Christmas - how do you deal with it?

[NaeNae]

I am just wondering how others are dealing with the lead up to Christmas?

The funeral director suggested that the lead up is worse than the actual day, it never occured to me that I would get so emotional - every christmas carol, excited kids and we're still a few weeks away yet

Does it get better as each year passes? I just cannot seem to stop crying lately

Everyone is just so excited and I just want to thump them ... no not really ... but it sucks that everyone elses gets to enjoy the "festive season" and is so darn happy and I just feel like my heart has been ripped out.

I cannot believe that even some people who I am close too have forgotten this years events and just don't think when they open their mouths about how we should get together and celebrate afterall its the time when loved ones get together

ok so far I am not dealing with Christmas so well mental note to self must be cheerier and meet the festive season with a smile will that do?

[ShootingStar]

Hey Nae Nae,

I cannot offer you any words from experience. Christmas to many is a special time of year. To you it still also can be. You have been through alot this year.. some happy moments and some sad. I would just take Christmas one step at a time and in a way just celebrate what you have acheived this year. Even though Nikita is not with you in person, i know she will be with you in spirit on Christmas Day, and im sure she would still love to be celebrated.

Maybe even just make it a special one for you and your DH. One that you can maybe just rejoice together. Light a candle for you both and one for your little angel.
Big Take care hun.

[{sarah}]

This is from the article on the main BB site about Infertility & Christmas, but I suspect that some of the ideas would help you too Nae.

Decide to:

* Plan to see your parents or other family members a week or two beforehand so they know you care about them. This will leave you free to spend the day quietly.

* Be selective about the invitations you accept to parties & in particular those where there will be lots of children or pregnant women. Remember, that you don't have to accept every invitation.

* Attend a late Christmas Eve church service rather than the Family service on Christmas Day.

* If you find family Christmas gatherings too painful, make plans to spend some time with people who do not have children.

* Be kind to yourself by doing some things you really enjoy such as bush walking, going to the theatre, planning a special holiday or just immersing yourself in a good book.

* Take time to share your feelings with your partner. Allow yourself at these times to feel sad, deprived or depressed. In sharing them you may be able to help each other through this difficult time.

* Express your appreciation to your friends and family who have supported you through the year. Stay in touch with other friends who understand your position and may be able to offer support.

* Accept the hurt you experience because it is evidence of the love you have for the child you mourn.

* Plan to develop your own traditions and rituals to celebrate special occasions. This will give them meaning, while reducing painful reminders.

* On Mother's Day and Father's Day you may like to give your partner a small memento to recognise they are still a parent.

Decide not to:

* Shop at large shopping towns where families, children and Santas abound.

* Feel guilty about not participating in all the traditional family celebrations. You need to concentrate on supporting each other through the holiday season.

* Pretend that there's nothing wrong and carry on with "business as usual".

* Be caught off guard by unexpected or embarrassing questions about your plans to have a family.

* Forget that you need each other especially during this difficult time.

* Expect others to understand your pain. Refer to it briefly and ask that they support you by respecting your choices.

[Spring Angel]

My first Christmas after loosing Harry was hell. DH and I spent the entire day crying, didn't see or speak to anyone (our request) and had vegemite on toast for lunch. We didn't put up a tree or exchange presents.

It may seem horrible to others but I couldn't wait for it all to be over. We locked ourselves anyway, pumped up the aircon and watched movies in bed. We just cried and cried.

You know what, it is what we needed to do and was the best for us. Don't feel pressured to get into Christmas if you don't want to. Do something to commemorate your special little lady. The only gift we got was a book for Harry which we read to him on the day. We burned a candle all day in his memory. We needed to grieve, not celebrate. It actually was quite healing just to wallow in our pain.

I'm happy to say the following Christmas was very different and a day will come when you want to celebrate again.

My advice, do what is best for you. Don't feel obliged to go to family/friend events if you don't want to. They will understand and if they don't well they can just get over it.

HTH
Take care hun.

