I don't want to open the wounds, but... (advice?)

[maz]

What a truely wonderful friend you are

I watched a friend lose her baby last year and was at a loss at what to do for her. I had put outthe word and people donated some $$$ so I could buy balloons for us all to release in the child's honour at his 'birthday party'. 5 sunflower seed's (one for each child of the family) were placed in a little plastic bag with the mum's email address and a note asking to plant the seed's in the child's honour. It was an awesome day, yes it was emotional but it was also very soothing and calm. Children were present and it really did feel like a birthday party.

I also waited until the child's actual EDD and had the same place we bought the balloons from deliver one of each of the colours delivered to her. I just wanted to let her know that even know we celebrated his birthday that we remembered his actual EDD. The child wont be forgotten, the little person touched our lives without us even laying eyes on him. The love and friendship this little person bought about made sure of it.

For the record...someone emailed her and let her know that the seed's were planted which really made her so happy.

[sevie]

You seem very kind and brave. I use the word brave because after my recent miscarriage I found that more friends than I'd expected were scared. Scared that they'd do or say something wrong, so they'd say nothing instead. It was a very lonely sad time. I am a midwife and I was pleasantly suprised at how wonderful and supportive my midwifery colleagues were. They weren't scared of grief. One friend would call in the mornings a lot because, having experienced the loss of both her parents, she knew it was most particularly the hardest time of the day.
So remain brave and send her a card or thoughtful present, you will make a difference.

[CeCe]

From my own experience, I think something for them to come home to would be lovely. I fondly remeber the bunch of flowers at the front door when I came home from the D&C after my m/c. It just made returning to 'normal life' even though my world seemed like it had just been turned upside down, that little bit gentler and less alone.

[Traveller]

Of course everyone is different but when I had a miscarriage it meant so much to me that I received cards, flowers, and small gifts (a tiny teddy bear charm, etc) from friends. It really showed me that my baby being lost mattered to other people and not just to me. In fact I kept everything I was sent and have recently (after 3 years and 2 more healthy babies) felt brave enough to take out the charm and add it to my troll bracelet. It shows what a caring person you are that you are thinking of this.

[~MummaBear~]

i know that everyone is different but when i lost Kyarna it seemed that most people ignored me and the fact that my baby was gone and that hurt. Even now 3 months later it seems that everyone has forgot that she was ever here. For me you couldnt hurt me by mentioning or reminding me of my baby becasue to be honest i think about her all day everyday anyway
I think you should do something for her, it doesn ahve to be big just a card or something to let her know that you care too!
oh by the way, you sound like an amazing person!!!

[Inanna]

It's lovely of you to care so much Glamourcide.

Absolutely do something to remember her sons. She is a mother and she has empty arms. That pain is excruciating. When someone remembers your little one - it touches very deep inside.

Some ideas are if you sew a tiny little patch work quilt... I have one for my first daughter. It hangs in Imogen's room - it was made with so much love by a dear friend.

A rose bush - hope, faith, (there are rose bushes with these or similar names) that she can plant in her children's honour.

A simple thing is some crystals in a pouch - perhaps wih stones that correspond to December - and some rose quartz for love.

If she has a pandora bracelet - a baby charm to remember her boys.

A star - you can buy a star albiet a small one - but that is special too...

A meal with a bottle of wine and dessert...

I personally found flowers disturbing - I am not sure why - partly I think because they looked so beautiful and full of life - and then they died - like my babies did... But many people like them. (I usually love to receive flowers but after my babies died I needed to not see them..)

I'm sure you'll be inspired to do just the right thing for her.

[Glamourcide]

Thanks so much for your advice, ladies. I can definitely understand why friends tend to avoid the topic, it's such an incredibly painful one, but I do want this lady to know that I care very deeply and am so saddened by the loss of her two little princes. There are some wonderful, wonderful gift/rememberance ideas here and they've definitely inspired me - so thankyou I think I'll probably stick with something small because I'm thinking of writing her a card/note and leaving it with her workmate (the mutual friend who I spoke to today) to pass onto her when she gets back, as I don't know when she will be home and I don't know her address (and obviously including my contact details in the note so she can come to me if she feels comfortable discussing such a personal thing with me). I'm not sure if she wears a Pandora or similar bracelet but maybe some pendants/charms that she can put on a chain to wear around her neck or something - teddies, angels, baby-themed things...

Thanks so much for the reassurance... I just don't want to hurt her any more than she already is, but it really makes sense that it helps in some way to know that others care and are hurting for you, instead of just avoiding it altogether. I appreciate your thoughts

[Willow]

I have a pandora bracelet, but before I even had one I went and brought the angel charm on the first anniversary of my baby's EDD and wore it on a necklace to remember my angel. You could get her two of the blue bootie ones etc.

I also have a ring that I brought off a BB members website, it's silver and has tiny footprints all around it - I am going to get it engraved with dates etc when I get around to it. If you know her babies' names, that would be beautiful.

You know what though? Even a card means so, so much.

And don't worry about 'bringing it up' - I can almost guarantee it barely leaves her mind