Two and a half weeks ago, a small but powerful bomb went off in my little family. The physical effects were immediate, devastating, painful and horrible, but were over relatively quickly.
A week after I lost my baby (I still struggle to write those words), I felt the first shockwave as my heart and soul tried to come to terms with what had happened. I fell apart. With much support, prayer, guidance and hand-holding (from near and far, virtual and real) I've begun to put the pieces back together.
As I processed the grief and the loss of the hopes and dreams we had built for and around our little one, I began to see that the aftershocks will continue to be felt, for a long time. I imagine it as fallout... insidious dust, that has crept into the most likely but also unlikely of places, that will only be discovered as I find it. So many ripples... so many plans, decisions, all changed. So much up in the air...
Today, I returned to work. I was at work when it all first started. I was on the tram this morning on my way down to the office, thinking I was doing ok. I grabbed my bags at my stop and began to alight the tram with the other thousand people getting off. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the gentle curve of a slightly swollen pregnant belly and all of a sudden my breathing shortened and my heart sped up and I had a mini panic attack.
But I made it inside. Up to my desk. Blessedly, the day after I left work we had a major seating shuffle and there was someone sitting at my desk. Also blessedly, my good friend who is also my project manager wasn't in and therefore no one knew what had happened and just said "welcome back, did you have a nice break?" I was able to just say "Nah I was supposed to be on annual leave and I got sick so that sucks!" and busy myself with relocating my computer to my new desk.
So I'm not sitting in the same spot as I was when it happened. That's great, new perspective.
And I'm back at work. I don't want to be here. DH and I had decided that I'd stick it out, suck it up, til Australia Day and then I could go on mat leave again and focus on our business. I'd be taking mat leave early, but that was ok as we'd decided I wasn't coming back. But I'd take the 12 months mat leave instead of resigning.
That's all changed. There's no end date now. Unless I make one and resign. But that's just silly... I work for a great company, good salary, etc... but now I have to decide what I'm doing here. God knows if we will have another baby, but I don't. And I can't suck it up in this position that I don't enjoy, indefinitely. So what do I do now?
The nanny arrived this morning to look after the kids. We are not happy with her. Again we thought we could suck it up til Christmas, then DH and I could work it out, take time off, whatever, until I finished in Jan. And now I am not finishing in Jan. So we need to look for child care. I think. I don't even know where to start.
My whole world has shifted slightly on its axis. So much has changed... so much is up in the air.
To make matters worse, I'm pretty sure I'm ovulating. And for the first time in the "let's start a family" phase of my life, I don't want to be.
I want to be pregnant. And not pregnant, 4 weeks along. I want to be 13 weeks, like I'm supposed to be
You have such a way of writing things OP, that it brings back the pain that I felt all those years ago. Thats not a bad thing- you have given me some words to describe it so thankyou for that
Getting on with things is hard. A part of you is no longer there...its painful, heartbreaking, devastating
Have you considered doing something to 'honor' or remember your angel?
For me, I needed something to represent my angel. Something I could look at, something real. DH and I went shopping and bought a gorgeous plant and a statue of a baby sleeping in a hand (I'm sure you may have seen the image somewhere). It gave me something to care for, something to represent my angel. Maybe it will help you to do something to? I know some women who had jewelery made, did a crossstitch...all sorts of things. My DH still has a pair of booties we bought our angel (before our loss) beside his bed.
Couldnt read and not *hug* I can feel your pain in your words.. you describe the rippling effect so perfectly.. and the ripples do spread far and wide and they stir up where you least expect them
I remember after I lost Darren (at around 18 weeks) and the horrible feeling from that day until his due date where all I felt was that I "should" have been pregnant and I "should" have been this or that. It is so hard OP, its so hard to go on with life when those plans just dont fit anymore. Its so hard to find a new path and make new decisions that dont fit in with you being pregnant anymore
Then something funny happened.. not hahaha funny, but weird funny.. something GOOD happened that wouldnt have happened if I hadnt lost Darren. I am not going to tell you its all for the best or any crap like that- coz right now you hurt and it sucks... but one day there MAY be a plan or a ripple that makes you stop and go WOAH.. that wouldnt happen if I was still pregnant and its ok. And it will still hurt, but it will make you see its ok to move forward.
