is ok with your pregnancy and can take joy in your little bubba!! And i hope they have their own soon too!!!!
Everything that the ladies have said above... And also, the one thing I hate the most is 'so, are you pregnant yet?' I have a gf that asks me every. single. time I see her and she's know that we've been trying for 2 years +. I feel like she's rubbing it in my face that no, I'm still not pregnant.
She will come around, just be gentle.
Good on you for asking, I wish I had more people like you in my life!!
What a wonderful Sis and sil you are! I remember when we where having issues I wanted people to ask and care but not to try and give me answer. That's for the professionals not for your support system. The best thing you could do is maybe have a chat with her about it. She may shut off completely or maybe even fly off the handle at you for being pg but remember not to take it personally she must be really hurting. She may on the other hand welcome the chat and let you know how you can support her. she may be happy to hear about your pg because although it hurts she's genuinely happy for you. However it goes just listen to her and don't try to offer cliche answers. By the sounds if it you are a very caring and loving person so just be yourself.
It always stings as a LTTTCer when a pregnancy is announced...even if you are geniuenly happy for that person, at first it just hurts and hurts. Others have given good advice on what not to say. Just be there for her. Talk to her if she wants, listen. Ask her how she is going, and really care about the answer (not just a flippant, 'how is everything then?' sort of thing in passing). Be aware that she may not want to see you for a bit. I appreciated it when people asked me if I wanted to see them (if preg). Sometimes I'd say yes, sometimes no. Don't over-talk about your pregnancy, but don't avoid it altogether either. Don't be afraid to say things like, 'that sucks!' or 'that's ****ing hard'. I hated it when I'd tell someone something devistating about TTC and they'd go 'oohhhhh' and sort of smile sorrowfully...I'd have been much happier with some real emotion, because it *does* suck...so don't be afraid to say that - sometimes a LTTTCer doesn't want to hear the positive side of things, they just want someone to vent to and feel understood.
I think you're incredibly sweet for taking your SIL's feelingsw into such consideration
One thing I will say. Don't whinge about your pregnancy symptoms in front of her (sorry, I know you probably won't). This is the one thing that really upset me. And the belly rubbing. I wanted to punch things when my pregnant friends rubbed their bellies when I was around (whether they knew of our LTTTC or not).
What everyone else has said is really helpful too. I guess just being there if she wants to talk and listening to her without offering advice or solutions.
Huge congratulations! I hope that your SIL's IVF cycle is successful and you're hearing a pregnancy announcement from her soon
Hi - congrats on your PG, and also for being a great SIL.
My SIL fell PG with her second while we were on IVF - and it was hard. I reinforce what the others have said. For me, the hardest thing was the feeling of being cut out of the family. My SIL and MIL knew we were on IVF, so in order to 'save' our feelings, they stoped talking about babies around us, my MIL would run maddly around her house and hide anything baby, and worse, my SIL did not invite us to DD1 2nd birthday...so while they were doing what 'they' thought were best for us, what it made me feel like was that we were not worthy of being part of the family unless we had kids, as kids seemed to be the center of everything. So, I guess I would suggest that you have a chat with your SIL and say that you dont want to make her decisions for her, but respect that somethings are hard eg other peoples babys and PG...so, ask her if she is comfortable still being invited to baby things eg your baby shower (if you have one), but make it clear that you understand if she chooses not to come, or to come only for a little while.
I guess the other thing that I wanted was an opportunity to talk to those who I trusted, but talking about infertility/ IVF and the emotions/treatment is really hard...so take time to have some time out with your SIL where she has plenty of opportunity to bring up hard topics - there were so many times when people asked me how I was that I responded 'fine' while screaming inside that I needed to talk, but once I had found the words, the conversation had moved well and truely on and I felt uncomfortable draging the conversation back to me.
Family events are going to be hard for your SIL, so if the baby talk seems to be getting to her, maybe look to get away and invite her to join you so that it does not seem like she is the one leaving the conversation first...there always seems to be stuff to be done in the kitchen, and I'm sure she will welcome the rescue!
Wishing your SIL and her partner all the best for their IVF journey.
Need advice on how to help / be more tactful with LT TTC
Reply With QuoteSecondly, phrases you should NEVER use include:
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