I understand a little bit how you are feeling because I remember Christmas last year I was meant to be celebrating with my first born child. Instead I'd had a late miscarriage, and then a first trimester miscarriage. d. So I thought at least I would have had a lovely large belly for family to coo over. My baby's name was removed from the family Christmas present list. Yeah, it's basically the pits. Meanwhile everyone is happy and sharing their time with their children. To make it worse, the previous Christmas was when we announced our first pregnancy, so I had those memories to deal with. And I was pregnant again with my son, having been told that it was my body killing my children, and I was taking meds to help me carry the baby and while on our Christmas break I had to stop taking progesterone (on doctor's orders) and hope that my placenta would kick in and work this time.

Urgh. Sorry.

But I think the director is right. The actual day is not as bad as the build up. I ended up being surrounded by people who love me, and that did help.

I didn't do this last year, but this year I am planning to start a Christmas tradition for the babies I lost. I am thinking of buying them a Christmas present, some girls from my church are going overseas to help children in a third world country and we can give them a certain amount of money to buy a Christmas present for a child there. I think it helps to do something special to remember your baby, to acknowledge that your family is made up of more than just the people physically present around the tree. I also think it's a good idea to talk to the people who have been there for you (for me it was more really just one person), and let them know your feelings re Christmas and what acknowledgement you hope for. Often people who haven't lost a child will not know how hard Christmas can be, letting them know that you would like some acknowledgement of your child will help them to help you on the day.

One other thing I found that helped was New Years. 2007 was awful for us, I looked forward to 2008 so much. New Years was a great feeling.

I'm sorry that you're not spending this Christmas with Nikita