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Thread: Eggberts Story

  1. #1

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    Default Eggberts Story

    I felt nervous and anxious from about 11 weeks. I put it down to the fact that my last two babies had died after this time. I wonder... On Monday I had cried and cried in the afternoon, fearful of the ultrasound on Thursday. I felt somehow empty but placated myself with positive affirmation...

    Nichola offered to come with me to my u/s at 13weeks and 4 days. She was confident and sure that all would be well. What a kind friend... I had this heavy fearful feeling – I have had it before. . .

    George took too long to speak. Too long... Don’t panic Deb, I am finding it hard to get a good picture. It took too long...



    I looked at the screen. The screen I hated. I saw my little one. Still. No movement. No fluttering in the dark space that houses the heart. Nothing. `

    I saw that perfect little hand up in the air as if suspended in time. As if suddenly struck by some unexpected blow. Stiff and unmoving. George prodded my belly – a feeble atempt to wake my dead baby. It’s gone isn’t it George?
    It looks like it Deb. Yes, Deb. I am so so sorry...

    WHY????? Why??? “I am at a loss Deb, Ijust don’t understand, everything was going perfectly... “

    I cried calmly and quietly. George pushed the form across the desk that would authorise him to ‘vacuum’ my baby from my body. I felt so tired. So weary. So exhausted by the event that had been my reality for my past three pregnancies. He hugged me. Kind George...

    He could move on to the next woman. The woman in the waiting room with the huge bulging belly and the protective arm across her body. He would smile at her as they listen to that galloping heartbeat. The one that my baby stopped having only 3 days before...

    Nichola couldn’t believe it. She was shocked. I was too. It was incomprehensible.

    I didn’t want to do what had to be done the next day. I just wanted to wake up in 6 weeks time. However, somehow I managed to live through the rest of the day. I couldn’t cry when I saw Chris, if I did I would never stop.

    We drove back to the hospital together. I cried and I sobbed. I didn’t sleep much. I would wake hoping it was all a bad dream. It wasn’t... When the gel went in I almost vomited. Again it was happening...

    The staff were so empathetic, so caring. Irene looked after me and her motherly way was nurturing and warm. When we got to theatre I heard the first hearty cries of a baby born by caesarian. I sobbed so hard my chest hurt. In the next theatre would be me. My baby wouldn’t leave all wrapped tight and warm in a bunny rug with a beanie perched on a soft warm head. My baby would leave in a pathology bucket to be examined and disected and “grown” in a pathology lab...

    I woke in recovery and the instant I became conscious I knew it was over. My baby was gone. I sobbed loudly and was told to be quiet by the recovery nurse. “We have other patients you know”...

    The day was spent resting and crying, so much crying...

    Whoever reads this I am not sure. I am not even sure what I am writing this for. I just know I HAVE to.

    I give this to my baby I guess. I grew you my little one with so much love and so much care. So much love...
    Did you feel it before you flew away? I wished and prayed and imagined you staying. I pictured your birth and imagined your smell. You were my baby from the moment I knew you were in my womb.

    My womb wasn’t safe for you. Something went wrong. It went wrong for your sister and your brother too. Perfect little babies all lost...

    Some people find it hard to be around me. I can tell. I look normal on the outside but I stand for all that can go wrong. I make some of them mistrust their bodies. Others find it hard to confront death. We don’t do death well in our society... Others know just what to say and do and leave me feeling warm and loved...

    “ Sorry for your news...” My news? This isn’t news. This was the death of my baby. Is that what you are sorry for?
    Please say that to me. Say the words. Say, “I am sorry for the death of your baby... “
    Please honour and respect my baby enough to say that...

    Maybe you could say something like: “I don’t know what to say but I want you to know I am feeling for you...”

    Then there is the older woman who said: “In these cases it’s probably for the best, there must have been something wrong”... Something wrong? Probably for the best? I wanted to say: “I can’t believe you would be so callous and so stupid...

    What I say is, “yes there was something wrong, but not with my baby. My baby was growing perfectly, I think there are clots forming... “
    I don’t know where I found the strength to say that. She looked uncomfortable. She needed me to support her theory... I didn’t care. I don’t care.
    Can she not understand that the loss of a baby is never for the best. This is never the best thing. This is a heartbreaking tragedy that you never become numb to...