So maybe its a good time to grab the reins and make some decisions. Yes you might have a great job, but are you happy there?????? Can you afford to take the time off anyway and help DH with his business???? Maybe you can ask for compassionate leave and take a few months now, not in January. That would eliminate the childcare problem. Or do just resign.
I hope that didnt come out too harsh... Sending you love, light and strength xoxoxox
SB - no, not harsh at all. If we were confident of the income of the business, I would resign. But we aren't, especially not over Jan/Feb of 2012 - so the mat leave would have helped cover that.
I think I need to look for another position within this company. Shouldn't leave them - wouldn't get mat leave anywhere else, unless... I don't want to think about unless.
what you're feeling is so valid, and so honest and so raw ...
I wish I knew something which could help the pain now, rather than being some platitude about how well you're doing (which you are) or how things will improve (which they will) ... but something which would make *now* less crap and painful for you.
I pray you have a good balance of privacy and intimacy with your friends, colleagues and acquaintences.
I pray you receive healing and recovery at just the right pace ... nothing rushed, but nothing delayed.
I pray this morning was your first and last panic attack.
I pray your questioning and seeking continues - and produces clarity and answers.
I pray you and your DH can make some key decisions soon about your work and your nanny - and that you have a real peace that those decisions are the right ones, and that they will be blessed and fruitful.
And I pray that you continue to draw strength from family and friends and God, and that you are being very, very gentle with yourself while everything is in flux, and while you adjust.
hugs hun- i will give you a hug IRL from all the gals on here as well!!!
a tree is a good idea- we planted a magnolia called little gem in honor of our angel
a friend also gave us a rose - i think it was called baby heart or something like that!!
We put the rose in a big wine barrell and when boof was born, we planted his placenta in the barrell with the rose!!
It has come with us when we moved house too!
still going strong~
You have all these plans and have it all set how its going to be, and then it has all come tumbling down. You are grieving for what was suppose to be as well as your angel!
take baby steps
and remember to breathe !!!
hugs
Ahh OP, I could write a thousand posts about the ripples, and the fallout. (from both my mc and live birth). The after effects will last a long long time. For me, it was 3 long years of soul searching. I knew the only cure for my broken heart was to feel life growing inside me again. I didn't want a replacement baby, but desperately wanted to be 'back on the path'. Back on the path to motherhood, on the path to a happy life filled with all things baby. The joy of being a parent. I felt so cheated, like it was ripped away from me as some kind of punishment.
The time up until Shelbys EDD was excruciating. Every week I was living an alternate reality. I would be X weeks pg now, I'd be taking leave now, etc. It didn't help that my work planner was full of.popup reminders for dates and milestones. And yet I could never bring myself to delete them. Every day I poured salt in my own wounds, just to feel a connection to my babe. My pain and grief was that.connection, and I nurtured my sadness. It was all consuming. Now, it feels like a nightmare I have thankfully woken from.
I can also relate to the work issues. I think a change of department will do you good. I opted to do this also, as I was unhappy in my original position, and needed a change. Something, anything to focus on other than darkness and despair. It was the one glimmer of hope I had for a better future.
Today, I look back on all of this and I still wonder what might have been. I still see the fork in the roads, and still remember how it felt to go down the dark path. I felt like I was being dragged, day by day, kicking and screaming further and further from the 'right' path. Further and further from my baby. The sad fact is that everything does not happen for a reason. Not for me anyway. I refuse to believe there is a reason I was chosen to endure the things I have. Because the only reasons I can think of are all negative.
May all our angels play together amongst the stars until we're reunited. Keep pouring out your hurt and anguish here, hun, lest you overflow with grief and despair.
The fallout...
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