how long did you stay angry?

[Possums]

Hi everyone, in the past 12 months I have had three first trimester losses, one of them an ectopic, then IVF, followed by two miscarriages, after a heartbeat had been seen.

I have grieved, still am really, and I know that has to happen and is normal.

The emotion which worries me the most is anger. And I feel plenty of it. I am angry at the unfairness of it all, angry we had to go through all this, angry at the women who smoke and drink and have babies with no dramas, angry at people who dont care for their kids properly, angry at people who don't understand or acknowledge my loss, or trivialise it, angry I have lost the innocent joy of being pregnant, angry that when I am next pregnant (assuming that happens) it will be 'high risk' as I have antiphospholipid syndrome...and so on.
Being angry and bitter doesn't help me I know that. Sometimes venting feels good and lets of steam, but the underlying simmering anger surely is only damaging me, and stopping me from reaching a place of more peaceful acceptance.

At first I realised anger was a normal part of grief and a normal response. But how long is it ok for? My last miscarriage was at the start of February. I guess each person's journey is different. I talked to a friend today who is pregnant and has had two previous miscarriages. I said I was still really angry, and that when DH pulls me up on it, I say "well its normal to feel angry" ...she said "its normal for you to feel that way..." meaning, I think, that its the way I feel, which is OK, but that not everyone feels that way. Maybe she was never this angry? It just made me think...maybe I really am too angry still? And of course I am a worrier...worry way too much what other people think!

thanks everyone

[briggsy's girl]

Possums - i still feel anger - not all the time, but a lot of the time when i think about what we've been through, the anger and resentment builds in me until i can't stand it - and instead of dealing with the source of the anger (the absolute unfairness of our lot in life) i pick something else to be angry at - usually something ridiculous, soooooooooo not warranting the level of anger - but i don't notice it til afterwards!

i find talking it through helps - counselling has been a blessing in the past - but sometimes just talking through the crap with someone who understands (fellow ivf'er or someone i am close to that has been through multiple losses) helps a lot

yesterday marked four years since the loss of the first of our angels - i knew what the day was, but i only realised how much it was impacting me when i snapped at DH for the fourth or fifth time about something ridiculous. i felt like all i was doing all day was snapping and then apologising. when i finally got to the point of realising why i was so antsy, i talked it through with him and, thankfully, he got it - and just having been able to acknowledge what was bugging me made it more managable. DH did a couple of things yesterday that i could have gotten very grumpy at, but instead i channelled that emotion into more positive thoughts - yes, he stuffed up, but at least he was trying kwim??

i can't tell you how long is too long to feel angry. the all-consuming anger lasted several months every angel - but the underlying anger is obviously still there for me 4 years later.

if YOU think it's getting too much, go and speak to the counsellor linked to your clinic. the negativity isnt' the ideal headspace to be carrying when you're going into a new stim cycle (good luck btw!)

huge hugs

BG

[Possums]

Thanks BG- your response really does help. Maybe because it helps me just share and vent and hear that I am OK...and that I just need to manage my feelings as best I can as I move forward. Just the fact you understand helps! I am seeing a psychologist at the moment and talking things through, so step at a time I'll get there. And yes I know, new stim cycle and I am trying my best to be in a positive head space and to stay as calm as I can....thanks again. I am watching your progress! I remember that I had my first scan with my second pregnancy on the same day (or maybe a day apart) as you had your first scan with this pregnancy....and you've done so well and come all this way since then It's an exciting time and I am so happy you have achieved this

[~StarBright~]

Possums - i still feel anger - not all the time, but a lot of the time when i think about what we've been through, the anger and resentment builds in me until i can't stand it - and instead of dealing with the source of the anger (the absolute unfairness of our lot in life) i pick something else to be angry at - usually something ridiculous, soooooooooo not warranting the level of anger - but i don't notice it til afterwards!

