Yesterday started my fourth miscarriage journey. After a tense few weeks we finally got solid confirmation that baby has decided now is not the time to join us. Im waiting to go to the GP tomorrow to get the ball rolling for a d&c as my body hasnt recognised its time to let go. Im numb; I havent cried like I did before, I just wander around in a fog. Life goes on because I have 3 little miracles to take care of. Im still suffering morning sickness and a multitude of other pregnancy symptoms which is like a slap in the face.

I just feel so lost and confused. I dont understand why it had to happen to ME............again. I feel angry at Dh, that he did something to cause this because he was so negative about this surprise baby. I feel angry at myself because a careless "Well maybe I'll lose the baby and then you'll be happy" thrown out in an arguement tempted fate to teach me a lesson. I feel like maybe its a sign that we should leave things be with just the three beautiful miracles we are so very lucky to have.

Dh wants to try again after the d&c but Im torn. I dont want to have to do this again; I stupidly thought because my last pregnancy was the complete opposite of the first two (no m/c, surprise baby/no long term ttc/no ART, textbook pregnancy) that my days with all this heartbreak were over. Obviously not. On the other hand the need for one more blessing to join our family has increased ten-fold. Its at the back of my mind constantly, being pregnant again, having another newborn to cuddle.

No point to this post except to exorcise some of these thought swirling around in my head. Thanks for reading.