... I am so desperate to say or do something to offer my support to a friend (okay, more an acquaintance, but someone I care about anyway) who I just heard lost her twins at Christmas. A mutual friend caught up with me today to give me the sad news, the mum in question apparently went into early labour (around 21 weeks) and her little bubs were just too little to keep up the fight. I'm absolutely broken-hearted for her and her DP, as I know they've been on the TTC journey for a while now and suffered an early loss last year before she fell pregnant with her twins. The last time I saw her was just before Christmas and she was so excited to tell me that she was having little boys, just as she'd wanted... I was so stoked for her and I just can't believe that she's come so far, only to suffer this devastating blow. And at Christmas, of all the times...
The friend who told me about it today said that atm mum is up north in her hometown, close to her mum so she can recuperate. They held a funeral for the little angel babies and all the rest, so I really hope poor mum is taking it easy and getting lots of support.
My question, is would it be inappropriate of me to get a card and some kind of gift organised for when she gets home? I don't want to set her back on the road to recovery by bringing up what's happened, and I wish I could send a card etc to her now but of course I don't know her mum's address or anything like that, I don't even have her phone number to call and offer my condolences. I'm not sure if I should just leave it alone, but I really, really want her to know that I'm completely devastated and that I'm just so, so sorry for her loss... and that I want to help if there's any way I can.
So I'm asking for advice from those of you who have been there or are close to someone who has - if I can't get in contact with her soon, should I just leave it alone? Would it be detrimental to her to bring it up when she gets home and I see her next? Would my thoughts and prayers be appreciated or would it just be more hurtful to her, knowing that I'm here with my two precious babies when she's just lost hers?
Any advice on what I should do/say, or not, would be appreciated. TIA
You are such a caring friend. When I lost Emmanuel I really wanted my friends to acknowledge him. Some of my friends kept away and didn't say anything thinking it would hurt more but it actually hurt more that they didn't acknowledge him. I think it would be really nice of you to give your friend a gift to acknowledge her twins, I know everyone is different. I hope this helps a little.
From what I understand, as I have been fortunate enough not to have had a loss, it gets harder as time goes on from the birth & loss. I know my friend who lost her bub last September due to placental abruption (at term) had heaps of support in the days / weeks following her daughter's death, but now not so much. Even I can see it on her memorial website that there are few comments these days. I think about mum & bub lots even though she is living halfway across the world at the moment. So I go to her website & post when I think of it. I sent a message at Christmas time & probably will do another one on her 4 month angel-versary later this month. Mum always sends me an email to thank me for remembering her baby girl.
So what I'm saying in a long winded way is that it's not too late. Even sending her a card on their first anniversary wouldn't be too late. She is always going to be living with the loss of her precious boys so will always need comfort. The only difference is right now it is very raw & later on it won't be quite so hard.
As for what to do, I sent a friend an in memory guardian angel pin when she lost her bub early on. For the one I just mentioned, a group of friends together organised a star to be named in baby's honour. Anything you can think of will be perfect.
I watched a friend lose her baby last year and was at a loss at what to do for her. I had put outthe word and people donated some $$$ so I could buy balloons for us all to release in the child's honour at his 'birthday party'. 5 sunflower seed's (one for each child of the family) were placed in a little plastic bag with the mum's email address and a note asking to plant the seed's in the child's honour. It was an awesome day, yes it was emotional but it was also very soothing and calm. Children were present and it really did feel like a birthday party.
I also waited until the child's actual EDD and had the same place we bought the balloons from deliver one of each of the colours delivered to her. I just wanted to let her know that even know we celebrated his birthday that we remembered his actual EDD. The child wont be forgotten, the little person touched our lives without us even laying eyes on him. The love and friendship this little person bought about made sure of it.
For the record...someone emailed her and let her know that the seed's were planted which really made her so happy.
You seem very kind and brave. I use the word brave because after my recent miscarriage I found that more friends than I'd expected were scared. Scared that they'd do or say something wrong, so they'd say nothing instead. It was a very lonely sad time. I am a midwife and I was pleasantly suprised at how wonderful and supportive my midwifery colleagues were. They weren't scared of grief. One friend would call in the mornings a lot because, having experienced the loss of both her parents, she knew it was most particularly the hardest time of the day.
So remain brave and send her a card or thoughtful present, you will make a difference.
From my own experience, I think something for them to come home to would be lovely. I fondly remeber the bunch of flowers at the front door when I came home from the D&C after my m/c. It just made returning to 'normal life' even though my world seemed like it had just been turned upside down, that little bit gentler and less alone.
Of course everyone is different but when I had a miscarriage it meant so much to me that I received cards, flowers, and small gifts (a tiny teddy bear charm, etc) from friends. It really showed me that my baby being lost mattered to other people and not just to me. In fact I kept everything I was sent and have recently (after 3 years and 2 more healthy babies) felt brave enough to take out the charm and add it to my troll bracelet. It shows what a caring person you are that you are thinking of this.
I don't want to open the wounds, but... (advice?)
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