Dealing with the 'Would've been' due date?

[lissy]

Im wondering if others found the 'would've been' due date as hard to deal with as I am finding it?
I mc'd in Jan at 13 wks & my due date would've been 19th July which is just a few short weeks away. I'm finding the closer it gets the more I think of what might have been or what would've been happening now if I hadn't lost my angel. I have a SIL who is due only 2 weeks later than I was & a few work aquaintences who are due around that time as well. I feel like busrting into tears sometimes when I see facebook posts wishing my SIL well & asking how things are progressing with her pregnancy. I'm really anxious & withdrawn the closer the date gets.

On one hand I feel I have the right still all these months later to grieve what I've lost.
On the other hand I feel maybe I'm being too sensitive about it.

My mum was very dismissive about it when I first mentioned a commemorative idea, which also makes me feel like I'm being silly.

[Lily Dust]

awwww lissy hun you have every right to still be grieving your Angel Bubba and with your due date approaching it is such a hard time and a time filled with all the 'what ifs'. I have just gone through the stage that my 1st babe should have been 1. Ignore what your mum is saying, you have to deal with your loss the best way you can and if that means commemorating ceremony/ occasion/ moment, what ever, then that is what you need to do. Many people who havent lost simply just dont 'get it'. Big big I sincerely hope you get your forever baby soon x

[Tegam]

Oh hun i am so sorry that you are in so much pain! There is no right answers here and i am sorry to say but it seems the norm for people in real life to not consider things from the mothers point of view. You lost a child, a dream, a future with it! Of course the next few weeks are going to be horrible and made all the worse by all the people due around you. You would also feel guilty for feeling so lost when you 'should' feel happy for them! All i can say is that you need to just let yourself feel whatever you need to and greive! its a very long process sadly and one that i wish we could make quicker for you!

Please use BB as much as you need to!

[~breeze~]

Oh hun i am so sorry that you are in so much pain! There is no right answers here and i am sorry to say but it seems the norm for people in real life to not consider things from the mothers point of view. You lost a child, a dream, a future with it! Of course the next few weeks are going to be horrible and made all the worse by all the people due around you. You would also feel guilty for feeling so lost when you 'should' feel happy for them! All i can say is that you need to just let yourself feel whatever you need to and greive! its a very long process sadly and one that i wish we could make quicker for you!

Please use BB as much as you need to!

Exactly what Tegam said!!!
You have every right to grieve your child.... especially with the due date approaching. I lost my first baby at 10 weeks & my due date was Australia Day 2004, it was very hard but at least for me it has gotten easier over the years. You will never forget your child, s/he will be with you forever
Do what YOU want to do, dont let anyone talk you out of it... you may live to regret letting someone else take that away from you.
Look after yourself xxx

[blessedatlast]

Of course you still have the right to grieve for your angel baby.. Some people just don't understand the significance, especially if they have never experienced a loss. A due date is a big deal, it was the day (or around the time) you thought your life would change, and you would be a mummy. to you and I hope you have a peaceful day.

[luna moth]

It SUCKS. I had to go to the hospital where I would have delivered (for the last of my molar-related tests and to get my official all-clear to ttc again) past plenty of people whose babies were the same age as mine would have been.

BUT... it is an incredible day for moving on. I didn't cry, not proper tears anyway. I took the day off work, listened to all my favourite music and went for a big walk.

I chose not to do anything to mark the day other than that - because so many others just don't get it. Nothing you can fix, nothing worth worrying about, really - I had no real idea before it happened to me either. In two weeks is a year since the actual diagnosis, and I think that day might actually be a lot harder than the due date. I'm choosing to remember all the lovely things people did for me at the time, and the strength that our relationship gained from it, and I'm going to focus on that.

And another note - being pregnant again doesn't fix it, it doesn't make the hurt go away, although maybe it makes it fade a little bit. Time is the greatest healer.

[lissy]

Thanks for the hugs everyone. I thought I'd be sneaky & checked my post at work.......big mistake! Your lovely thoughts & compassion almost had me blubbering all over my desk at work, hehe I had to go & make myself a coffee very quickly.

Audax- I have to thank you because your post gave me a lovely idea. I have decided to take the day off work & take a good book & blanket to visit my local botanical gardens for a peaceful day to myself.

The day seems a little less daunting & a lot more of a positive event now that I have something planned & am not stressing about having to put on a brave face for anyone else, or having to deal with the stress's of work.

[raffy]

huge hugs lissy. ive just been thru the same thing i wouldve been due on the 29th june so its still very raw and to top it off a close friend of mine gave birth to her lil man on that day so even tho im very happy for her and he hubby i cant help but think it should have been me. i think your idea of taking the day off and going to the botanical gardens with a book sounds perfect, if i wasnt travelling that day i would have done something similar. give yourself some time to grieve and im glad ur feeling more positive about it.

[gemini_girl]

:hugs: Lissy... Our EDD was meant for the 18th of July... Go easy on yourself and don't have expectations around your SIL or workmates. Allow yourself to be true to yourself and your feelings during this very difficult time.

Danni

[delphmoon]

ahhh,the 'would have been' question.

I can relate to what your saying. I remember literally counting down to the 'would have been' date. I was 22 weeks pregnant on the 'would have been' date and felt terribly conflicted as I was mourning what could have been and felt like I was betraying the little one growing inside of me.
DH and I went and bought a plant and pot and keep it in our room to represent our little angel. It puts us at ease and it feels natural.
As for your mum- it is difficult for others to understand the pain and for some its awkward- do what feels right for you!
Hugs to you xxoo

[mako]

Lissy I too am coming up to my 4th angels' due date this month and am finding things very difficult. A lot of people IRL don't understand the way we feel and that is why they try and dismiss the way we feel

I am planning on going to spend some of my due date at the beach and will light my candle at home. This is what I do for all my angel's anniversaries and due dates. I actually find it quite healing just listening to the waves and letting the sand fall between my fingers. I sometimes let a balloon go aswell if I feel up to it.

I hope you find something that is a comfort to you and you find some peace as you reflect on "what should have been". Sending you lots of understanding and support.

[Ryatha]

I can remember the EDD of my second angels I started the drive to work as normal but by the end of it I was bawling my eyes out as I drove. I thought I was OK but in reality I had been suppressing all my emotions. My family didn't understand why I was still upset as they hadn't had any angel babies and thought I should be 'over it'

As the others have suggested, doing something special really does help