    A cheery voice on the other end of the phone says: “hello how are you!” I say, my baby died. “Yes I know.” “How are you feeling”...

    Well I feel like... hell! I feel angry! I feel angry that I believed I should have taken asprin, I believed I should have taken prednisone and I didn’t and now my baby is dead. I didn’t listen to my gut. So I am blaming myself.
    I am worried that this is some spiritual test or lesson that I haven’t got the ability to fathom. If it is please Universe just let me off the hook.
    I am so so sad that I feel that I may never be free of this pain in my chest. I am so scared that I will never be able to smile from my heart again...

    But, that’s not what I say. What I say to that cheery voice is that I am doing okay. One day at a time... She is happy with that...

    Then there is the friend that cries and says “I am so so sorry”. It feels so warming to hear someone respect and honour my baby... I say thankyou, I am okay...

    But what I want to say is: Help me! Help me to swim through this agony. Help me to research and find answers. Hold my hand at 2am when I feel like I can’t breathe. Wipe my tears when I sit on the toilet and see the red blood from my womb. Stroke my head as my breasts drip milk that the little mouth I grew will never drink...
    Understand the pain and just be with me...
    Understand that I loved this baby...

    Laugh with me when I am laughing and cry with me when I am crying. Let me talk. I seem like I am okay but sometimes I am not... This journey isn’t a straight path. It is a rollercoaster and the mood changes with each turn.

    Don’t send me flowers. I don’t want to be reminded, I have enough in my head to remind me. Save those flowers for the day that I phone you to tell you I have birthed a healthy strong baby/ies that have their Daddy’s face and their Mamas nose...

    Then there are the people who say nothing. Nothing. No acknowledgement that my baby is dead. What do they think? Do they think it’s happened so many times that it doesn’t matter? No, I think they don’t know what to say. It’s confronting. Babies are not supposed to die. This is way too “in your face”.

    My favourite is the hug that says it all. The teary face that belongs to the hug. That’s my favourite... There really isn’t anything to say. A hug usually does it...

    Please understand that I want another baby. There is a gap. There is a little soul floating around waiting for the right time. I know this. Believe me. Really believe me. I need that from you...

    Don’t judge me because I already have four kids. You may have 2 and that’s your number. My number is more. I don’t feel the pain any less because I have already had four babies.

    More than anything just sit with the pain. Don’t change it for me. Don’t look on any bright side. Just acknowledge that this death is a tragic loss that will always remain with me.

    I AM okay. I cope by writing a letter and burning it in the moonlight. I cope by knowing that there is a baby for me. I even believe it is the same little spirit. I cope with knowing I have so much love and support from so many people...

    I cope with knowing that I can’t wallow in my sadness and my anger. I have to feel it and let it go otherwise it will consume my life.
    I let this anger go, it cannot serve me anymore...

    I cope by believing that the knowledge I have gained will help me and others.
    I cope by believing that life is a journey. I do believe that there are valuable and necessary lessons to be learnt from all that we experience. I believe that I have to trust. I believe that I need to learn more about listening to my instincts. I ask that my future lessons be gentle ones...

    I know that I will have a healthy, strong baby. I know that my body can support growing a strong healthy baby but that it needs some help...

    I believe that care providers need to be interviewed for the job of looking after you. I believe we need to know as much or more than those who are caring for us. I believe we need to truly understand what is happening in our bodies.
    It’s a scary and confronting thought but I believe it’s a truth.

    Life IS good. I AM blessed to have the family I have right now .
    I WILL hold that baby in my arms and take him/her home in the family shawl to watch grow into an adult. I believe this with my whole being...
    Walk with me through this and believe it too. Doing this is worth more than a million cooked dinners and bunches of flowers. I need your belief.

    I planted another rose today...

  2. #2

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    Deb, that new rose will grow the most beautiful and most fragrant flowers - just like you will. You truly did not deserve to have this happen.

  3. #3

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    Thankyou...

  4. #4

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    :hugs: Deb. There's a little one out there waiting for you & hopefully will be safe in your arms soon.

  5. #5

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    Deb I am so sorry your precious little baby died. I am sure this little one knew they were very much loved and wanted by their mummy and their family.

    Sometimes life really sucks. It seems so unfair. Big hugs to you and your family.

