I'm so sorry for your loss. It does seem like such a cruel trick when you see that beautiful beating heart, only to lose your precious baby days later.
FWIW, everything you're feeling is "normal". I think our emotionals swing so violently after a loss. Be kind to yourself and don't feel you need to justify your feelings. They are what they are. Try not to feel guilty though. These things are so largely out of our hands.
As for how to try again, I don't know. You just do. Sometimes its takes a while to be ready to try again, maybe after feeling initially that you just can't try again. Other times you want to try again straight away. Unfortunately I don't think the fear ever goes away through subsequent pregnancies, but having said that I am on pregnancy No. 10 and for whatever weird reason, I am considerably calmer about this pregnancy than I was about previous ones.
I had the same thing - I lost my baby within days of seeing the HB.
I went through exactly the same emotions and feelings you are... I felt guilty because after trying for 2 years and doing IVF, I wasn't as excited as everyone else.
I think I slept more in the week after my m/c than I ever have in my life. Purely so I didn't have to deal with what was going on in my head.
How do you keep going? Honestly, you just do. Take it hour by hour, minute by minute. Do what you need to do. Sit in the shower and cry. Get out of the house, sit in the sunshine.
Are you in a position where you can talk to a counselor about the way you are feeling? Just to get it out of your head? I found just saying the words outloud to someone external helped me immensely. Even if you sit there and cry for an hour.
LuluHB is right... it may take you a while to want to try again. And that's ok.
I'm sorry for your loss. I just want to echo the other ladies thoughts. I don't know how I functioned but I did, some days like auto pilot, others were much easier.
My first mc was at 9w. I had a D&C on the Thursday and went back to work on the Monday. I needed the distraction. I needed normal things to be going on. I didn't think that going to work was going to be difficult, not thinking for a minute that working in a children's bookshop would mean that pregnant woman would come shopping. It was a disaster really, but I pushed through because I didn't know what else to do. I just had to keep going. Worked well for me until a few weeks later when I came unstuck at my SIL's baby shower. But after that, I just kept going.
First mc, we wanted to try again straight away. We waited six weeks and TTC again. We mc in April and I fell pg in July.
The mc I had this year was earlier, around the 6w mark. While I wasn't as emotionally wrecked (or so I thought) this time around, it has taken until a couple of months back for me to want to TTC. I blamed myself for that one. I have fibroids which up my chance of mc, but I also had a UTI and was on antibiotics (supposedly safe for pregnancy, and prescribed by a pg doctor, but still. Who knows.). So I felt like it was never going to work. It was still hard and emotionally draining, but I feel I recovered quicker mentally second time around, even though it's taken me longer to get back on the TTC bandwagon.
MD - Im so sorry for your loss. My first m/c followed the same rollercoaster ride as your and it hurts like hell after youve seen the heartbeating to be told it has stopped. You are not gulity of anything, m/c is really, really hard and you are reacting in a natural way.
I told DS the truth, it was awful, but I knew I had to. Your DD is still quite young so you shouldnt get too many questions.
As for how you go on...well you just do because you have to, and trying again is an emotional experience.
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So sorry for your loss.
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