[Gabi]

I understand a little bit how you are feeling because I remember Christmas last year I was meant to be celebrating with my first born child. Instead I'd had a late miscarriage, and then a first trimester miscarriage. d. So I thought at least I would have had a lovely large belly for family to coo over. My baby's name was removed from the family Christmas present list. Yeah, it's basically the pits. Meanwhile everyone is happy and sharing their time with their children. To make it worse, the previous Christmas was when we announced our first pregnancy, so I had those memories to deal with. And I was pregnant again with my son, having been told that it was my body killing my children, and I was taking meds to help me carry the baby and while on our Christmas break I had to stop taking progesterone (on doctor's orders) and hope that my placenta would kick in and work this time.

Urgh. Sorry.

But I think the director is right. The actual day is not as bad as the build up. I ended up being surrounded by people who love me, and that did help.

I didn't do this last year, but this year I am planning to start a Christmas tradition for the babies I lost. I am thinking of buying them a Christmas present, some girls from my church are going overseas to help children in a third world country and we can give them a certain amount of money to buy a Christmas present for a child there. I think it helps to do something special to remember your baby, to acknowledge that your family is made up of more than just the people physically present around the tree. I also think it's a good idea to talk to the people who have been there for you (for me it was more really just one person), and let them know your feelings re Christmas and what acknowledgement you hope for. Often people who haven't lost a child will not know how hard Christmas can be, letting them know that you would like some acknowledgement of your child will help them to help you on the day.

One other thing I found that helped was New Years. 2007 was awful for us, I looked forward to 2008 so much. New Years was a great feeling.

I'm sorry that you're not spending this Christmas with Nikita

[Gabi]

My experience was different to yours. I didn't spend as much time with my Gabi as you did with Nikita - but in my experience it does get better with time. This Christmas is not the same to me.

[mummy of many]

Hi Nae Nae,ladies. We lost our 8 year old son Brendan four years ago,he went through a Bone Marrow transplant for a genectic disorder. Our family finds it extremely hard at xmas,especially his older brother & sister,we manage to get by and to remember the goods times we were able to share,but we still feel so much pain four years on,and i dont think that we will ever change,Birthdays,Easter etc.....We also light a candle for our sweet boy just so he knows he is still part of our family and always will be. Sorry to hear some of you are feeling so down,but I have my down days too,but i try my hardest to be nice to people around me,even if I?m ****ed off. I really hate how our family never talks about our son anymore though,it`s like he didn`t exist to some,iykwim. Thinking of you all,just take each day at a time,thats all we can do. Cheers to all.

[NaeNae]

Thanks ladies for all of your posts.

You know you're not the only one but in my real world (not BB) it is feeling like people just forget what has happened this year and I do feel like we are the only ones.

Niki would have been 7 months old on Christmas Day had she survived.

We are still doing our Christmas Lunch - I always cook a lamb roast and fortunately MIL understands the pain of a loss (as sad as that actually is) my own mother ran the guilt trip by me when I said we were going to keep it low key this year and just stay at home rather than joining them at my Uncles place - my own mother.

A good friend and work colleague and I had a big chat about it this morning, she unfortunately could not have her own babies and she understands how I am feeling about Christmas this year which is really nice .... she eventually did have children 2 adopted and said that in years to follow that there will be joy at Christmas again.

Its so hard though isn't it!

[mummy of many]

Nae Nae,big s coming your way Hun,I totally understand how you feel,most of my family & DH`s family just don`t like to talk about what happened,Shame! I hope they don`t go through anything like we have in their life time. Hope you get through Chrissy Hun,I`ll be thinking of you & other`s who have been through so much heart ache.Susan.

[Miss.B]

Hi Nae Nae,

I just posted a new thread ( so I thought ....) and then I came across your new one and it's almost a carbon copy of yours !!
I'm just so lost in this website, I think I'm posting in the right spot but I don't think I am...

Anyway, wanted to tell you I feel just like you about xmas coming up, and I'm sending you a big hug . I know it really sucks to feel this way, but I think this is all part of our grieving still for our little one.

I seem to be seeing prego women everywhere, and I mean, EVERYWHERE, so I really dont know where I'm gonna do my xmas shopping....by the way, I haven't started yet..

I'm getting very emotional ATM because my due date hasn't arrived yet, and sometimes I still feel pregnant. With my big fibroid, I actually look 6 months pregnant, and when the pregnant women give me that knowing smile, I feel like shouting to them 'I wish I was pregnant like you !'.

Anyway hun, don't do anything you don't want to and have as big or little xmas as you want to. And don't feel guilty that you don't feel like celebrating like the rest of your family. They're not going through the grief like you.

Bib big hugs to you, thinking of you at this crappy time.

Beata xxxxxxxxx

[NaeNae]

Beata70, I read your post about your little one and am soo sorry As you are on the same learning curve as I am and I know how difficult it can be when everything is still so raw and you still have some "firsts" to come, I'd just like to say that if you can (and believe me some days its easier than others) find one thing to be grateful for and write it down on a piece of paper or in a diary. Its amazing how even on the worst day there is always something that will bring a smile to your face.

Susan - thanks so much hun, seems I am having a bad week this week just one blow after another but I know I will get through it, I always do. I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I guess in someways people may not want to talk about him for various reasons a) its upsetting for them because they miss him and may feel like they are upsetting you and your family if they do, b) may not know how to bring him up in conversation.

I make sure when I am talking to people that I mention Nikita's name in the hope that they realise that if I am talking about her then its ok to talk about her. I know its a bit different as she really wasn't alive for very long compared to your son. I also make sure I tell people that they can't possibly make me upset and that I cry anyway and not to feel bad if I cry when I talk to them.... YKWIM??

On a positive note.

When I was going to the shower this morning (we have our shower in the outside bathroom) I glanced over to Niki's memorial garden and noticed and brilliant red and sunny yellow lilly had finally blossomed. they are the cheeriest blooms I now wished I had planted more of them. maybe I can pop some more in next year for Niki's birthday.

[Miss.B]

Hi Nae Nae and Susan,

Thanks for your advice, I think I'll need to do as you say as I thought I was doing OK. In the support group that I go to all the girls said that they were dreading xmas, and I thought at that time, oh I'll be OK....Well it's a lot harder than I thought but my partner Alan just loves xmas so I'll make an effort for his sake.
I think seeing the palnt bloom at your little angel Niki's memorial garden is so lovely, it's like she's saying 'Hello !'.

Susan, I'm so sorry for the loss of your son Brendan. I think it's awful when your own family avoids talking about what's happened. Like Nae Nae said sometimes people don't know what to say or are afraid to start a conversation about a baby/child that passed away, but in my case I talk about Joshua often, and it forces poeple to acknowledge him and then they don't feel so uncomfortable because I started the convesation. It's just such a shame that I always have to start it first....

All my love
Beata xx

[mummy of many]

Hello Nae Nae & Beata, I will always talk about my Son Brendan,but if the people around me don`t like it,well too bad for them.You can`t erase your childs memories,your flesh & blood that you loved with every inch of your heart & soul.I know how it might feel uncomfortable,but in my case neither me or my hubbies family offered us support when we needed it the most,& those things i will never forget either. I?m feeling a bit down today too,just getting the Chrissy shopping done for the other children makes it hard as i feel i have always foregotten Brendan.Sounds silly to some but i always buy him a small gift & place it under our tree for him,and visit the cemetary sometime during xmas day.

Nae Nae- What a wonderful suprise,to see a lovely flower in your special garden,it`s probably meant to add some cheer to your life. I truely believe in our loved ones trying to make contact with us after thet have passed. We have feather`s left around our house & car,how does anyone explain that to us?

Sending cheerful wishes your way, ladies, hope next year will bring us some happiness.

[NaeNae]

Susan - I don't know if you have the room - you could plant something in Brendans memory and every year add something around it. Niki's actual memorial plant is a newish species of magnolia called "Vulcan" it has hot pink flowers but is a slow growing tree.
Its funny hpow disappointing the lack of support can be especially from those you are closest too. I think I would forever hold a grudge, kinda do towards mum but thats a whole other story.
I would also take the feathers as a sign you have been visited and think thats very special.
I have very strong dreams occasionally and thats when Niki visits

Beata - I am sure your partner Alan will be understanding if you don't feel up to such an effort this year - maybe he doesn't want to either?


lots of love to all x x x

[Miss.B]

hey Susan,

I hate when sometimes people get funny when I talk about Joshua, it's like they start to dissolve at a mere mention of his name....What a shame people get so funny, I wonder how they would feel if the roles were reversed ( not that I would ever wish that upon anybody ! ).