  6. #6

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    I am sorry for your loss Deb. I am so sorry for all your losses. Its not fair, and you are a very strong person dealing with this all in the way you are.
    It just doesn't seem right that this keeps happening to you. So much pain.
    I'm sending you and your family a big hug with a teary face

  7. #7

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    Deb, I sit here with tears in my eyes and a pain in my heart for your lost baby and for what you are going through.

    It is true that the little souls of lost babies stay with the mother until they can be reborn in new healthy baby. I pray that your little soul finds its way to your womb and into your arms.

    My thoughts and prayer are with you.

    take care of yourself,
    Lisa

  8. #8

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    Deb- here comes the hug and my eyes are filling like pools of water. Your baby knew it was loved. Knows it is loved. And your dream of holding your baby in your arms will be a reality soon.
    With love,
    debbie

  9. #9

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    Oh thankyou so much. I fear I have been misunderstood. I guess my story is to show all those people out there (certainly not on BB) that a baby dying is BIG. It's not a hiccup in life. It is BIG.
    I just felt I had to write. Iwrote what came to me. It felt really good.
    Thankyou for all of your love and teary hugs. I can feel them!

  10. #10
    kirsty Guest

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    Deb once again I sit here reading your story in tears.

    I am so very sorry for the death of your child, it is a pain no woman should ever have to go through ~ let alone for a third time ~ you are such a strong woman & you deserve happiness in your life. That is my deepest desire for you & your future.

    I wish I was close enough to hold you while you cry the tears that must be shed for your baby, the same tears that I have shed in the past. To hold you in my arms knowing that someone else understands your pain & the drive you have to hold another tiny baby in your arms one day, unfortunately I am not but please know I am always here for you whenever you need someone to talk to.

    I can only hope that my words offer you some comfort during this terrible time, but know that they can only help so much & not at the times when you need it the most.

    Please know I am truly here whenever you need me, biggest hugs to you & your family on the loss of your precious little Eggbert.

  11. #11

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    ((hugs))

  12. #12

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    Deb,

    You have really touched me with Eggbert's story and i hope it made a difference to your day now that you have let it all out of your heart.

    I am so very sorry eggbert had to leave you so soon and i am certain that he/she knew that they were loved more than life.

    You take good care of yourself

  13. #13

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    Oh sweetheart...

    I am crying for you and just wish I could give you a big hug. This is such a horrible thing to go through, and I really don't think anyone understands if they have not been through it.

    I am thinking of you.

    Love Bun

  14. #14

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    Deb i am so sorry for your loss i just want you to know i am thinking of you and that you are such a beautifull strong and supportive person i am so sorry this has happened to you again (((huge hugs))) and all my love xoxoxo I know it wont be long for you now and i just cant wait to hear the news of the birth of your beautifull healthy baby
    JESS

  15. #15
    confusedegg Guest

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    Deb, (((hugs))) It so heart breaking to hear of your loss, it doesnt matter if you have none or 10+ live children, one loss is enough to leave you with life time of pain and emptiness in your heart. Hope the pain gets easier for you soon.

    Hoping you have the opportunity to fulfill your dream of having more children as you wish.
    Last edited by confusedegg; October 31st, 2006 at 02:08 PM.

  16. #16

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    WOW. How close to that I felt. Although I never could express it as well as you have. Just want you to know that I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your precious baby and you are right it doesn't matter how many babies you have grief is grief and loss still hurts.

    I'm sending you another hug, and I just want to thank you. I think your post may help many as I know its helped me. I wish I could do more. No one deserves this no one.

    *hugs*
    Cailin

  17. #17

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    Deb, I have nothing more to say other than I know too well how you feel. I know it. I have lived it. I am living it. You and your family are in my thoughts.

    I hope that each day you get stronger. Losing my baby almost broke me, you have lost five - your determination amazes me.

  18. #18

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    Deb, I am struggling to find the words to tell you how sorry I am for the loss of your precious baby. What I wouldn't do to be in the room right now and be able to give you a hug; to try and take some of your pain away.

    What a tremendous woman you are with such an undeniable strength and belief. There is a beautiful little soul floating around right now, just waiting for the perfect moment....knowing that it is your child. That child will go strong in your womb and when that beautiful child is born to this wold, there will never be a more cherished and loved baby.


    {{{{{hugs}}}}}

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