I do the exact same thing, possums, i think anger is one of the easiest emotions to linger after losses. It takes over from the sadness, and it gives you a different way to vent your disapointment and grief. And it is normal- and to be honest i dont think it ever really goes away. There are still times now i feel anger, ALOT of anger at Drs who should have done more- and anger at myself for not going to hospital sooner (had that one hit me with a flash again just the other day.. its been nearly three years... ) anger that some people have it so easy in this having babies business and yet so many good decent poeople have such a struggle. It is unfair. It is wrong in my opinion, but i cant change that- so it makes me even more angry.

I still feel anger towards my family and some friends who dont seem to remember my angels were ever and still are a part of my life. I still get angry when my neices and nephew birthdays come around because they are both so close to my angels birthdays and they are celebrating while i cry.

You have every right to BE angry, that doesnt make you an angry person. You at least are able to recognise that you are angry. And you will hold onto that anger until something else takes over, a kind of acceptance that yes it sucks, but you cant change what has happened, you can only move forward and hope and prey that things will be different and there wont be anything more to be angry about in your future. You will still hold onto the anger of your past, but it wont be so full on or so fresh a feeling, but i think it will always be there.

Sorry i am rambling alot here, its a good question, and i guess for everyone its abit different. I know i enjoyed the anger on some levels cause like i said, it took over from some of the pain, and it was gratifying to release it- (even if it was over trivial stuff that wasnt the real problem) slamming doors and yelling felt good and at least got it out, it would usually end in tears and the sadness that dwelled would release and i would feel better. Until the next time i thought about it and got angry again.

I know from following your posts here that you have had a hellova journey, and in my opinion, you can be angry for as long as you need to. It is part of grieving.

I wish you all the best for your future and i hope that now you know that you have antiphospholipid syndrome that being "high risk" might mean you will get closer attention paid to you that you have a successfull pregnancy and a precious baby to bring home very soon

StarBright
Darren 18 weeks May 18th 2004
M/C August 2005
Zahra 35 weeks November 18th 2006
At long last...... DS Shane August 3rd 2008

[[M]umma[M]ia]

I dont have much to say.. i just wanted to say im so sorry for your losses and give u a huge hug xoxoxoxox

[Counting Days]

angry at the women who smoke and drink and have babies with no dramas,

we have good reason to be angry and these type of people will never understand
so be angry for as long as you like

[Possums]

thank you for the replies and the support

starbright- thanks, I appreciate your insights and they do help. And given your experiences and can certainly understand your anger

[Rach75]

I just wanted to say there were days when I was angry at the world at god at myself at anyone who would look at me... but other days it was more grief anger

but yes I do get angry and still do when I see woman smkoe, drink, do drugs, do everything your told not oo and they pop baby after baby out....



but on the same token I know a lot of people who can't understand the anger side of it this includes woman who have had losses as well...everyone feels different some people just get on with their lives others wallow in grief, othes lash out at everyone...its called hormones sweetie

[nicjay]

Possums, I don't think that there is an answer to how long should I feel angry for to be honest with you Everyone is different, we all react in different ways and in the end I think you just feel whatever you feel and for however long it takes. Better to get angry and let it out now rather than bottle it up for years on end too KWIM?

My DH was the same as yours after my m/c too, kept asking me when I was going to stop being angry, sad etc and get back to normal. I think all you can do is take it day by day - it is normal to feel what you feel and you can't just snap your fingers and go back to how you were beforehand unfortunately Trust yourself too, I think you will know if the anger is staying with you for too long or affecting your life in too bad a way.

Yes I still do get moments where I feel angry for all the reasons you list, it is not as intense as it was and not as often so I guess it does get better with time. But I will say that you can't go through what you have been through (and are still going through!) and not come out of it a changed person to some degree. Take it easy on yourself hun, and heaps of good luck coming your way for your stim cycle - I hope this is the one

[Possums]

Thanks megsmum and Rach...

all the replies here have brought me comfort and have also helped me understand that it is hard to measure emotions and what's 'normal' etc and that we are all so different in how we process. That in itself helps me be easier on myself!

I do find it really tiring socialising still, because it takes so much effort to be 'up' and to make conversation and try and fit in , when i feel isolated and a bit consumed again by the process etc...sometimes though it's nice to be distracted and can be enjoyable...so that's step forward from where I was at!