Oh Helle. Massive hugs to you honey

You did hold your little man. You held him inside your belly and he would have felt your love for him every single day. Now you hold him in your heart and I am sure he feels the love you still have for him. I can feel the love you have for him in your post.
Please be gentle on yourself. You did what you felt was right for you at the time and I am sure your baby Jayvan felt that too.