Couple of questions, mostly a rambly vent.

[angelmumma]

First of all I'm so sorry to hear of your loss Calluna. It is very hard to get through, and the what if's constantly play in our head, and the little future we had already started planning After only a month, it's natural for it to still be very hard and raw, emotionally.

Seeing lots of BFPs
Why?
Why all at once?
Why all in my face?
Why couldnt it be me?
Why does it hurt so much?

I found with my losses I would always find this, pregnant women everywhere, babies everywhere. I found it very confronting and hard to handle.

[Calluna]

Only a month- it feels like so much longer. Its gone by so slowly. I want to get off this ride. Feeling very alone and empty tonight.

Im so tired but Im afraid to go to bed, I should ovulate in the next few days and therefore DTD, urgh. And Im afraid to go to sleep, every night I have nightmares. Some nights worse than others. Falling asleep in my chair. *sigh* guess Ive fought it as long as I could.

[Footsteps]

You sound like you need help dealing with it. We have been Ttc for over 2 years and had a m/c at 10 weeks that was really bad. It's hard but you have got support. If you need to talk/vent message me. Really the anxiety attacks maybe talk to your Dr huni. Much love and gentle hugs xxx

[Catastrophic]

Hugs hugs xoxo Maybe its time to have a chat to your GP/Counsellor and let out some of your feelings. It helps xox

[Calluna]

I don't have a gp. I've been looking for a decent one that bulk bills and is accessible but so far they're all so crappy. Same deal with psychologists. Frustrating.

[Calluna]

Anxiety is much better but still not sleeping. Last week or so has been hard, Im struggling to find reasons to smile. Impatient and grumpy with DS and DF. Im sick of TTC. I should be 13 weeks tomorrow. I should be "safe". Im nothing.
Off to start a thread asking for bulk billing psychologist/ psychiatrist recomendations...
Accupuncture would be good too but expensive. I intend to do a strict budget up with DF this week as the spending is out of control, so we'll see what is left after that.

[Calluna]

Should be 20weeks today. Had been doing ok for a couple of months but feeling crappy tonight. My heart hurts.

Does this ever go away or will I keep having random moments/days like this?

[Calluna]

Should be 20weeks today. Had been doing ok for a couple of months but feeling crappy tonight. My heart hurts.

Does this ever go away or will I keep having random moments/days like this?

[Butterfly Dawn]

it does get better but there are bad days. grieve on your bad days, if you go to the bottom of your pain and let it out it will help to heal you.
slowly and gently

[forshelby]

I'd like to say it goes away completely but unfortunately I can't. It just becomes part of the background noise of your life, ITMS. I often think about my m/c (especially my first) with sadness, but it doesn't sting like it used to.

[Calluna]

Thanks girls.

[Calluna]

Was wondering why I woke up feeling so depressed and drawn to the songs I had been so drawn to with Rosies loss.

But now I've figured it out..

It will have been a year next week.

My heart hurts.

[Peace]

It's tough when it comes around and you'll never forget. But try to focus on the miracles you do have in your life. Including that beautiful rainbow girl

[Calluna]

Thanks Peace.

[Ladylove]

Calluna, your journey struck a chord with me, my loss was much earlier than yours thus easier to work through physically and emotionally. However soon after my loss I remember trawling through the forum looking for, I don't know what exactly, evidence that what I felt wasn't weird. Anyway I came across this thread and what you wrote, how you expressed yourself, was exactly how I felt, how I questioned etc. So when I saw your rainbow pregnancy announcement and your beautiful birth announcement and story I was so genuinely happy for you. I think you are very strong and smart and emotionally intuitive. So I just wanted to acknowledge you and your journey on this day.

[Calluna]

Hugs LadyLove. Im glad it could help you.
You were 4+2 werent you? I was too.

Thank you for saying such lovely things. You brought tears to my eyes because I was so worried at the time that I sounded whiney and melodramatic but now I read it back and feel that I expressed myself exactly as I felt it. Not over the top at all. Just real.
I always hoped it would help someone else to feel validated and normal for feeling what they did and Im so glad it did for you. hope you are doing ok.

[Ladylove]

Yeah I was 4 plus 2 though in hindsight looking at dates and when got a BFP I think I was actually a tad further along, but no more than 5 weeks I'd say so still very early.

I am good, oddly enough a few close friends of mine had losses this year, all further along than I was, but feel like we have all taken each other's grieving on board in a supportive and strong way.

[Calluna]

Im sorry to hear of your friends losses but great that you have that support. It makes a world of difference to know you arent alone.