I never feel funny talking about Joshua because like you said he is my flesh and blood and although he isn't here with me phisically, he's always in my heart and I aways carry him with me where ever I go.
It really is such a shame your family wasn't/isn't more supportive. But I'll tell you something. Sometimes people closest to you don't say anything because they're afraid how you'll react and they don't want to upset you.

When Joshua was born, my mum was ( according to her ) a bigger mess than me. Pleeeeeese. I think she forgot who actually gave birth to an angel. I know she was grieving for a grandson she never got to spoil ( her first grandson, so I do forgive here a little bit ) but after about a month she told me it would be better if I didn' t grieve for Joshua anymore because I might spiral into depression....oh how bad that would be for her if I turned around and said I didn't want to have more babies because the experience scared the hell out of me. She just wants to a have a grandchild, but she forgets that I need to grieve my little boy and remember him as much as possible as memories do fade, but I will never, ever forget him.

Anyway, I think you should talk about Brendan wherever and whenever you like and if that makes some people uncomfortable, tough. He was, he is, and he always will be your baby boy and his short but beautiful life should be honoured at every opportunity.

Wishing you well in the New Year,

love and hugs

Beata xxxxx


QUOTE=beata70;1548541]Hi Nae Nae and Susan,

Thanks for your advice, I think I'll need to do as you say as I thought I was doing OK. In the support group that I go to all the girls said that they were dreading xmas, and I thought at that time, oh I'll be OK....Well it's a lot harder than I thought but my partner Alan just loves xmas so I'll make an effort for his sake.
I think seeing the palnt bloom at your little angel Niki's memorial garden is so lovely, it's like she's saying 'Hello !'.

Susan, I'm so sorry for the loss of your son Brendan. I think it's awful when your own family avoids talking about what's happened. Like Nae Nae said sometimes people don't know what to say or are afraid to start a conversation about a baby/child that passed away, but in my case I talk about Joshua often, and it forces poeple to acknowledge him and then they don't feel so uncomfortable because I started the convesation. It's just such a shame that I always have to start it first....

All my love
Beata xx [/QUOTE]

[Miss.B]

Hi NaeNae,

I think that's beautiful that you dream of your little girl, I always ask Joshua to visit me in my dreams but I haven't had one of him yet, maybe soon.......I hope.

Al loves xmas too much not to celebrate it ( he is so xmasy but I'm not overly xmasy ) but he's got 3 grown up kids from his previous merriage so he loves to celebrate it with them. Which I can totally understand, I just don't mask my feeling as well as he does. I know he was devestated when we lost Joshua, occasionally he'll talk about him.

Oh well, here comes xmas whether we feel like celebrating or not, I know that our litle angels will be nearby.

My friend told me she got me a Joshua tree, so I'm looking forward to planting it and creating a spot for Josh. Right now I have him at home with us.

Love and hugs

Beata xxxxxxx

[NaeNae]

Hi NaeNae,

I think that's beautiful that you dream of your little girl, I always ask Joshua to visit me in my dreams but I haven't had one of him yet, maybe soon.......I hope.

Beata xxxxxxx

You know perhaps Joshua is visiting you or leaving you messages that he has been in other ways. I have found that little signs are always there and usually come about in a subtle way.
I don't ask for dreams its just what happens with me. It never happens when I ask for it though and for all my wanting to see her I never actually do I just 'know" she is there.

For Susan it seems her visits are noted with a feather being left.

[Lisa]

This is my 3rd Xmas without Noah, and every Christmas I feel down.
Every Christmas I buy Noah some type of Angel. This year I bought a glass bauble for the tree that has a glass angel inside it which is holding a heart... I am going to have Noah's name etched onto it. The bauble signifies that Noah is a part of our christmas celebrations (the bauble) he is my angel and he is holding my heart.
I buy things for Noah every christmas & birthday. My family do acknowledge how it feels for me... it is difficult, even if I have had a baby since, there is still a big part of my heart & soul that have been torn from me... and every christmas I am reminded that I should have another child here with me, destroying wrapping paper, wearing a paper hat and eating christmas goodies...but he is only here with me in my heart... and sometimes that is the hardest thing to remember.