You are such a caring friend. When I lost Emmanuel I really wanted my friends to acknowledge him. Some of my friends kept away and didn't say anything thinking it would hurt more but it actually hurt more that they didn't acknowledge him. I think it would be really nice of you to give your friend a gift to acknowledge her twins, I know everyone is different. I hope this helps a little.
From what I understand, as I have been fortunate enough not to have had a loss, it gets harder as time goes on from the birth & loss. I know my friend who lost her bub last September due to placental abruption (at term) had heaps of support in the days / weeks following her daughter's death, but now not so much. Even I can see it on her memorial website that there are few comments these days. I think about mum & bub lots even though she is living halfway across the world at the moment. So I go to her website & post when I think of it. I sent a message at Christmas time & probably will do another one on her 4 month angel-versary later this month. Mum always sends me an email to thank me for remembering her baby girl.
So what I'm saying in a long winded way is that it's not too late. Even sending her a card on their first anniversary wouldn't be too late. She is always going to be living with the loss of her precious boys so will always need comfort. The only difference is right now it is very raw & later on it won't be quite so hard.
As for what to do, I sent a friend an in memory guardian angel pin when she lost her bub early on. For the one I just mentioned, a group of friends together organised a star to be named in baby's honour. Anything you can think of will be perfect.
I watched a friend lose her baby last year and was at a loss at what to do for her. I had put outthe word and people donated some $$$ so I could buy balloons for us all to release in the child's honour at his 'birthday party'. 5 sunflower seed's (one for each child of the family) were placed in a little plastic bag with the mum's email address and a note asking to plant the seed's in the child's honour. It was an awesome day, yes it was emotional but it was also very soothing and calm. Children were present and it really did feel like a birthday party.
I also waited until the child's actual EDD and had the same place we bought the balloons from deliver one of each of the colours delivered to her. I just wanted to let her know that even know we celebrated his birthday that we remembered his actual EDD. The child wont be forgotten, the little person touched our lives without us even laying eyes on him. The love and friendship this little person bought about made sure of it.
For the record...someone emailed her and let her know that the seed's were planted which really made her so happy.
You seem very kind and brave. I use the word brave because after my recent miscarriage I found that more friends than I'd expected were scared. Scared that they'd do or say something wrong, so they'd say nothing instead. It was a very lonely sad time. I am a midwife and I was pleasantly suprised at how wonderful and supportive my midwifery colleagues were. They weren't scared of grief. One friend would call in the mornings a lot because, having experienced the loss of both her parents, she knew it was most particularly the hardest time of the day.
So remain brave and send her a card or thoughtful present, you will make a difference.
From my own experience, I think something for them to come home to would be lovely. I fondly remeber the bunch of flowers at the front door when I came home from the D&C after my m/c. It just made returning to 'normal life' even though my world seemed like it had just been turned upside down, that little bit gentler and less alone.
Of course everyone is different but when I had a miscarriage it meant so much to me that I received cards, flowers, and small gifts (a tiny teddy bear charm, etc) from friends. It really showed me that my baby being lost mattered to other people and not just to me. In fact I kept everything I was sent and have recently (after 3 years and 2 more healthy babies) felt brave enough to take out the charm and add it to my troll bracelet. It shows what a caring person you are that you are thinking of this.
i know that everyone is different but when i lost Kyarna it seemed that most people ignored me and the fact that my baby was gone and that hurt. Even now 3 months later it seems that everyone has forgot that she was ever here. For me you couldnt hurt me by mentioning or reminding me of my baby becasue to be honest i think about her all day everyday anyway
I think you should do something for her, it doesn ahve to be big just a card or something to let her know that you care too!
oh by the way, you sound like an amazing person!!!
Absolutely do something to remember her sons. She is a mother and she has empty arms. That pain is excruciating. When someone remembers your little one - it touches very deep inside.
Some ideas are if you sew a tiny little patch work quilt... I have one for my first daughter. It hangs in Imogen's room - it was made with so much love by a dear friend.
A rose bush - hope, faith, (there are rose bushes with these or similar names) that she can plant in her children's honour.
A simple thing is some crystals in a pouch - perhaps wih stones that correspond to December - and some rose quartz for love.
If she has a pandora bracelet - a baby charm to remember her boys.
A star - you can buy a star albiet a small one - but that is special too...
A meal with a bottle of wine and dessert...
I personally found flowers disturbing - I am not sure why - partly I think because they looked so beautiful and full of life - and then they died - like my babies did... But many people like them. (I usually love to receive flowers but after my babies died I needed to not see them..)
I'm sure you'll be inspired to do just the right thing for her.
Last edited by Inanna; January 5th, 2010 at 09:48 PM.
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But many people like them. (I usually love to receive flowers but after my babies died I needed to not see them..)
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