I had a m/c this week - found out on Monday that 7week bubs had not made it and had a D&C on Tues (my 8th Wedding anniversary). It has been the worst week of my life.
Bub was a surprise, and I was just coming to terms with being preg again. I almost feel guilty that perhaps I didn't want it enough? We tried for nearly 18 months to get preg with my second son. The thing is I am devastated. I spent the week imagining our life together with bub #3 and just when I really start to get excited, it is gone.
My question is how do you go back to your 'old' life? I can't bear the thought of going back to work and acting like nothing has happened? I don't want anything to be the same, I want to pack up and run away...
I can't bear the looks people are giving me or the uncomfortable silences. I don't know how to move on, I don't know why this has happened? or what to do now?
People keep asking me if we are going to try again like that is the solution?
Firstly, I am terribly sorry for your loss. Whether or not your baby was planned, you obviously had hopes & dreams for the future with this baby and when he/she decided to 'fly' it was a shock & now you are grieving for your baby & what would have been. Feeling guilty is also part of the grieving process. You may also experience the 'trade off' feeling - where you would do something just to have your baby again. This is all part of the grieving process & grieving takes time & sometimes alot of time.
I have to say that for my first two losses, I went back to work & acted like nothing happened - in hindsight was probably not the best solution for my needs at the time. Can you afford to take sometime off work & go away somewhere?
People sometimes just don't know what to say & rather than say the 'wrong' thing don't say anything at all. It is usually people who have not experienced the loss of a baby & can't emotionally connect. This may also be the reason they are asking if you are going to try again.
I can't answer what you should do now - that is such a personal thing & it would truly depend on many different factors. I can only provide you with support & hope that you can move through this. BB & the community will help alot as too will other forums. Personally, I have read books on the subject, gone to a counsellor etc... (for a few examples) & that has helped me to work through my losses, but it won't be for everyone & you might not want to do those things straight away - it took me nearly 12 months after my last loss to see a counsellor.
I don't think after my first or subsequent losses my life was the same. Things I do/wouldn't do changed & shaped me to be the person I am today. For the better? I can't say for sure but I'd like to think so. Eventually you will feel like some kind of 'normal' but for now you need to grieve and be kind to yourself.
My girlfriend once said to me (she lost her daughter at 24 weeks) that you are only given situations with what you can handle - I believe this to be true even when I feel low, so low about my losses.
Thanks RhiChiChi... that does help. I just feel like I don't know which way is up. I feel like i am "coping" then something completely normal will happen and I have a meltdown - today I was trying to make pinwheels with DS1+2 and they weren't working and I lost it. Over pinwheels!
I also feel like I can't cope with the everyday tasks with the boys - can't deal with the kids normal whinging/wining/ demands????
Reading your post really got to me im sitting hear crying and had to write to you i also have 2 little boys and about 6 weeks ago suffered my first misscarrage. feel exactly the same as you explained not sure what to do!
People around me not know what to do either and the few close friends i have dissapeared guessing not knowing what to say? same as you kept loosing it completly out of the blue having major meltdowns especially when alone feel like i coped and coping but soooooooooooo sad. never misscarried before and had no idea on how deep the emotional stuff was!!!
i have trubble conceiving and after 7 months of trying fell pregnant was to good to be true and didnt last very long i was sooooooo happy and excited my sister had fallen preg unexpectadly 2 months earlier with her first child and it was a dream come true to go through preg and baby stuff together.
Guess just not ment to be.
Life has gone back to normal for everyone around me but still feel like there is a horrible sadness around me and i cant get past it not sure if i know how to. other people wouldnt really notice it but life not normal for me.
I agree with rhichichi it has also changed me i hope for the better but havent figured that out yet.
I always let friend walk all over me been very used by people because i someone that is always there for people something i have always liked about myself but it attracts the wrong kinds of people and they take advantage of me well i finally see that that needs to change i need to find ways to put myself first!
And say NO!!
About trying again people asked me that question and i thought would want to try as soon as possible but i have decided that i need to give trying a break for awhile said few months but see how i feel would love to be pregnant and have baby but straingly feel like it wrong for me to not sure could handle it if happened again need to get my mind and body fiter and stronger and enjoy my 2 beautiful boys for awhile without the preasure.
I hope you have found things getting easier for you dont put pressure on yourself to get back to normal just go with the emotions i tried to fight them and be fine/normal but doesnt work its such a personal experience and there is no right or wrong way to feel or things to do. Very sorry to hear of your loss wishing you all the best and know that you not alone.
Oh hun, the easy/normal stuff is sometimes the hardest to do! We are so used to those everyday things coming easily to us, that when it doesn't you feel like a failure (?). I think that just ties into how you are processing your thoughts and emotions with your loss. I sometimes feel that way and it has been over 12 mths since my last loss. I promise you it does get easier & better but it will take time. Hugs
Oh honey that is a very sad post you have written. I guess my answer is that you dont go back to your old life. You might go through the motions but you will never be the same again. You have had a major loss in your life, the death of a loved one. And while not everyone will understand it us girls at BB will. Thats why i encourage you to post in here as often as you need to. These emotions dont go away over night and the feelings off loss dont get better they just change. People want to make you feel better and 'fix' things thats why they are asking you if you are going to have another. You may decide you do, but that is for you and your DH to decide and that doesnt need to be right now.
I am sorry that you never go to hold your little angel in your arms!
Thank you all for your replies. It seems like even though the outside world doesn't understand, my new BB friends really do have an insight into what is going on in my head. It really helps.
How do you go back to your 'old' life?
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks