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Thread: RANT - my mother's comments

  1. #1

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    Unhappy RANT - my mother's comments

    Why does my mother say to me "i still think you will get pg on your own" (meaning without FS intervention). Why say that? What does it mean? To me it implies that the way we are going about things (with IVF) isn't really ideal or right?
    I really don't think we have a hope of a natural conception, and neither does our current FS, or our last one - i mean it's been over 3 years now! The only reason i have for wanting a natural conception (as opposed to IVF) is cost. I don't think it would make me feel any better or worse about myself or DH or especially the baby.
    I'm not sure why she says it? Makes me more relieved that no-one at all knows where we are at with the IVF - just that we are going down that road eventually. No-one has even been told about the ICSI side of things (which was this years new development).
    Wishing/expecting a natural conception makes me feel that she doesn't really approve of, or accept our infertility or the choices we are making in order to have a baby.
    Maybe i am totally over-reacting - but it's the second time she had said it too me and i'm a bit sensitive. BTW, this is all over the phone - thankfully we live in different countries
    Thanks for reading my rant and sorry for being a bit grumpy. I think it's because DH is on nights and it's easter and i've got no-one to talk to about it.
    Jo


  2. #2

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    Jo,

    I really only have sympathy for you. I guess either your mum doesn't know what to say or she disapproves. Next time you speak to her, if she says it again I would tell her how it makes you feel and why you are going down this path. My mum said the same to me, however we weren't at the stage of seeing a FS or anything like that, so it didn't have a great impact on me. I took it as something people say to make you feel better.

  3. #3

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    I think she probably means it lovingly, she prob. doesn't know what to say and wants to express her faith in you and try to make you feel better. I know know as the mother of a teen that sometimes its hard to express what we want to say without offending!

  4. #4

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    I can't really help, just wanted to give you a .

    Maybe she's trying to be helpful, and just totally saying the wrong thing? Perhaps she thinks it's good to be positive with you, but doesn't know the right way to go about it? Obviously it would be much better if she was positive about the IVF, but she really just might not know the right thing to say.

    Can you talk to her about it, and tell her that her comments are really unhelpful and upsetting to you? I'm sure that's a difficult thing to do, but it might make it better in the long run. I hope you can work something out, and have her understand that you need her support.

  5. #5

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    Jo,

    I think sometimes our parents, relatives, friends etc. got and get pregnant easily, so they really have no idea what it is like to REALLY be infertile. My parents didn't have a prob getting preggers, and in the early days of us trying (in 2005), my mum would just tell me to relax and it will happen - implied I had nothing to complain about, I was just too stressed about the whole thing and too impatient. Now... well, my mum doesn't say that anymore... I think she has slowly realised that there REALLY is a problem, I'm not making it up, I'm not exaggerating in any way, we are REALLY infertile and REALLY can't get pregnant.

    I notice one of my good friends - who got pregnant accidently and then aborted - is the LEAST understanding of my infertility.... tells me over and over she "knows it will happen one day"... etc. etc. She is trying to be comforting but in reality makes me feel like total crap and like I have no reason to complain or feel despair over this, because hey, "it will happen one day"! I honestly think she has no idea what this feels like because for her, she got pregnant using contraception!!

    If only, if only...

  6. #6

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    I know how you feel my mother told me the other day when I was feeling emotional and hormonal 'Is it worth it?" Needless to say I was cranky. I desperately hope I can prove her wrong only 3 more weeks and hopefully I can say I told you so.

    I made a impulse purchace today feeling frustrated and sick of putting things off just in case we end up pregnant just bought a plasma tv. Oh well here for a good time not a long time hope it makes feel better

  7. #7
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    It's hard isn't it.
    Even though they are our mums, I don't think my mum actually understands. She always asks why we aren't trying harder naturally...I've been seeing my FS for 7 years and only have 1 child (he took 3 years!). And even now, 2.5 years ttc again, she just really doesn't get it.

    Try not to let it get to you. I honestly think that unless you've been through infertility and AC, as much as you want to understand or are empathetic, it's hard to understand.

  8. #8

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    Thanks everyone, especially for the

    Lisa - had a huge laugh at "trying harder naturally". I wonder what she has in mind? Nurses ringing to tell you exact day and time to DTD - how much harder can you try???

    shell - everything you said rang so true with me.

    I guess i am sad, as i have always had a good relationship with my mum, and this is such a huge part of my life, but we are excluding her (and everyone else) completely, just because of things they have said and done in the past. I would have loved to have someone to talk to (to give DH a break), but mum just says the wrong things. Thank god i have BB and you girls and i really mean that.

  9. #9

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    Oh Jo sweety, most people mean well but often their 'advice' or words dont come out as they had intended and they are none the wiser. I love my mum to bits but she said a few things during ttc and after my losses which really made me feel like crap. She always said things like "in my time there was not this many m/c's, oh I got pg at the drop of a hat with you two, and I think if i wasnt 'careful' i could get pg now if I wanted to (she is not even 50)". I used to want to throttle her and id always cry in the car on my way home, thinking why I wasnt able to produce children so easily as her. I dont think she meant to say those things to hurt me and she is so thrilled that im pregnant now. Mothers dont always want to see what is really going on and they try not to admit to themselves that their children are hurting or going through a hard time. My mum was so blase with me, but then my aunty use to tell me how worried my mum was about me getting pregnant or having another m/c. So in her own private time she understood what was happening she just didnt want to deal with it infront of me. So i think your mum means well and probably says those things in hope that she will make you feel better.

    Hugs to you sweety,
    Lisa

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by kotare View Post
    I would have loved to have someone to talk to (to give DH a break), but mum just says the wrong things. Thank god i have BB and you girls and i really mean that.
    Amen to that!

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